, 


2J  28855 


OF  CALIF.  LIBRARY,  LOS  ANGELES 


WORRYING 
WON'T  WIN 

BY 

MONTAGUE    GLASS 


ILLUSTRATED 


HARPER   fef   BROTHERS 

PUBLISHERS 
NEW  YOKK  AND  LONDON 


\fl 


WORRYING  WON'T  WIN 

Copyright,  1918,  by  Harper  &  Brothers 

Printed  in  the  United  States  of  America 

Published  May,  1918 


CONTENTS 

CHAP.  PAGE 

I.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  Discuss  THE  CZAR 

BUSINESS 1 

II.  POTASH   AND  PERLMUTTER  ON   SOAP-BOXERS 

AND  PEACE  FELLERS 10 

HI.         POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  FINANCING  THE 

WAR 20 

IV.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  BERNSTORFF'S 

EXPENSE  ACCOUNT 30 

V.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  Discuss  ON  THE 

FRONT  PAGE  AND  OFF 40 

VI.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  HOOVERIZING 

THE  OVERHEAD 49 

VII.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  FOREIGN  AF- 

FAIRS       58 

VIII.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  LORDNORTH- 

CLIFFING   VERSUS   CoLONELHOUSING      ...         68 

IX.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  NATIONAL  Music 

AND  NATIONAL  CURRENCY 77 

X.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  REVOLUTIONIZ- 

ING THE  REVOLUTION  BUSINESS    ....      86 

XI.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  Discuss  THE  SUGAR 

QUESTION 96 

XII.  POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  Discuss  How  TO 

PUT  THE  SPURT  IN  THE  EXPERT  106 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"Take,  for  instance,  sopranos,  and  they  come  in 
two  classes.  There  is  the  soprano  which 
hollers  murder  police  and  they  call  her  a 
dramatic  soprano.  And  then  again  there  is 
the  soprano  which  gargles.  That  is  a  color- 
atura soprano." Facing  p.  180 

"For  instance,  who  is  it  that  says  whole-wheat 
bread  irritates  the  lining  from  the  elemen- 
try  canal?  The  ignorant  man?  Oser!"  .  "  202 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 


WORRYING   WON'T 
WIN 


POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER   DISCUSS   THE    CZAR 
BUSINESS 

Like  the  human-hair  business  and  the  green-goods  business 
it  is  not  what  it  used  to  be. 

ES,  Abe,"  Morris  Perlmutter  said  to  his 
partner,  Abe  Potash,  as  they  sat  in  their 
office  one  morning  in  September,  "the  English 
language  is  practically  a  brand-new  article  since 
the  time  when  I  used  to  went  to  night  school.  In 
them  days  when  a  feller  says  he  is  feeling  like  a 
king,  it  meant  that  he  was  feeling  like  a  king,  aber 
to-day  yet,  if  a  feller  says  he  feels  like  a  king  it 
means  that  he's  got  stomach  and  domestic  trouble 
and  that  he  don't  know  where  the  money  is 
coming  from  to  pay  his  next  week's  laundry  bill. 
Czars  is  the  same  way,  too.  Former  times  when 
you  called  a  feller  a  regular  czar  you  meant  he 


was  a  regular  czar,  aber  nowadays  if  you  say 
somebody  is  a  regular  czar  it  means  that  the  poor 
feller  couldn't  call  his  soul  his  own  and  that  he 
must  got  to  do  what  everybody  from  the  shipping- 
clerk  up  tells  him  to  do  with  no  back  talk." 

"Well,  it  only  goes  to  show,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
commented.  "There  was  a  czar,  y'understand, 
which  for  years  was  not  only  making  out  pretty 
good  as  a  czar,  y'understand,  but  had  really  as 
you  might  say  been  doing  something  phenomenal 
yet.  In  fact,  Mawruss,  if  three  years  ago  R.  G. 
Dun  or  Bradstreet  would  give  it  a  rating  to  czars 
and  people  in  similar  lines,  y'understand,  com- 
pared with  the  czar  already,  an  old-established 
house  like  Hapsburg's  in  Vienna  would  be  rated 
N.  to  Q.,  Credit  Four,  see  foot-note.  And  to-day, 
Mawruss,  where  is  he?" 

"Say,"  Morris  protested,  "any  one  could  have 
reverses,  Abe,  because  it  don't  make  no  difference 
if  it  would  be  a  czar  oder  a  pants  manufacturer, 
and  they  both  had  ratings  like  John  B.  Rockafellar 
even,  along  comes  two  or  three  bad  seasons  like 
the  czar  had  it,  y'understand,  and  the  most  you 
could  hope  for  would  be  thirty  cents  on  the  dol- 
lar— ten  cents  cash  and  the  balance  in  notes  at 
three,  six,  and  nine  months,  indorsed  by  a  grand 
duke  who  has  got  everything  he  owns  in  his  wife's 
name  and  'ain't  spent  an  evening  at  home  with 
her  since  way  before  the  Crimean  War  already." 

"What  happened  to  the  Czar,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "bad  seasons  didn't  done  it.     Not  reckoning 
quick  assets,  like  crowns  actually  in  stock,  fix- 
is 


"I  bet  yer  over  half  a  czar's  morning  mail  already  is  circulars 
from  casket  concerns  alone,"  Abe." 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

tures,  etc.,  the  feller  must  of  owned  a  couple 
million  versts  high-grade  real  property,  to  say 
nothing  of  his  life  insurance,  Mawruss." 

"Czars  and  life  insurance  ain't  in  the  same 
dictionary  at  all,  Abe,"  Morris  interrupted.  "In 
the  insurance  business,  Abe,  czars  comes  under 
the  same  head  as  aviators  with  heart  trouble, 
y'understand.  I  bet  yer  over  half  a  czar's  morn- 
ing mail  already  is  circulars  from  casket  concerns 
alone,  Abe,  so  that  only  goes  to  show  how  much 
you  know  from  czars." 

"Well,  I  know  this  much,  anyhow,"  Abe  con- 
tinued. "What  put  the  Czar  out  of  business, 
didn't  happen  this  season  or  last  season  neither, 
Mawruss.  It  dates  back  already  twenty  years 
ago,  which  you  can  take  it  from  me,  Mawruss, 
it  don't  make  no  difference  what  line  a  feller 
would  be  in — czars  wholesale,  czars  retail,  or 
czars'  supplies  and  sundries,  including  bomb- 
proof underwear  and  the  Little  Wonder  Poison 
Detector,  y'understand,  the  moment  such  a  feller 
marries  into  the  family  of  his  nearest  competitor, 
Mawruss,  he  might  just  as  well  go  down  to  a 
lawyer's  office  and  hand  him  the  names  he  wants 
inserted  in  Schedule  A  Three  of  his  petition  in 
bankruptcy." 

"Did  the  Czar  marry  into  such  a  family?" 
Morris  asked. 

"A  question!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "Didn't  you 
know  that  the  Czar's  wife  is  the  Kaiser's  mother's 
sister's  daughter?" 

"Say!"  Morris  retorted.     "I  didn't  even  know 

3 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

that  the  Kaiser  had  a  mother.  From  the  heart 
that  feller's  got  it,  you  might  suppose  he  was 
raised  in  an  incubator  and  that  the  only  parents 
he  ever  knew  was  a  couple  of  packages  absorbent 
cotton  and  an  alcohol-lamp." 

"Well,  that's  what  I  am  telling  you,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "With  all  the  millionaires  in  Russland 
which  would  be  tickled  to  pieces  to  get  a  czar  for 
a  son-in-law,  y'understand,  the  feller  goes  to  work 
and  ties  up  to  a  family  with  somebody  like  the 
Kaiser  in  it,  and  you  know  as  well  as  I  do,  Maw- 
russ, one  crook  in  your  wife's  family  can  stick 
you  worser  than  all  your  poor  relations  put 
together." 

"Even  when  your  wife's  relations  are  honest, 
what  is  it?"  Morris  asked. 

"Gewiss!"  Abe  agreed.  "And  can  you  im- 
agine when  such  a  crook  in-law  is  also  your  big- 
gest competitor?  I  bet  yer,  Mawruss,  the  poor 
nebich  wasn't  home  from  his  honeymoon  yet  before 
the  Kaiser  starts  in  cutting  prices  on  him." 

"Cutting  prices  was  the  least,"  Morris  said. 
"Take  Bulgaria,  for  instance,  and  up  to  a  few 
years  ago  that  was  one  of  the  Czar's  best  selling 
territories.  In  fact,  Abe,  whenever  the  Czar  stops 
off  at  Sophia,  him  and  the  King  of  Bulgaria  takes 
coffee  together,  such  good  friends  they  was." 

"Who  is  Sophia?"  Abe  asked.  "Also  a  relative 
of  the  Kaiser?" 

"Sophia  is  the  name  of  one  big  town  in  Bul- 
garia," Morris  replied. 

"That's  a  name  for  a  big  town — Sophia,"  Abe 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

remarked.     "Why  don't  they  call  it  Lillian  Rus- 
sell and  be  done  with  it?" 

"They  could  call  it  Williamsburg  for  all  the 
business  the  Czar  done  there  after  the  Kaiser  got 
in  his  fine  work,"  Morris  said. 

"And  after  all,  what  good  did  it  done  him?" 
Abe  added.  "Because  you  know  as  well  as  I  do, 
Mawruss,  the  Kaiser  ain't  two  jumps  ahead  of 
the  sheriff  himself.  In  fact,  Mawruss,  the  king 
business  is  to-day  like  the  human-hair  business 
and  the  green-goods  business.  It's  practically  a 
thing  of  the  past." 

"Did  I  say  it  wasn't?"  Morris  asked. 

"Being  a  king  ain't  a  business  no  more,  Maw- 
russ. It's  just  a  job,"  Abe  continued,  "and  it's 
a  metter  of  a  few  months  now  when  the  only 
kings  left  will  be,  so  to  speak,  journeymen  kings 
like  the  King  of  England  and  the  King  of  Belgium 
and  not  boss  kings  like  the  King  of  Austria  and 
the  Kaiser.  Why,  right  now,  that  Germany  is 
his  store,  and  that  the  poor  Germans  nebich  is 
just  salespeople;  and  he  figures  that  if  he  wants 
to  close  out  his  stock  and  fixtures  at  a  sacrifice 
and  at  the  same  time  work  his  salespeople  to 
death,  what  is  that  their  business,  y'under- 
stand." 

"Well,  that's  the  way  the  Czar  figured,"  Mor- 
ris commented.  "For,  Abe,  the  Kaiser  has  got 
an  idee  years  already  he  was  running  Russland 
on  the  open-shop  principle,  and  before  he  woke 
up  to  the  fact  that  the  people  he  had  been  treating 
right  straight  along  as  non-union  labor  was  really 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

the  majority  stockholders,  y'understand,  they  had 
changed  the  combination  of  the  safe  on  him  and 
notified  the  bank  that  on  and  after  said  date  all 
checks  would  be  signed  by  Jacob  M.  Kerensky  as 
receiver." 

"You  would  think  a  feller  like  the  Czar  would 
learn  something  by  what  happened  to  this  here 
Mellen  of  the  New  Haven  Railroad,"  Abe  said. 

"Yow  learn!"  Morris  replied.  "Is  the  Kaiser 
learning  something  from  what  they  done  to  the 
Czar?" 

"That's  a  different  matter  entirely,"  Abe  re- 
torted. "With  a  relation  by  marriage,  you 
naturally  figure  if  he  makes  a  big  success  that  he 
fell  in  soft  and  that  a  lucky  stiff  like  him  if  he 
gets  shot  with  a  gun,  y'understand,  the  bullet  is 
from  gold  and  it  hits  him  in  the  pocket  yet; 
whereas,  if  he  goes  broke  and  'ain't  got  a  cent  left 
in  the  world,  y'understand,  it's  a  case  of  what 
could  you  expect  from  a  Schlemiel  like  that.  So 
instead  of  learning  anything  from  what  happens 
to  the  Czar,  I  bet  yer  the  Kaiser  feels  awful  sore 
at  him  yet.  Why,  I  don't  suppose  a  day  passes 
without  the  Kaiser's  wife  comes  to  him  and  says, 
'Listen,  Popper,  Esther  (or  whatever  the  Czar's 
wife's  name  is)  called  me  up  again  this  morning; 
she  says  Nicholas  'ain't  got  no  work  nor  nothing 
and^she  was  crying  something  terrible/ 

'Well,  if  she's  going  to  keep  on  crying  till  I 
find  that  loafer  a  job,'  the  Kaiser  says,  'she's  got 
a  long  wet  spell  ahead  of  her.' 

"She  don't  want  you  to  find  him  no  job,'  the 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

Kaiser's  wife  tells  him.  'All  she  asks  is  you 
should  send  'em  transportation.' 

"'Transportation  nothing!'  the  Kaiser  says.  'I 
already  sent  transportation  to  the  King  of  Greece, 
Ambassador  Bernstorff,  Doctor  Dernburg,  this 
here  boy  Ed  und  Gott  weisst  wer  nach.  What  am  I? 
The  Pennsylvania  Railroad  or  something?' 

"'Well,  what  is  he  going  to  do  'way  out  there  in 
Tobolsk?'  she  says. 

"'If  he  would  only  of  acted  reasonable  and 
killed  off  a  couple  million  of  them  suckers,  the  way 
any  other  king  would  do,  he  never  would  of  had 
to  go  to  Tobolsk  at  all,'  the  Kaiser  says. 

"Aber  what  shall  I  say  to  her  if  she  rings  up 
again?'  she  asks. 

"Say  what  you  please/  the  Kaiser  answers  her, 
'but  tell  Central  I  wouldn't  pay  no  reverse 
charges  under  no  circumstances  whatsoever  from 
nowheres.' ': 

"And  who  told  you  all  this,  Abe?"  Morris  asked. 

"Nobody,"  Abe  replied.  "I  figured  it  out  for 
myself." 

"Well,  you  figured  wrong,  then,"  Morris  said. 
"  The  Kaiser  don't  act  that  way.  He  ain't  human 
enough,  and,  furthermore,  Abe,  the  Kaiser  don't 
talk  over  the  telephone,  neither,  because  if  he  did, 
y'understand,  it's  a  cinch  that  sooner  or  later  the 
court  physician  would  be  giving  out  the  cause  of 
death  as  shock  from  being  connected  up  with  the 
electric-light  plant  by  party  or  parties  unknown 
and  Long  Live  Kaiser  Schmooel  the  Second — or 
whatever  the  Crown  Prince's  rotten  name  is." 

2  7 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Any  one  who  done  such  a  thing  in  the  hopes 
of  making  a  change  for  the  better,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
commented,  "would  certainly  be  jumping  from 
the  frying-pan  into  the  soup,  because  if  the  Ger- 
mans got  rid  of  the  Kaiser  in  favor  of  the  Crown 
Prince  it  would  be  a  case  of  discarding  a  king  and 
drawing  a  deuce." 

"Sure  I  know,"  Morris  said,  "but  what  the 
Germans  need  is  a  new  deal  all  around.  As  the 
game  stands  now  in  Germany,  Abe,  only  a  limited 
few  sits  in,  while  the  rest  of  the  country  hustles 
the  refreshments  and  pays  for  the  lights  and  the 
cigars,  and  they're  such  a  poor-spirited  bunch, 
y'understand,  that  they  'ain't  got  nerve  enough  to 
suggest  a  kitty,  even." 

"Well,  it's  too  late  for  them  to  start  a  kitty 
now,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "Which  you  could 
take  it  from  me,  Mawruss,  the  house  is  going  to 
be  pulled  'most  any  day.  Several  million  husky 
cops  is  going  up  the  front  stoop  right  this  minute, 
Mawruss,  and  while  they  may  have  a  little 
trouble  with  them — now — ice-box  style  of  doors, 
it's  only  a  question  of  time  when  they  would  back 
up  the  patrol-wagon,  y'understand,  because  if  the 
Germans  ouldn't  close  up  the  game  of  their 
own  accord,  Mawruss,  the  Allies  must  got  to  do  it 
for  them." 

"But  the  Germans  don't  want  us  to  help  'em," 
Morris  said.  "They're  perfectly  satisfied  as  they 
are." 

"I  know  it,"  Abe  said.  "They're  a  nation  of 
shipping  -  clerks,  Mawruss.  They're  in  a  rut, 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

y'understand.  They've  all  got  rotten  jobs  and 
they're  scared  to  death  that  they're  going  to  lose 
them.  Also  the  boss  works  them  like  dawgs  and 
makes  their  lives  miserable,  y'understand,  and 
yet  they're  trembling  in  their  pants  for  fear  he  is 
going  to  bust  up  on  them." 

"Then  I  guess  it's  up  to  us  Allies  to  show  them 
poor  Chamorrim  how  they  could  be  bosses  for  them- 
selves," Morris  suggested. 

"Sure  it  is,"  Abe  concluded,  "and  next  year  in 
Tobolsk  when  the  Kaiser  joins  his  relations  by 
marriage,  Mawruss,  he's  going  to  pick  up  the 
Tobolsker  Freie  Presse  some  morning  and  see  where 
there  has  been  incorporated  at  last  the  Deutche 
Allgemeine  Wohlfahrtfabrik,  with  a  capital  of  a 
hundred  billion  marks,  to  take  over  the  business  of 
the  K.  K.  Manufacturing  Company,  and  he's  going 
to  say  the  same  as  everybody  else:  'Well,  what  do 
you  know  about  them  Heinies?  I  never  thought 
they  had  it  in  them.' >! 


n 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  SOAP-BOXERS  AND 
PEACE  FELLERS 

There  is  some  of  them  peace  fellers  which  ain't  so  much 
scared  as  they  are  contrary. 

"  "DEOPLE  'ain't  begun  to  realize  yet  what  this 
•••  war  really  and  truly  means,  Mawruss," 
Abe  Potash  said  as  he  finished  reading  an  inter- 
view with  ex-Ambassador  Gerard,  in  which  the  ex- 
ambassador  said  that  people  had  not  yet  begun 
to  realize  what  the  war  really  meant. 

"Maybe  they  don't,"  Morris  Perlmutter  agreed, 
"but  for  every  feller  which  'ain't  begun  to  realize 
what  this  war  really  and  truly  means,  Abe,  there 
is  a  hundred  other  fellers  which  'ain't  begun  to 
realize  what  a  number  of  people  there  is  which 
goes  round  saying  that  people  'ain't  begun  to 
realize  what  this  war  really  and  truly  means, 
y'understand.  Also,  Abe,  the  same  people  is 
going  round  begging  people  which  is  just  as 
patriotic  as  they  are  that  they  should  brace  up 
and  be  patriotic,  y'understand,  and  they  are  pull- 
ing pledges  to  hold  up  the  hands  of  the  President 

on  other  people  who  has  got  similar  pledges  in 

10 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

their  breast  pockets  and  pretty  near  beats  'em 
to  it,  understand  me,  and  that's  the  way  it  goes." 

"Well,  if  one  time  out  of  a  hundred  they  strike 
somebody  who  really  and  truly  don't  realize  what 
the  war  means,  like  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  began, 
"why,  then,  their  time  ain't  entirely  wasted, 
neither." 

"I  realize  just  so  much  as  you  do  what  this  war 
means,  Abe,"  Morris  retorted. 

"Maybe  you  do,"  Abe  admitted,  "but  you 
don't  talk  like  you  did,  Mawruss,  otherwise  you 
would  know  that  if  out  of  a  hundred  Americans 
only  ninety-nine  of  'em  pledges  themselves  to 
hold  up  the  hands  of  the  President,  y'understand, 
and  the  balance  of  one  claims  that  we  are  in  this 
war  just  to  save  our  investments  in  Franco- 
American  bonds  and  that  Mr.  Wilson  is  every  bit 
as  bad  as  the  Kaiser  except  that  he's  clean-shaved, 
y'understand,  then  them  ninety-nine  fellers  with 
the  pledges  in  their  breast  pockets  should  ought 
to  convert  the  balance  of  one.  Because,  Mawruss, 
a  nation  which  is  ninety-nine  per  cent,  patriotic 
is  like  a  fish  which  is  ninety-nine  per  cent,  fresh 
— all  you  can  notice  is  the  one  per  cent,  which 
smells  bad." 

"I  am  just  so  much  in  favor  of  the  country 
being  one  hundred  per  cent.  American  as  you  are, 
Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but  what  I  claim  is  that  we 
should  go  about  it  right" 

"If  you  mean  we  shouldn't  argue  with  them 
one-per-centers,  but  send  them  right  back  to 

that  part  of  the  old  country  which  they  come 

11 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

from  originally,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued,  "why, 
I  am  agreeable  that  they  should  be  shipped  right 
away,  F.  O.  B.,  N.  Y.,  all  deliveries  subject  to 
delay  and  liability  being  limited  to  fifty  dollars 
personal  baggage  in  case  they  should,  please  Gawd, 
fail  to  arrive  in  Europe." 

"Sure  I  know,"  Morris  agreed.  "But  pretty 
near  all  them  one-per-centers  was  born  and  raised 
in  the  United  States  or  in  Saint  Louis,  Wisconsin, 
and  Cincinnati.  You  take  this  here  Burgermeister 
of  Chicago,  for  instance,  and  the  chances  is  that 
all  he  knows  about  the  old  country  is  what  he 
learned  on  a  couple  of  visits  to  Milwaukee, 
y 'understand.  So  how  could  you  export  a  feller 
like  that?" 

"I  don't  want  to  export  him,  Mawruss.  All  I 
would  like  to  see  is  that  they  should  put  an 
embargo  on  him,"  Abe  said,  "and  on  his  friends, 
them  peace  fellers,  too." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  commented,  "about 
them  peace  fellers,  you  couldn't  blame  'em  ex- 
actly, because  you  know  how  it  is  with  some  people: 
they  'ain't  got  no  control  over  their  feelings,  and 
if  they're  scared  to  death,  y'understand,  they 
couldn't  help  showing  it,  which  my  poor  grand- 
mother, olav  hasholom,  wouldn't  allow  me  to  keep 
so  much  as  a  pea-shooter  in  the  house,  on  account, 
she  says,  if  the  good  Lord  wills  it,  even  a  broom- 
stick could  give  fire." 

"And  yet,  Mawruss,  if  burglars  would  of  broke 
into  her  home,  I  bet  you  she  would  grabbed  the 

nearest  flat-iron  and  went  for  'em  with  it,"  Abe 

12 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

said,  "so  don't  insult  your  grandmother  selig  by 
comparing  her  with  them  peace  fellers  which  they 
oser  care  how  many  burglars  is  johnnying  the 
front  door  just  so  long  as  they  could  hide  under 
the  bed." 

"At  the  same  time,  Abe,  there  is  some  of  them 
peace  fellers  which  ain't  so  much  scared  as  they 
are  contrary,  y'understand,"  Morris  said.  "Take 
this  here  LaFollette,  Abe,  and  that  feller's  motto 
is,  'My  country — I  think  she's  always  wrong 
— but  right  or  wrong — that's  my  opinion  and  I 
stick  to  it.'  All  a  United  States  Senator  has  got 
to  do  is  to  look  like  he  is  preparing  to  say  some- 
thing, y'understand,  and  before  he  can  get  out 
so  much  as  'Brother  President  and  fellow-members 
of  this  organization,'  LaFollette  jumps  up  and 
says,  'I'm  sorry,  but  I  disagree  with  you."1 

"That  must  make  him  pretty  popular  in  the 
Senate,"  Abe  remarked. 

"  Popular 's  no  name  for  it,"  Morris  continued. 
"There  ain't  a  United  States  Senator  which 
wouldn't  stand  willing  to  dig  down  and  pay  for  a 
set  of  engrossed  resolutions  out  of  his  own  pocket, 
just  so  long  as  Senator  LaFollette  would  resign 
or  something." 

"But  Senator  LaFollette  ain't  one  of  them  peace 
fellers,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  replied.  "All  he  wants 
is  to  run  the  war  according  to  Cushing's  Man- 
ual. If  he  had  his  way  we  wouldn't  be  able  to 
give  an  order  for  so  much  as  one-twelfth  dozen 
guns,  y'understand,  without  it  come  up  in  the 

13 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

form  of  a  motion  that  it  is  regularly  moved  and 
seconded  that  the  Secretary  of  War  be  and  he  is 
hereby  authorized  to  order  the  same  and  all 
those  in  favor  will  signify  the  same  by  saying  aye, 
y'understand,  and  even  then,  Abe,  him  and  Sena- 
tor Vardaman  would  call  for  a  show  of  hands 
under  Section  Twelve,  Subsection  D,  of  the  by- 
laws." 

"Then  I  suppose  if  a  few  thousand  American 
soldiers  gets  killed  on  account  they  'ain't  got  the 
right  kind  of  guns,  Mawruss,  we  could  lay  it  to 
Section  Twelve,  Subsection  D,  of  the  by-laws," 
Abe  suggested. 

"And  you  could  give  some  of  them  Senators 
credit  for  an  assist,  Abe,  because  you  take  a 
Senator  like  that,  Abe,  and  when  he  holds  r.p  the 
ammunition  supply  with  a  two-hour  speech, 
y'understand,  he  oser  worries  his  head  how  many 
American  soldiers  is  going  to  be  killed  by  the 
Germans  in  France  six  months  later,  just  so  long 
as  his  own  name  is  spelled  right  by  the  news- 
papers in  New  York  City  next  morning." 

"It  would  help  a  whole  lot,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "if  Senators  and  Congressmen  was  num- 
bered the  same  like  automobiles,  y'understand, 
because  who  is  going  to  waste  his  breath  arguing 
that  the  Senate  should  pass  a  law  which  it's  a  pipe 
the  Senate  ain't  going  to  pass,  on  account  that 
nobody  is  in  favor  of  it  except  himself  and  a 
couple  of  other  Senators  temporarily  absent  on  the 
road,  making  Fargo,  Minneapolis,  Chicago,  and 
points  east  as  traveling  peace  conventicners,  y'un- 

14 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

derstand,  when  he  knows  that  next  morning  the 
only  notice  the  New  York  newspapers  will  take  of 
his  Geschrei  will  be,  'Among  those  who  spoke  in 
the  Senate  yesterday  was: 


D  105-666  ffl 


2016 


COMMERCIAL 

01-232  M 


"Well,  there's  plenty  of  people  which  thinks 
when  Governor  Lauben  wouldn't  let  them  peace 
fellers  run  off  their  convention,  y'understand,  that 
it  was  unconstitutional,"  Morris  said. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "They're  the  same 
people  which  thinks  that  anything  what  helps  us 
and  hinders  Germany  is  unconstitutional,  includ- 
ing the  Constitution.  You  take  them  socialist 
orators,  which  the  only  use  they've  got  for  soap 
is  the  boxes  the  soap  comes  in,  y'understand,  and 
to  hear  them  talk  you  would  think  that  the 
Kaiser  sunk  the  Lusitania  pursuant  to  Article 
Sixty-one,  Section  Two,  of  the  Constitution  of  the 

15 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

United  States,  Mawruss,  whereas  when  President 
Wilson  sends  a  message  to  Congress  asking  them 
when  they  are  going  to  get  busy  on  the  war  taxes 
and  what  do  they  think  this  is,  anyway — a 
Kaffeklatsch,  y 'understand — it  is  all  kinds  of  viola- 
tions of  Articles  Sixteen,  Thirty-two,  O.  K. 
and  C.  O.  D.  of  the  Constitution  and  that  the 
American  people  is  a  lot  of  weak-livered  curs  to 
stand  for  it,  outside  of  being  weak-livered  curs, 
anyway." 

"You  mean  to  say  we  allow  these  here  fellers 
to  get  up  on  soap-boxes  and  say  such  things  like 
that?"  Morris  exclaimed. 

"  We've  got  to  allow  them,"  Abe  replied.  "  The 
Constitution  protects  them." 

"What  do  you  mean — the  Constitution  protects 
them?"  Morris  said.  "Here  a  couple  of  weeks  ago 
a  judge  in  North  Carolina  gives  out  a  decision 
that  the  Constitution  don't  protect  little  children 
eleven  years  old  from  being  made  to  work  in  fac- 
tories, y 'understand,  and  now  you  are  trying  to 
tell  me  that  the  same  Constitution  does  protect 
these  here  loafers!  What  kind  of  a  Constitution 
have  we  got,  anyway?" 

"I  don't  know,  Mawruss,  but  there's  this  much 
about  it,  anyhow — a  lawyer  could  get  more  money 
out  of  just  one  board  of  directors  which  wants  to 
go  ahead  and  put  through  the  deal  if  under  the 
Constitution  of  the  United  States  nobody  could 
do  'em  nothing,  y'understand,  than  he  could  out 
of  all  the  children  which  gets  injured  working  in 
all  the  cotton-mills  south  of  Mason  and  Hamlin's 

16 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

line,  understand  me.  So  you  see,  Mawruss,  the 
Constitution  not  only  protects  these  here  soap- 
box orators,  but  it  also  gives  'em  something  to  talk 
about  because  when  they  want  to  knock  the 
United  States  and  boost  Germany,  all  they  need 
to  say  is  that  you've  got  to  hand  it  to  the  Germans ; 
if  they  kill  little  children,  they're,  anyhow,  foreign 
children  and  not  German  children." 

"I  suppose  a  lot  of  them  soap-box  orators  gets 
paid  by  the  German  government  for  boosting  the 
Germans  the  way  you  just  done  it,  Abe,"  Morris 
commented,  "which  I  see  that  this  here  Ridder 
of  the  New  Yorker  Staats-Zeitung  gives  it  out  that 
any  one  what  accuses  him  that  he  is  getting  paid 
by  the  German  government  for  boosting  the  Kaiser 
in  his  paper  would  got  to  stand  a  suit  for  liable, 
because  he  is  too  patriotic  an  American  sitson  to 
print  articles  boosting  the  Kaiser  except  as  a 
matter  of  friendship  and  free  of  charge — outside 
of  what  he  can  make  by  syndicating  them  to  other 
German  newspapers." 

"But  do  them  other  German  newspapers  get 
paid  by  the  German  government  for  reprinting 
Mr.  Ridder's  articles?"  Abe  asked. 

"That  Mr.  Ridder  don't  say,"  Morris  replied. 

"Well,"  Abe  continued,  "somebody  should  ought 
to  appreciate  the  way  them  German  newspapers 
love  the  Kaiser,  even  if  it's  only  a  United  States 
District  Attorney,  Mawruss,  because  you  take  it 
if  the  shoe  pinched  on  the  other  foot,  and  a  feller 
by  the  name  Jefferson  W.  Rider  was  running  an 
American  newspaper  in  Berlin,  Germany,  by  the 

17 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

name,  we  would  say,  for  example,  the  Berlin, 
Germany,  Star-Gazette,  which  is  heart  and  soul 
for  Germany  and  at  the  same  time  prints  articles 
by  American  military  experts  showing  how  Ger- 
many couldn't  win  the  war,  not  in  a  million  years, 
and  the  sooner  the  German  soldiers  realize  it  the 
quicker  they  wouldn't  get  killed  for  such  a  hope- 
less Geschaft,  y'understand.  Also,  nobody  has  a 
greater  admiration  for  the  Kaiser  than  the  Berlin, 
Germany,  Star-Gazette,  understand  me,  but  that  if 
the  Kaiser  thinks  President  Wilson  is  a  tyrant, 
y'understand,  then  all  the  Star-Gazette  has  got  to 
say  is,  some  day  when  the  Kaiser  is  fixing  the  ends 
of  his  mustache  in  front  of  the  glass  mit  candle- 
grease  or  whatever  such  Chamorrim  uses  on  their 
mustaches  to  make  themselves  look  like  kaisers, 
y'understand,  that  the  Kaiser  should  take  another 
look  in  the  mirror  and  he  would  see  there  such  a 
cutthroat  tyrant  which  President  Wilson  never 
dreamed  of  being  in  Princeton  University  to  the 
shipping-clerk,  even.  Also  this  here  Berlin,  Ger- 
many, Star-Gazette  says  that  Germany  is  the 
land  of  bluff  and  that — 

"One  moment,"  Morris  Perlmutter  interrupted. 
"What  are  you  trying  to  tell  me — that  such  a 
newspaper  would  be  allowed  to  exist  in  Berlin, 
Germany?" 

"I  am  only  giving  you  a  hypo-critical  case, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  continued,  "where  I  am  trying 
to  explain  to  you  that  if  this  was  Germany  it 
wouldn't  be  necessary  for  Mr.  Ridder  to  sue  any- 
body for  liable.  All  he  would  have  to  do  when 

18 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

they  ask  him  if  he's  got  anything  to  say  why 
sentence  should  not  be  passed,  y 'understand,  is  to 
tell  the  judge  what  was  his  trade  before  he  became 
an  editor,  understand  me,  and  they  would  put 
him  to  work  at  it  for  the  remainder  of  the  war." 

"He  wouldn't  get  off  so  easy  as  that,  even," 
Morris  commented.  "Why,  what  do  you  sup- 
pose they  would  do  to  the  editor  of  this  here,  for 
example,  Star-Gazette  if  he  was  to  just  so  much 
as  hint  that  the  Crown  Prince  couldn't  be  such  a 
terrible  good  judge  of  French  chateau  furniture, 
y 'understand,  on  account  he  had  slipped  over  on 
the  Berlin  antique  dealers  a  lot  of  reproductions 
which  they  had  every  right  to  believe  was  genwine 
old  stuff,  as  it  had  been  rescued  from  the  flames, 
packed,  and  shipped  under  the  Crown  Prince  s 
personal  supervision?  I  bet  you,  Abe,  if  the 
paper  was  on  the  streets  at  three-thirty  and  the 
sun  rose  at  three- thirty -five,  y 'understand,  the 
authorities  wouldn't  wait  that  long.  They'd 
shoot  him  at  three-thirty-two." 

"I  know  it,"  Abe  agreed.  "You  see,  Mawruss, 
an  editor,  a  soap-boxer,  a  cotton-mill  owner,  or  a 
stock-waterer  might  get  away  with  it  in  this 
country  under  the  Constitution,  but  over  on  the 
other  side  they  wouldn't  know  what  he  was 
talking  about  at  all,  because  in  Germany,  Mawruss, 
a  constitution  means  only  one  thing.  It's  some- 
thing that  can  be  ruined  by  drinking  too  much 
beer,  and  you  don't  have  to  hire  no  lawyer  for 
that:' 

19 


m 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  FINANCING  THE  WAR 

On  everything  which  a  feller  buys,  from  pinochle  decks  to 
headache  medicine,  he  will  have  to  put  a  stamp. 

"  T  SEE  where  this  here  Chump  Clark  says  that 
*  incomes  from  over  ten  thousand  dollars 
should  ought  to  be  confiscated,"  Abe  Potash  ob- 
served to  his  partner,  Morris  Perlmutter,  one 
morning  in  September. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  replied,  "and  if  this 
here  Chump  Clark  has  a  good  year  next  year  and 
cleans  up  for  a  net  profit  of  ten  thousand  two 
hundred  and  twenty-six  dollars  and  thirty-five 
cents,  then  he'll  claim  that  all  incomes  over  ten 
thousand  two  hundred  and  twenty-six  dollars  and 
thirty-five  cents  should  ought  to  be  confiscated, 
Abe,  and  that's  the  way  it  goes.  I  am  the  same 
way,  Abe.  Any  one  what  makes  more  money  as 
I  do,  Abe,  I  'ain't  got  no  sympathy  for  at  all." 

"I  bet  yer  Vincent  Astor  thinks  that  John  B. 
Rockafellar  should  ought  to  be  satisfied  mit  the 
reasonable  income  which  a  feller  could  make  it 
by  working  hard  at  the  real-estate  business  the 

way  Vincent  Astor  does,"  Abe  commented. 

20 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"John  B.  Rockafellar  oser  worries  his  head  over 
the  ravings  of  a  protelariat,"  Morris  said.  "But, 
anyhow,  Abe,  there's  a  whole  lot  to  what  this  here 
Chump  Clark  says  at  that.  If  we  compel  men 
to  give  up  their  lives  for  their  country,  why 
shouldn't  we  compel  them  fellers  which  has  got 
incomes  of  over  ten  thousand  dollars  to  give  up 
their  property  for  their  country  also?" 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  replied. 
"This  here  Chump  Clark  is  a  Congressman,  and 
the  way  I  feel  about  it  is,  that  when  a  Congress- 
man wants  to  say  something  in  Congress,  y'under- 
stand,  he  should  ought  to  be  compelled  to  first 
submit  it  in  writing  to  a  certified  public  ac- 
countant or,  anyhow,  a  bookkeeper,  y'under- 
stand,  because  the  average  Congressman  'ain't 
got  no  head  for  figures.  Take  Mr.  Clark,  for  ex- 
ample, and  when  he  reckons  that  everybody  which 
gets  drafted  is  going  to  give  up  his  life  for  his 
country,  y'understand,  you  don't  got  to  be  the 
head  actuary  of  the  Equitable  exactly  in  order  to 
figure  it  out  that  he's  made  a  tremendous  over- 
estimate. So  when  the  same  feller  talks  about 
confiscating  incomes  over  ten  thousand,  it  ain't 
necessary  to  ask  how  he  come  to  fix  on  ten  thou- 
sand instead  of  five  thousand  or  fifteen  thousand, 
because  whether  he  tossed  for  it  or  dealt  himself 
three  cold  hands,  and  the  hand  representing 
ten  thousand  dollars  won  out  with  treys  full  of 
deuces,  y'understand,  the  information  ain't  going 
to  help  us  finance  the  war  to  any  extent." 

"Why  not?"  Morris  asked. 
21 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Because  you  take  yourself,  for  instance,  and 
we  would  say  for  the  sake  of  argument  that  in 
nineteen  seventeen  you  turned  over  a  new  leaf 
and  worked  so  hard  that  you  made  fifteen  thousand 
five  hundred  dollars." 

"Listen,  Abe,"  Morris  interrupted,  "if  there  is 
a  new  leaf  coming  to  any  one  around  here,  Abe, 
I  wouldn't  mention  no  names  for  the  sake  of  an 
argument  or  otherwise." 

"All  right,"  Abe  said,  "then  we'll  say  you 
didn't  work  no  harder,  but  just  the  same,  Maw- 
russ,  if  you  was  to  make  fifteen  thousand  five 
hundred  dollars  in  nineteen  seventeen,  and  this 
here  Chump  Clark  gets  the  government  to  con- 
fiscate fifty-five  hundred  dollars  on  you,  how 
much  would  they  confiscate  on  you  in  nineteen 
eighteen?" 

Morris  shrugged  his  shoulders.  "What  is  the 
use  of  talking  pipe  dreams?"  he  said. 

"I  ain't  talking  pipe  dreams,"  Abe  retorted. 
"This  is  something  which  not  only  Chump 
Clark  suggested  it,  but  Senator  LaFollette  also  as 
a  good  scheme  for  financing  the  war." 

"Evidently  they  don't  expect  the  war  to  last 
long,"  Morris  commented,  "which  the  most  the 
government  could  hope  to  collect  is  the  excess  in- 
come for  nineteen  seventeen,  because  if  the  govern- 
ment confiscates  five  thousand  five  hundred  dollars 
on  me  in  nineteen  seventeen,  am  I  going  to  go 
around  in  the  summer  of  nineteen  eighteen  beef- 
ing about  business  being  rotten  because  here  it 
is  the  first  of  July,  nineteen  eighteen,  and  so  far 

22 


all  the  government  could  confiscate  on  me  is 
two  thousand  two  hundred  and  sixty-seven  dol- 
lars and  thirty-eight  cents,  whereas  on  July  first, 
nineteen  seventeen,  I  had  already  got  confiscated 
on  me  two  thousand  four  hundred  and  thirty-one 
dollars  and  fifty  cents?  Oser  a  Stuck!  If  I  have 
made  ten  thousand  dollars  as  early  as  April  first, 
nineteen  eighteen,  and  I  know  that  all  further 
profits  for  nineteen  eighteen  is  going  to  be  con- 
fiscated by  the  government,  y 'understand,  right 
then  and  there  I  am  going  to  shut  up  shop  and 
paste  a  notice  on  the  door: 


GONE  TO  LUNCH 

WILL  RETURN 
JANUARY    2,     1919 


and  anybody  else  would  do  the  same,  Abe,  I  don't 
care  if  he  would  be  as  patriotic  as  Senator  La- 
Follette  himself  even." 

"But  that  ain't  the  only  idees  for  financing  the 
war  which  Congress  has  got  it,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said.  "On  everything  which  a  feller  buys,  from 
pinochle  decks  to  headache  medicine,  he  will 
have  to  put  a  stamp.  There  will  be  extra  stamps 
on  all  kinds  of  checks  from  bank  checks  and 
poker  checks  to  bar  checks  and  hat  checks. 
There  will  be  red  stamps,  blue  stamps,  and 
stamps  in  all  pastel  shades,  and  when  they  run 

out  of  colors  they'll  print  'em  in  black  and  white 
3  23 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

and  issue  them  to  the  public  in  flavors  like 
wintergreen,  peppermint,  spearmint,  and  clove 
for  bar -check  stamps  and  strawberry,  vanilla, 
and  chocolate  nut  Sunday  for  theayter  -  ticket 
stamps." 

"For  my  part  they  could  flavor  'em  with 
gefullte  Miltz  mit  Knockerl,  because  I  got  through 
buying  orchestra  seats  when  they  begun  to  tax 
you  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  for  them,  Abe, 
which  if  the  government  really  and  truly  wants  to 
raise  money  by  taxing  the  public,  why  do  they 
fool  away  their  time  asking  suggestions  from  such 
new  beginners  like  LaFollette  and  Chump  Clark, 
when  right  here  in  New  York  there  is  fellers  in  the 
restaurant  business,  the  theayter  business,  and 
running  hat-check  stands  which  has  made  taxing 
the  public  a  life  study  already.  For  instance,  if  I 
would  be  the  government  and  I  wanted  to  tax 
theayter  tickets,  instead  of  monkeying  around 
with  stamps  for  twenty  or  thirty  cents,  y'under- 
stand,  I  would  put  a  head  waiter  by  the  box- 
office  window,  and  when  the  public  is  through  pay- 
ing for  their  tickets  he  gives  them  one  look, 
y 'understand,  and  they  just  naturally  hand  him  a 
dollar." 

"What  I  couldn't  understand  is  why  should  the 
government  pick  on  people  which  goes  to  theayter 
for  amusement,"  Abe  said.  "Ain't  it  enough  that 
in  order  to  hold  my  trade  I've  got  to  sit  for  three 
hours  listening  to  a  lot  of  nonsense  when  I  could 
hardly  keep  my  eyes  open,  but  I  must  also  get 
writer's  cramp  in  my  tongue  from  licking  stamps 

24 


yet  just  to  oblige  the  United  States  government 
and  a  customer  from  the  Middle  West,  which  it's 
a  gamble  whether  he  wouldn't  return  the  goods 
on  me  even  if  he  does  give  me  the  order." 

"That's  what  it  is  to  have  fellers  working  as 
Congressmen  which  'ain't  had  no  other  business 
experience,"  Morris  declared.  "If  LaFollette  and 
this  here  Clark  knew  what  they  was  about,  Abe, 
they  would  make  it  a  law  that  the  customer  should 
buy  the  stamps,  and  not  alone  for  theayters,  but 
for  meals  also.  You  take  some  of  these  out-of- 
town  buyers  which  you've  practically  got  to  ruin 
their  digestions  before  they  would  so  much  as 
look  at  your  line,  y'understand,  and  if  they  would 
got  to  p^ste  a  fifty-cent  stamp  on  every  broiled 
lobster  they  order  up  on  you  it  would  go  a  long 
way  toward  taking  care  of  the  uniform  bills  for  the 
first  draft." 

"And  they  should  also  got  to  stand  for  the  tax 
on  gasolene  also,"  Abe  added.  "If  you  treat  one 
of  them  grafters  to  so  much  as  a  two-quart  auto- 
mobile ride,  you've  already  sacrificed  half  your 
profit  on  a  couple  of  garments,  even  if  he  does  pay 
for  the  stamps." 

"Cigars  is  another  thing  the  government  could 
of  got  a  lot  of  money  out  of,"  Morris  said. 

"What  do  you  mean — could  of  got?"  Abe  ex- 
claimed. "They  do  get  a  lot  of  money  out  of 
cigars.  You  take  the  average  cigar  to-day  which 
costs  sixty  dollars  a  thousand  to  put  on  the  market, 
Mawruss,  and  each  cigar  stands  the  manufacturer 
in  as  follows: 

25 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Advertising $ .  01 

Printing  and  lithographing 0015 

Manufacturing  and  boxing 01 

Swiss  chard 005 

War  tax. .  .02 


Total $.06" 

"Sure  I  know,"  Morris  agreed,  "but  the  art 
about  taxing  cigars  ain't  so  much  to  sting  the 
feller  that  manufactures  them  and  the  feller  that 
buys  them  as  the  fellers  which  accepts  them  free 
for  nothing.  There  is  a  whole  lot  of  women's- 
wear  retailers  in  the  Middle  West  which  has  got 
quite  a  reputation  for  hospitality,  because  when- 
ever they  have  a  poker  game  up  to  the  house  they 
hand  out  cigars  which  cost  you  and  me  and  other 
garment  manufacturers  here  in  New  York  as 
much  as  ninety  dollars  a  thousand  wholesale. 
So  what  I  say  is  that  the  government  should  tax 
anybody  which  accepts  a  cigar  to  smoke  on  the 
spot  ten  cents,  and  for  every  one  of  them  put-it- 
in-your-pocket-and-smoke-it-after-a-while  cigars, 
such  a  feller  should  be  taxed  ten  dollars  or  ten 
days.'* 

"Well,  they'll  get  a  whole  lot  of  money  raising 
postage  from  two  to  three  cents,"  Abe  suggested. 

"But  not  so  much  as  they  could  get  if  they  was 
to  go  about  it  right,"  Morris  said.  "For  sending 
letters  which  says,  'Inclosed  please  find  check 
in  payment  of  your  last  month's  bill  and  oblige,' 
three  cents  is  enough  for  any  business  man  to 
pay,  Abe,  and  in  fact  the  feller  which  received 

26 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

such  a  letter  shouldn't  ought  to  kick  if  the  Post 
Office  Department  makes  him  pay  also  three  cents 
postage,  but  there  is  some  letters  which  it  should 
ought  to  be  the  law  that  when  a  merchant  re- 
ceived one  of  them  he  should  right  away  report 
the  sender  to  the  Post  Office  Department  for  a 
special  war-tax  stamp  of  from  one  to  a  hundred 
dollars.  For  instance,  two  dollars  extra  wouldn't 
be  too  much  postage  for  a  letter  where  it  says, 
'Your  favor  received  and  contents  noted,  and  in 
reply  would  say  you  should  be  so  kind  and  wait 
a  couple  days  and  I  would  see  what  I  could  do 
toward  sending  you  a  check  for  your  March  bill, 
as  my  wife  has  been  sick  ever  since  May  fifteenth, 
and  oblige,  yours  truly,  The  Reliance  Store, 
M.  Doober,  proprietor."' 

"If  all  them  overdue  retailers  which  is  all  the 
time  pulling  a  sick  wife  on  their  creditors  was  to 
be  taxed  two  dollars  apiece,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
*'how  much  postage  do  you  figure  a  storekeeper 
should  pay  when  he  writes  to  claim  a  shortage  in 
delivery  before  he  starts  to  unpack  the  goods,  even. 
Then  there  is  the  feller  which,  when  it  don't  get 
below  zero  promptly  on  the  first  of  November, 
writes  to  tell  you  that  he  must  say  he  is  surprised, 
as  the  winter-weight  garments  which  you  shipped 
him  ain't  nowheres  up  to  sample  and  is  holding 
same  at  your  disposal  and  remain,  which  if  the 
government  would  come  down  on  him  for  a  hun- 
dred dollars,  he  is  practically  getting  off  with  a 
warning.  And  I  could  think  of  a  lot  of  other 
excess-postage  cases,  too,  but,  as  I  understand  it, 

27 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

we  are  only  trying  to  raise  forty  billion  dollars, 
Mawruss." 

"Don't  let  that  stop  you,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"because  there's  going  to  be  plenty  of  extras  over 
and  above  the  original  estimate,  which  I  see  that 
a  lot  of  South  American  countries  is  coming  into 
the  war  and  it's  only  a  question  of  a  month  or  so 
when  we  would  have  calling  on  us  a  commission 
from  Peru,  a  commission  from  Chile,  a  commission 
from  Bolivia,  a  commission  from  Paraguay,  and 
all  of  them  with  the  same  hard-luck  story,  that  if 
they  only  had  a  couple  of  billion  dollars  they 
could  put  an  army  of  five  hundred  thousand  sol- 
diers into  the  field,  if  they  only  had  five  hundred 
thousand  soldiers." 

"Just  the  same,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "them 
countries  is  going  to  be  a  lot  of  help." 

"And  when  we  get  through  paying  the  help, 
y 'understand,  we've  still  got  to  raise  money  for 
the  family  to  live  on,"  Morris  said,  "so  go 
ahead  with  your  suggestion,  Abe.  Maybe 
there's  some  taxes  which  Congress  'ain't  thought 
of  yet." 

"Well,  there's  this  here  free  speech,  which, 
instead  of  being  free,  Mawruss,  if  it  was  subject  to 
a  tax  of  one  dollar  per  soap-box  hour,  payable 
strictly  in  advance,  y'understand,  so  far  as  the 
pacifists  is  concerned,  you  would  be  able  to  hear 
a  pin  drop.  Even  Congressmen  would  soon  get 
tired  of  paying  from  twenty  to  twenty -four  dollars 
a  day,  especially  if  the  government  made  it  a 
stamp  tax." 

28 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"LaFollette  would  be  covered  mit  stamps  from 
head  to  foot,"  Morris  remarked. 

"That  would  suit  me  all  right,"  Abe  said, 
"particularly  if  the  collector  of  internal  revenue 
was  to  run  him  with  stamps  affixed  through  a 
cancellation-machine  and  cancel  him  good  and 
proper." 


IV 


POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER    ON    BERNSTORFF's 
EXPENSE   ACCOUNT 

Here  he  is  coming  back  from  his  trip  after  losing  his  whole 
territory  to  his  firm's  competitors,  and  naturally  he 
tries  to  make  a  good  showing  with  his  expense  account. 

"T  SEE  where  the  government  puts  a  limit  on 

•••  the  price  which  coal-dealers  could  charge  for 
coal,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner,  Morris 
Perlmutter. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said,  "but  did  the  coal- 
dealers  see  it,  because  I  met  Felix  Geigermann  on 
the  Subway  this  morning,  and  from  the  way  he 
talked  about  what  the  coal-dealers  was  asking  for 
coal  up  in  Sand  Plains,  where  he  lives,  Abe,  I 
gathered  it  was  somewheres  around  twenty  dol- 
lars a  caret  unset." 

"Gott  sei  dank  I  am  living  in  an  apartment  mit 
steam  heat  and  my  lease  has  still  got  two  years  to 
run  at  the  same  rent,"  Abe  said. 

"Well,  I  hope  it's  written  on  good  thick  paper, 
and  then  it  '11  come  in  handy  to  wear  under  your 
overcoat  when  you  sit  home  evenings  next  winter, 
Abe,  because  by  the  first  of  next  February  janitors 

30 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

will  be  giving  coal  to  the  furnace  like  it  would  be 
asperin — from  five  to  ten  grains  every  three  hours/' 
Morris  predicted,  "which  I  will  admit  that  I  ain't 
a  good  enough  judge  of  anthracite  coal  to  tell 
whether  it's  fireproof,  of  slow-burning  construc- 
tion, or  just  the  ordinary  sprinkled  risk,  y 'under- 
stand, but  I  do  know  coal-dealers,  Abe,  and  if  the 
government  says  they  must  got  to  sell  coal  at 
seven  dollars  a  ton,  y'understand,  it  '11  be  like 
buying  one  of  them  high-grade  automobiles  where 
the  list  price  includes  only  the  engine  and  the  two 
front  wheels,  F.  O.  B.  Detroit.  In  other  words, 
Abe,  if  you  would  buy  coal  to-day  at  seven  dollars 
a  ton  you  would  get  a  bill  something  like  this: 

To  coal $7.00 

To  loading  coal 1 .00 

To  unloading  coal 1 . 00 

To  weighing  coal 1 . 00 

To  delivering  coal 1 . 00 

To  dusting  off  coal 1 .00 

and  you  would  be  playing  in  luck  if  you  didn't  get 
charged  a  dollar  each  for  tasting  coal,  smelling 
coal,  feeling  coal,  arid  doing  anything  else  to  coal 
that  a  coal-dealer  would  have  the  nerve  to  charge 
one  dollar  for." 

"Well,  if  I  would  be  the  United  States  govern- 
ment," Abe  commented,  "and  had  got  a  practical 
coal-man  like  this  here  Garfield  to  set  a  limit  of 
seven  dollars  I  wouldn't  let  them  robbers  pull  no 
last  rounds  of  rang-doodles  on  me,  Mawruss.  I'd 

31 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

take  away  their  chips  from  'em  and  put  'em  right 
out  of  the  game." 

"Sure  I  know,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "aber  this 
here  Garfield  ain't  a  practical  coal-man,  Abe,  and 
maybe  that's  the  trouble.  Mr.  Garfield  is  presi- 
dent of  Williams  College,  so  you  couldn't  blame 
these  here  coal-dealers,  because  you  know  as  well 
as  I  do,  Abe,  the  garment  trade  will  certainly  put 
up  an  awful  holler  if  when  it  comes  to  appoint  a 
cloak-and-suit  administrator  Mr.  Wilson  is  going 
to  wish  on  us  some  such  expert  as  Nicholas  Murray 
Butler  oder  the  president  of  the  Union  Theological 
Cemetery." 

"At  that,"  Abe  said,  "I  think  they'd  know  more 
about  the  price  of  garments  than  Bernstorff  did 
about  the  price  of  Congressmen.  I  always  give 
that  feller  credit  for  more  sense  than  that  he  should 
try  to  explain  an  item  in  his  expense  account  by 
claiming  that 

April  3,  1917,  To  sundries $50,000 

was  what  he  paid  for  bribing  the  United  States 
Congress." 

"Well,  say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "The  poor 
feller  had  to  tell  'em  something,  didn't  he?  Here 
he  is  coming  back  from  his  trip  after  losing  his 
whole  territory  to  his  firm's  competitors,  and 
naturally  he  tries  to  make  a  good  showing  with  his 
expense  account,  which,  believe  me,  Abe,  if  I  was 
a  rotten  salesman  like  that,  before  I  would  face  my 
employer — and  such  an  employer,  because  that 
Rostier  'ain't  got  them  spike-end  mustaches  for 

32 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

nothing,  Abe — I  would  first  jump  in  the  river,  even 
if  my  expense  account  showed  that  I  had  been 
staying  in  a-dollar-and-a-half-a-day  American-plan 
hotels  and  had  sat  up  nights  in  the  smoker  for  big 
jumps  like  from  Terre  Haute  to  Paducah." 

"Can  you  imagine  the  way  the  Kaiser  feels?" 
Abe  said.  "I  suppose  at  the  start  he  was  keeping 
so  calm  that  he  bit  the  end  off  his  fountain  pen 
and  started  to  light  the  cap,  and  probably  took  one 
or  two  puffs  before  he  noticed  anything  strange 
about  the  flavor,  because  you  could  easy  make  a 
mistake  like  that  with  a  German  cigar. 

"'Nu,  Bernstorff,'  he  says,  at  last,  as  he  looks 
at  the  expense  account,  *  before  we  take  up  the 
matter  of  this  here  eight-foot  shelf  of  the  world's 
greatest  fiction  I  would  like  to  hear  what  you  got 
to  say  for  yourself,  so  go  ahead  mit  your  lies  and 
make  it  short.' 

"I  suppose  you  got  my  letters/  Bernstorff  be- 
gins, 'the  ones  I  sent  you  through  the  Swede.' 

"'What  Swede?'  the  Kaiser  says. 
"Yon  Yonson,  the  second  assistant  ambassa- 
dor,' Bernstorff  answers.  'I  told  him  if  he  got 
them  letters  through  for  me  that  you  would  give 
him  an  order  on  the  Chancellor  for  a  first-class  red 
eagle,  but  I  guess  he'd  be  satisfied  with  one  of 
them  old-rose  eagles,  Class  Four  B,  that  we  used 
to  have  piled  up  there  in  the  corner  of  the  ship- 
ping-room.' 

"I  wouldn't  even  give  him  an  order  on  Mike, 
the  Popular  Berlin  Hatter,  for  a  two-dollar  derby, 
even,'  the  Kaiser  says.  'Chutzpah!  Writes  me 

33 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

letter  after  letter  with  nothing  but  weather  reports 
in  'em,  and  he  wants  me  I  should  give  this  here 
Yonson  a  red  eagle  yet  which  costs  me  thirty- 
two  fifty  a  dozen  wholesale.  Seemingly  to  you, 
Bernstorff,  money  is  nothing.' 

"Here  the  old  man  grabs  ahold  of  the  expense 
account  again. 

"'Honestly,  Bernstorff,'  he  says,  *I  don't  see 
how  you  had  the  heart  to  spend  all  that  money 
when  you  know  how  things  are  here  in  Berlin.  If 
me  and  my  Gussie  sits  down  once  a  week  to  such  a 
piece  of  meat  as  gedampfte  Brustdeckel  mit  Kartof- 
felpfannkuchen,  y 'understand,  that's  already  a 
feast  for  us,  and  as  for  chicken,  I  assure  you  we 
'ain't  had  so  much  as  a  soup  fowl  in  the  house 
since  my  birthday  a  year  ago,  and  you  got  the 
nerve  to  send  me  in  an  expense  account  like  this. 
Aint  it  a  shame  and  a  disgrace? 

1916,  May  1.  Bolo $4.00 

5.  Bolo 6.00 

9.  Bolo 3.25 

and  every  other  day  for  week  after  week  you 
spent  on  Bolo  anywheres  from  one  to  fifteen  dol- 
lars. Tell  me,  Bernstorff,  how  could  a  man  make 
such  a  god  out  of  his  stomach?' 

"'Why,  what  do  you  think  Bolo  is?'  Bernstorff 
asks. 

"'I  don't  think  what  Bolo  is;  I  know  what 
Bolo  is,'  the  Kaiser  tells  him,  and  a  dreamy  look 
comes  into  his  eyes.  'Many  a  time  I  seen  my 
poor  Grossmutter  olav  hasholom  make  it.  She 

34 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

used  to  chop  up  ten  onions,  five  cents'  worth  pars- 
ley, and  a  big  piece  Knoblauch,  add  six  eggs  and  a 
half  a  pound  melted  butter,  and  let  simmer  slowly. 
Now  take  your  chicken  and — •' 

"'All  right,  Boss,  I  wouldn't  argue  with  you,' 
Bernstorff  says,  'because  them  amounts  represent 
only  the  preliminary  lunches  which  I  give  this 
here  Bolo.  Further  down  you  would  see  where  he 
gets  the  real  big  money,  and  then  I'll  explain.' 

"'Well,  explain  this,'  the  old  man  says.  'Here 
under  date  July  second,  nineteen  sixteen,  it  stand 
an  item: 

To  blowing  up  munitions  plant $10,000 

Who  did  you  get  to  do  it?     Caruso?' 

"'You  couldn't  blow  up  a  munitions  plant  and 
make  a  first-class  job  of  it  under  ten  thousand 
dollars,  Boss,'  Bernstorff  says. 

'"Is  that  so?'  the  Kaiser  tells  him.  'Well,  let 
me  tell  you  something,  Bernstorff.  I've  got  a 
pretty  good  line  on  what  them  munitions  explo- 
sions ought  to  cost.  My  eldest  boy  has  been  blow- 
ing up  buildings  in  France  for  over  three  years 
now,  and  for  what  it  costs  to  blow  up  a  factory 
he  could  blow  up  two  cathedrals  and  a  chateau.' 

"'Have  it  your  own  way,  Boss,'  Bernstorff  says, 
'but  them  chateau  buildings  is  so  old  that  they're 
pretty  near  falling  down,  anyway.' 

"Don't  give  me  no  arguments,'  the  Kaiser  says. 
'I  suppose  you're  going  to  tell  me  these  here 

8  5-12  doz  asstd  bombs $3,200 

35 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

was  some  Saturday  specials  you  picked  up  in  a 
bargain  basement.  What  was  they  filled  with, 
rubies?' 

"'Bombs  is  awful  high,  Boss,'  Bernstorff  says. 
*Ask  Dernburg  what  he  used  to  pay  for  bombs; 
ask  Von  Papen;  ask  this  here  judge  of  the  New 
York  Supreme  Court — I  forget  his  name;  ask 
anybody;  they  would  tell  you  the  same.' 

"Should  I  also  ask  'em  if  spies  gets  paid  in 
America  the  same  like  stomach  specialists  in  Ger- 
many? Look  at  this: 

To  one  week's  salary  12,235  spies.  .  .  .$1,223,500 

What  have  you  been  doing,  Bernstorff?  Keeping 
a  steam-yacht  on  me  and  charging  it  up  as  spies?' 

"Listen,  Boss,'  Bernstorff  says.  'If  you  would 
know  what  an  awful  strong  organization  spies  has 
got  in  the  United  States,  instead  you  would  be 
talking  to  me  this  way  you  would  be  thanking 
your  lucky  stars  that  I  didn't  let  'em  run  the  wage 
scale  up  on  me  no  higher  than  they  did.  Why, 
before  I  left  Washington  a  deputation  from  Local 
Number  One  Amalgamated  Spies  of  North  Amer- 
ica comes  to  see  me  and — ' 

"What  the  devil  you  are  talking  nonsense?' 
the  Kaiser  shouts.  'Moost  you  got  to  employ 
union  spies?  Couldn't  you  find  thousands  and 
thousands  of  non-union  spies  to  work  for  you?' 
"  *  That  only  goes  to  show  what  you  know  about 
America,'  Bernstorff  says.  'There's  a  whole  lot 
of  people  in  America  which  would  stand  for  blow- 
ing up  factories,  sinking  passenger-steamers,  shoot- 

36 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

ing  up  hospitals,  and  dropping  bombs  on  kinder- 
gartens, y'understand,  but  when  it  comes  to  people 
employing  scab  labor,  they  draw  the  line.  And 
then  again,  Boss,  spies  is  very  highly  thought  of 
in  America.  Respectable  people,  like  lawyers  and 
doctors,  gets  arrested  every  day  over  there,  and 
even  once  in  a  while  a  minister,  y'understand,  but 
a  spy — never!' 

"At  this  point  when  it  looks  like  plain  sailing 
for  Bernstorff,  the  Kaiser  picks  out  that  fifty- 
thousand-dollar  item,  and  right  there  Bernstorff 
makes  his  big  mistake,  for  as  soon  as  he  starts 
that  Congressmen  story  the  old  man  begins  to 
figure  that  if  Congressmen  are  so  cheap  and  spies 
so  dear,  y'understand,  the  only  thing  to  do  is  to 
call  up  the  Polizeiprasidium  and  tell  'em  to  send 
around  a  plain-clothes  man  right  away  to  number 
Twenty-six  A  Schloss  Platz,  ring  Hohenzollern's 
bell." 

"Then  you  really  think  that  Bernstorff  and 
Von  Papen  and  all  them  crooks  didn't  spend  the 
money  over  here  that  they  claimed  they  spent," 
Morris  said. 

"They  probably  spent  it,  all  right,'*  Abe  replied, 
"but  whether  or  not  they  spent  it  for  what  they 
claimed  they  spent  it  for,  Mawruss,  that  I  don't 
know,  because  if  them  fellers  didn't  stop  at  arson, 
dynamiting,  and  murder,  why  should  they  hesi- 
tate at  petty  larceny?" 

"But  what  them  boys  did  in  the  way  of  blow- 
ing up  munitions  plants  and  sinking  passenger- 
steamers  was  because  they  loved  the  Kaiser  so 

37 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

much,  and  instead  of  arresting  Bernstorff  for  the 
money  he  spent,  Abe,  I  bet  yer  the  Kaiser  made 
him  a  thirty-second  degree  passed  assistant 
Geheimrat  or  something,"  Morris  declared. 

"Well,  there's  no  accounting  for  tastes,  Maw- 
russ,"  Abe  said,  "and  if  these  here  Germans  is 
willing  to  slaughter,  rob,  and  burn  because  they  are 
in  love  with  a  feller  which  to  me  has  a  personality 
as  attractive  as  the  framed  insides  of  the  entrance 
to  a  safe  deposit  vault,  y'understand,  all  I  can 
say  is  that  I  don't  give  them  no  more  credit  for  it 
than  I  would  to  a  bookkeeper  who  committed 
forgery  because  he  was  in  love  with  the  third  lady 
from  the  end  in  the  second  row  of  the  original 
Bowery  Burlesquers." 

"The  wonder  to  me  is  that  the  Kaiser  don't  see 
it  that  way,  too,"  Morris  commented. 

"That's  because  when  it  comes  right  down  to 
it,  Mawruss,  the  third  lady  from  the  end  ain't 
no  more  stuck  on  herself  than  the  Kaiser  is  on  him- 
self," Abe  said.  "Them  third  ladies  from  the  end 
figure  that  the  poor  suckers  always  did  like  'em, 
and  that  therefore  they  are  always  going  to  like 
'em,  so  they  go  ahead  and  treat  their  admirers 
like  dawgs  and  take  everything  they  give  'em, 
y'understand,  and  the  end  of  it  is  that  either  a 
third  lady  becomes  so  careless  that  from  a  perfect 
thirty-six  she  comes  to  be  an  imperfect  fifty-four 
and  has  to  work  for  a  living,  or  else  she  gets 
pinched  for  receiving  the  property  which  them 
poor  buffaloed  admirers  of  hers  handed  over  to 
her,  and  that  '11  be  the  end  of  the  Kaiser,  too." 

38 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"And  how  soon  do  you  think  that  will  happen?" 
Morris  asked. 

"That  depends  on  how  soon  the  Kaiser's  ad- 
mirers gets  through  with  him,"  Abe  said. 

"Maybe  the  Kaiser  will  quit  first,"  Morris  con- 
cluded, "because  you  take  them  third  ladies  from 
the  end,  Abe,  and  sooner  or  later  they  grow 

terrible  tired  of  this  here — now — fast  life." 
4 


V 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  DISCUSS  ON   THE  FRONT 
PAGE  AND   OFF 

What  war  done  ain't  a  marker  on  what  peace  is  going  to  do 
to  a  great  many  of  these  here  front-page  propositions 
which  is  nowadays  accustomed  to  being  continued  on 
page  two,  column  five,  y'understand. 

"T/'ES,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  as  he  thrust  aside 
•*•  the  sporting  section  one  Sunday  in  Oc- 
tober>  "a  people  at  war  is  like  a  man  with  a  sick 
wife.  Nothing  else  interests  him,  which  here  it 
stands  an  account  from  how  them  loafers  out  in 
Chicago  plays  baseball  for  the  world's  record  yet, 
and  for  all  the  effect  it  has  on  me,  Mawruss,  it 
might  just  so  well  be  something  which  catches  my 
eye  for  the  first  time  in  the  old  newspaper  padding 
which  my  wife  pulls  out  from  under  the  carpet 
when  she  is  house-cleaning  in  the  spring  of  nine- 
teen twenty." 

"Well,"  Morris  said,  "I  must  got  to  confess  that 
when  I  seen  it  yesterday  how  this  here  Fleisch 
shoots  a  home  run  there  in  the  fifth  innings,  I— 

"What  are  you  talking  nonsense — a  home  run 
in  the  fifth  innings!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "The  home 
run  was  made  in  the  fourth  innings.  The  White 

40 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

Sox  didn't  make  no  score  in  the  fifth  innings.  It 
was  the  Giants  which  made  their  only  run  in  the 
fifth.  McCarty  knocked  a  three-bagger  and 
Sallee  singled  and  brought  him  home.  You  tell 
me  what  innings  Fleisch  shot  a  home  run  in!" 

"All  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "I  wouldn't  argue 
with  you,  but  all  I  got  to  say  is  you're  lucky  that 
on  account  of  the  war  you  ain't  interested  in 
auction  pinochle  the  way  you  ain't  interested  in 
baseball,  otherwise  you  might  get  quite  a  reputa- 
tion as  a  gambler." 

"I  am  just  so  much  worried  about  this  war  as 
you  are,  Mawruss,"  Abe  protested,  "but  if  I 
couldn't  take  my  mind  off  of  it  long  enough  to  find 
out  which  ball  team  is  winning  the  world  series  I 
would  be  a  whole  lot  more  worried  about  myself  as 
I  would  be  about  the  war,  which  it  don't  make  no 
difference  how  much  a  man  loves  his  wife,  y'un- 
derstand,  if  she's  only  sick  on  him  long  enough, 
Mawruss,  he's  going  to  get  sufficiently  used  to  it  to 
take  in  now  and  then  a  good  show  occasionally. 
In  fact,  Mawruss,  it's  a  relief  to  read  once  in  a 
while  in  the  newspapers  something  which  ain't 
about  the  war,  like  a  murder,  y'understand,  the 
only  drawback  being  that  along  about  the  third 
day  after  the  discovery  of  the  body,  and  just 
when  you  are  getting  interested  in  the  thing, 
General  Haig  advances  another  mile  on  a  couple 
of  thousand  kilowatt  front,  y'understand,  and  for 
all  you  can  find  anything  in  the  newspaper  about 
your  murder,  y'understand  me,  the  feller  needn't 
have  troubled  himself  to  commit  it  at  all." 

41 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Murderers  ain't  the  only  people  which  got 
swamped  by  the  war,"  Morris  said.  "Take 
William  J.  Bryan,  for  example,  and  up  to  within  a 
year  or  so,  Abe,  the  newspaper  publicity  which 
William  J.  Bryan  got  free,  y 'understand,  William 
J.  Douglas  would  of  paid  a  quarter  of  a  million 
dollars  for.  Take  also  this  here  Hobson  which 
sunk  the  Merrimac  and  Lindsey  M.  Garrison, 
who  by  resigning  from  the  War  Department  come 
within  an  ace  and  a  couple  of  pinochle  decks 
thrown  in  of  ruining  Mr.  Wilson's  future  pros- 
pects, Abe,  and  there  was  two  fellers  which  used 
to  get  into  the  newspapers  as  regularly  as  Harry 
K.  Thaw  and  Peruna,  and  yet,  Abe,  if  any  time 
during  the  past  six  months  William  J.  Bryan, 
Lindsey  M.  Garrison,  and  this  here  Hobson  would 
of  been  out  riding  together,  and  the  automobile 
was  to  run  over  a  cliff  a  hundred  feet  high  onto 
a  railroad  track  and  be  struck  by  the  cannon-ball 
express,  understand  me,  the  most  they  could  ex- 
pect to  see  about  it  in  the  papers  would  be: 

NEWS  IN  BRIEF 

An  automobile  rolled  over  an  embankment  at  Van 
Benschoten  Avenue  and  456th  Street,  the  Bronx,  landing  in  a 
railroad  cut.  Its  four  occupants  are  in  Lincoln  Hospital. 
One  of  them,  George  K.  Smith,  a  chauffeur,  suffered  a  fracture 
of  the  skull. 

More  than  fifty  pawn  tickets  were  found  on  Peter  Krasnick, 
who  was  caught  in  Brooklyn  after  a  chase  over  a  rear  fire- 
escape.  He  is  charged  with  burglary. 


World  Wants  Work  Wonders 

42 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

And  if  at  the  last  moment  before  the  reporters 
goes  home  for  the  night  word  comes  that  the 
Germans  made  another  strong  attack  on  Hill 
Six-sixty-six  B,  y 'understand,  they  strike  out 
everything  except  'World  Wants  Work  Wonders' 
and  let  it  go  at  that." 

"Referendum  and  Recall  is  something  else 
which  you  used  to  see  a  whole  lot  about  in 
the  papers,"  Abe  said,  "and  while  I  always 
ducked  'em  myself,  at  the  same  time  there 
must  be  a  whole  lot  of  people  which  is  won- 
dering what  ever  become  of  'em  since  the  war 
started." 

"The  chances  is,"  Morris  declared,  "if  they 
was  to  come  across  the  names  Referendum  and 
Recall  in  the  papers  to-day,  Abe,  they  would  say 
it's  a  miracle  they  escaped  as  long  as  they  did, 
because  they've  got  a  hazy  impression  they  read 
it  somewheres  that  the  Recollection,  the  Resur- 
rection, and  the  Reproduction  of  the  same  line 
was  sunk  by  U-boats  about  the  time  they  tor- 
pedoed the  Minnieboska,  the  Mmnietoba,  and  all 
them  other  Minnies." 

"Prize-fighting  is  also  got  a  black  eye  in  the 
way  of  newspaper  publicity  since  we  went  into  the 
war,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued,  "and  it  ain't  re- 
markable, neither,  when  you  look  back  and  think 
of  the  pages  and  pages  the  newspapers  used  to 
print  about  a  couple  of  loafers  trying  to  hurt  each 
other  with  gloves  on  their  hands,  which,  believe 
me,  Mawruss,  a  green  shipping-clerk  could  give 
himself  worse  Makkas  nailing  up  one  case  of  goods 

43 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

than  them  boys  could  do  to  each  other  in  a  whole 
season  already." 

"I  bet  yer,"  Morris  said,  "and  for  such  a  picnic 
Jeff  Willard  used  to  get  over  a  hundred  thousand 
dollars  yet." 

"  Can  you  imagine  how  much  money  one  of  them 
aviators  over  in  the  old  country  ought  to  draw 
under  such  a  wage  scale?"  Abe  asked.  "I  read 
an  account  of  what  an  aviator  has  got  to  do  when 
he  goes  up  in  an  airyoplane,  Mawruss,  and  at  one 
and  the  same  time  while  he  is  balancing  himself 
five  thousand  feet  in  the  air  he  takes  photographs, 
shoots  off  guns,  drops  bombs,  sends  wireless  tele- 
graphs, and  also  runs  and  steers  an  engine  which 
is  so  powerful,  y 'understand,  that  if  you  would  be 
running  it  on  dry  land,  Mawruss,  you  wouldn't 
be  able  to  take  your  mind  off  of  it  long  enough  to 
think  about  the  high  cost  of  camera  supplies,  let 
alone  taking  pictures  yet." 

"I  wonder  if  such  a  young  feller  has  got  also  a 
knowledge  of  bookkeeping  and  stenography," 
Morris  speculated. 

"What  difference  does  that  make?"  Abe  asked. 

"Because,  Abe,  if  after  the  war  we  could  get 
him  to  come  to  work  in  our  place  it  would  pay  us 
to  give  him  a  hundred  dollars  a  week  even," 
Morris  replied,  "on  account  it  would  be  a  cinch, 
after  what  he's  been  used  to  in  his  last  position, 
for  such  a  young  feller  to  operate  an  electric 
rotary  cutting-machine  with  his  left  hand  and 
press  garments  with  his  right,  and  he  has  still 
got  both  legs  and  his  head  left  to  keep  the  books, 

44 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

answer  the  telephone,  run  a  typewriter  and  an 
addfng-machine,  and  fix  up. a  new  card  index  for 
our  credit  system." 

"At  that  he  would  probably  throw  up  the  job 
on  account  he  didn't  have  enough  to  do  to  keep 
him  busy,  Mawruss,"  Abe  commented,  "and  also 
it's  going  to  be  pretty  hard  for  them  fellers  to 
settle  down  after  the  war  gets  through,  considering 
all  the  excitement  they've  had  with  their  names 
in  the  papers  and  everything." 

"Say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "The  fact  that  a 
feller  like  Hindenberg  is  now  getting  his  name  in 
the  paper  the  way  it  used  to  was  a  few  years  ago 
with  Hannah  Elias  and  Cassie  Chadwick  ain't  no 
criterion  to  judge  by,  Abe,  because  what  war  done 
to  make  the  newspapers  forget  their  old  friends 
Bryan  and  Evelyn  Nesbut  ain't  a  marker  on  what 
peace  is  going  to  do  to  a  great  many  of  these 
here  front-page  propositions  which  is  nowadays  ac- 
customed to  being  continued  on  page  two,  column 
five,  y'understand.  Why,  I  wouldn't  be  a  bit  sur- 
prised if  in  about  five  or  six  years  from  now,  Abe, 
you  are  going  to  take  up  the  paper  some  morning 
and  read  an  item  like  this: 

OBITUARY  NOTES 

Max  K.  Hindenberg,  83  years  old,  a  clothing  merchant, 
member  of  the  firm  of  Hindenberg  &  Levy,  and  recording 
secretary  of  Sigmund  Meyer  Post  No.  97  Veterans  of  the 
War  of  1914-1918,  died  early  yesterday  at  his  home,  2076 
East  8th  Street,  Potsdam,  Germany,  yesterday.  Deceased 
was  a  native  of  East  Prussia. 

45 


And  the  chances  is  that  ninety-nine  out  of  a 
hundred  people  ain't  even  going  to  say  to  them- 
selves, 'Where  did  I  hear  that  name  before?'* 

"That's  where  you  make  a  big  mistake,  Maw- 
russ,"  Abe  said.  "Hindenberg  is  a  very  popular 
feller  in  Germany,  and  I  bet  yer  that  on  every  map 
filed  in  the  county  clerks*  offices  of  Prussian  real- 
estate  developments  during  the  past  three  years 
there*s  a  Hindenberg  Street  or  a  Hindenberg 
Avenue,  to  say  nothing  of  the  babies  which  has 
been  born  over  there  and  named  Max  Hindenberg 
Goldsticker  or  Max  Hindenberg  Schwartz." 

"Sure   I  know,"  Moms  said,   "and  you  can 
take  my  word  for  it,  Abe,  along  about  nineteen 
hundred   and   thirty-five   there's   going   to   be   a 
whole  lot  of  lawyers  over  in  Deutschland  making 
from  twenty-five  to  fifty  marks  a  throw  for  putting 
through  motions  in  the  Court  of  Common  Pleas 
for  the  City  and  County  of  Berlin  that  the  name 
of  the  said  applicant,   Max  H.   Goldsticker  or 
Max  H.  Schwartz,  as  the  case  may  or  may  not  be, 
be  and  the  same  hereby  is  changed  to  Frank 
Pershing  Goldsticker  or  Woodrow  W.  Schwartz. 
Also,  Abe,  if  ever  they  open  up  Charlottenberg 
Heights  overlooking  beautiful  Lake  Hundekehlen 
as  per  plat  filed  in  the  office  of  the  register  of 
Brandenburg  County,  y'understand,  there'll  be  a 
Helfferich  Place,  a  Liebknecht  Avenue,  and  even 
a  Bebel  Terrace  maybe,  but  in  twenty  years  from 
now  a  German  real-estater  wouldn't  be  able  even 
to  give  away  lots  free  for  nothing  on  any  Hinden- 
berg Street  or  Hindenberg  Avenue,  not  if  he  was 

46 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

to  throw  in  a  two-family  house  with  portable 
garage  complete." 

"  Well,  you  could  say  the  same  thing  about  this 
country,  too,"  Abe  declared,  "which  twenty  years 
from  now,  people  wouldn't  know  whether  the 
word  viereck  was  a  fish  or  a  cheese;  and  as  for  all 
them  college  professors  which  got  fired  recently 
because  they  made  the  mistake  of  thinking  that 
a  college  professor  gets  paid  to  fool  away  his  time 
making  speeches  against  the  government  the  same 
like  a  United  States  Senator,  y'understand,  I 
couldn't  even  remember  their  names  to-day  yet, 
so  you  can  imagine  how  they're  going  to  go  down 
in  history,  Mawruss:  compared  to  them  fellers, 
there  are  a  few  thousand  notary  publics  whose 
names  will  be  household  words  already." 

"Any  man  who  thinks  he  is  going  to  make  a 
name  for  himself  by  talking  or  writing  against  his 
country  is  due  to  get  badly  fooled,  I  don't  care 
if  he  would  be  a  college  professor,  a  United  States 
Senator,  or  an  editor,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because 
the  most  he  could  hope  for  is  the  thing  what 
usually  happens  him.  He  gets  fired,  Abe,  and  the 
only  reputation  a  feller  gets  by  getting  fired  is  the 
reputation  for  getting  fired,  and  that  ain't  much 
of  a  recommendation  when  he  comes  to  look  for 
another  job." 

"The  people  I  am  sorry  for  is  the  wives  of  these 
here  professors,"  Abe  said,  "which  even  when  a 
college  professor  has  got  steady  work  his  wife 
'ain't  got  no  bed  of  roses  to  make  both  ends  meet, 
neither,  and  I  bet  yer  more  than  one  of  them  ladies 

47 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

will  got  to  do  a  little  plain  sewing  for  a  living  on 
account  her  husband  became  so  hot-headed  over 
this  here  pacificism." 

"That's  the  trouble  with  them  pacifists,"  Mor- 
ris concluded.  "If  they  would  only  take  some 
of  the  heat  out  of  their  heads  and  put  it  into  their 
feet,  Abe,  they  could  hold  onto  their  jobs  and  their 
wives  wouldn't  got  to  go  to  work  at  all.  Am  I 
right  or  wrong?" 


VI 


POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER    ON    HOOVERIZING    THE 
OVERHEAD 

When  a  feller  reckons  the  overhead  on  the  goods  he  manu- 
factures he  figures  in  one-twelfth  of  his  telephone  number, 
one-twelfth  of  the  year  he  was  born,  and  one-twelfth  of 
every  other  number  he  can  remember  from  his  automobile 
to  his  street  number. 

course,  Mawruss,  I  don't  claim  that  Mr. 
Hoover  don't  know  his  business  nor  noth- 
ing like  that,"  Abe  Potash  said  as  he  finished  read- 
ing a  circular  mailed  to  him  by  the  Food  Conserva- 
tion Director,  "but  at  the  same  time  if  I  would  be 
permitted  to  make  a  suggestion,  Mawruss,  I 
would  suggest  that  in  addition  to  following  out 
all  the  DON'TS  in  this  here  food-conservation  cir- 
cular— and  also  in  the  interests  of  being  strictly 
economical,  y'understand — the  women  of  the 
country  should  learn  it  genwine  Southern  cook- 
ing, the  kind  they've  got  it  in  two-dollars-a-day 
American-plan  Southern  hotels,  Mawruss,  and  not 
only  would  people  eat  much  less  than  they  eat  at 
present,  but  the  chances  is  it  would  fix  some  people 
so  they  wouldn't  eat  at  all." 

49 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"Why  Southern  cooking?"  Morris  Perlmutter 
asked.  "For  that  matter,  two-dollar-a-day  Amer- 
ican-plan Eastern  cooking  wouldn't  make  you  eat 
yourself  red  in  the  face,  neither,  which  the  last 
time  I  was  in  New  Bedford  they  gave  me  for 
lunch  some  fried  schrod,  and  I  give  you  my  word, 
Abe,  I'd  as  lieve  eat  a  pair  of  feet-proof  socks, 
including  the  guarantee  and  the  price  ticket.  But 
that  ain't  neither  here  or  there,  Abe.  Nobody 
could  pin  medals  on  himself  for  being  a  small 
eater  in  a  hotel,  Abe,  aber  the  test  comes  when 
you  arrive  home  from  the  store  at  half  past  seven 
and  your  wife  sets  before  you  a  plate  of  gedampfte 
Kalbfleisch  which  if  a  chef  in  Delmonico's  would 
cook  such  a  thing  like  that,  Abe,  the  Ritz-Carlton 
would  pay  John  G.  Stanchfield  a  retainer  of  one 
hundred  thousand  dollars  to  advise  them  how  the 
fellow's  contract  could  be  broken  with  Delmonico's 
so  they  could  get  him  to  come  to  work  for  them. 
And  that's  why  I  am  telling  you,  Abe,  when  you 
get  such  a  plate  of  gedampfte  Kalbfleisch  in  front  of 
you,  which  the  steam  comes  up  from  it  like  roses, 
y 'understand,  and  when  you  put  a  piece  of  it  in 
your  mouth  it's  like — " 

"Say,  listen,"  Abe  protested,  "let  me  alone, 
will  you?  It's  only  eleven  o'clock,  and  I  couldn't 
go  out  to  lunch  for  another  hour  yet." 

"That  only  goes  to  show  what  for  a  stomach 
patriot  you  are,  Abe,"  Morris  commented.  "Even 
when  we  are  only  talking  about  food  you  couldn't 
restrain  yourself,  so  what  must  it  be  like  when 
you've  got  the  food  actually  on  the  table?  I  bet 

50 


"'So,' Mrs.  Hoover  says,  'you  had  one  of  them  sixty-cent  table- 
d'hote  lunches  to-day  again,  and  now  of  course  you  'ain't  got  no 
appetite.  How  many  times  did  I  tell  you  you  shouldn't  eat  that 


poison: 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

yer  you  don't  remember  that  such  a  feller  as 
Hoover  ever  existed  at  all,  let  alone  what  he  says 
about  eating  reasonable." 

"That's  all  right,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "Mr. 
Hoover  could  talk  that  way,  because  maybe  his 
wife  ain't  such  a  crank  about  her  cooking  like  my 
Rosie  is,  y'understand,  aber  if  Mr.  Hoover  would 
be  me,  Mawruss,  and  there  comes  on  the  table 
some  gestqffte  Miltz  which  Mrs.  Hoover  has  been 
breaking  her  back  standing  over  the  stove  all  the 
afternoon  seeing  that  it  don't  stick  to  the  bottom 
of  the  kettle,  y'understand,  and  Mr.  Hoover  takes 
only  a  couple  slices  of  it  on  account  of  the  war, 
y'understand,  what  is  going  to  happen  then? 

"So,'  Mrs.  Hoover  says,  'you  had  one  of  them 
sixty-cent  table-d'hote  lunches  to-day  again,  and 
now  of  course  you  'ain't  got  no  appetite.  How 
many  times  did  I  tell  you  you  shouldn't  eat  that 
poison?' 

' '  So  sure  as  I  am  sitting  here,  mommer,'  Hoover 
says,  'all  I  had  for  my  lunch  was  a  Swiss-cheese 
rye-bread  sandwich  and  a  cup  coffee.' 

'"Then  what's  the  matter  you  ain't  eating?' 
Mrs.  Hoover  says.  'Ain't  it  cooked  right?' 

' '  Certainly  it's  cooked  right,'  Hoover  says.  '  But 
two  pieces  is  a  plenty  on  account  of  the  war/ 

"On  account  of  the  war!  I  could  work  my 
fingers  to  the  bone  fixing  good  food  for  that  man, 
and  he  wouldn't  eat  it  on  account  of  the  war, 
sagt  er,'  says  Mrs.  Hoover. 

"But,  listen,  mommer — '  Hoover  tries  to  tell 
her. 

51 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"'  Never  mind,  any  excuse  is  better  than  none/ 
Mrs.  Hoover  says.  'Turns  up  his  nose  at  my 
cooking  yet!  Gestqffte  Miltz  ain't  good  enough 
for  him.  I  suppose  you  would  like  me  to  give 
you  every  day  roast  duck  on  twenty  dollars  a 
week  housekeeping  money.  Did  you  ever  hear 
the  like?  Couldn't  eat  gestqffte  Miltz  no  more, 
so  tony  he  gets  all  of  a  sudden !' 

"(Aber  mommer,  listen  to  me  for  a  moment,' 
Hoover  says,  but  it  ain't  a  bit  of  use  because  Mrs. 
Hoover  goes  into  the  bedroom  and  locks  the  door 
on  him,  and  by  the  time  he  has  got  her  to  be  on 
speaking  terms  again  he  has  violated  the  don't- 
eat-no-sugar  DON'T  to  the  extent  of  four  dollars 
and  fifty  cents  for  a  five-pound  box  of  mixed 
chocolates  and  bum-bums,  understand  me.  Also 
just  to  show  that  she  forgives  him  they  take  in 
a  show  mit  afterward  a  supper  in  which  Mr. 
Hoover  violates  not  only  all  the  other  DON'TS  in 
the  food-conservation  circulars,  but  also  makes 
himself  liable  to  go  to  jail  for  giving  a  couple  of 
dollars  to  a  German  head  waiter  under  the 
Trading  with  the  Enemy  law." 

"At  that,  the  way  some  of  our  best  hotels  con- 
servates  food  nowadays  is  setting  a  good  example 
to  the  women  of  the  country,"  Morris  declared. 

"What  do  you  mean — nowadays?"  Abe  re- 
torted. "They  always  conservated  food,  the 
only  difference  being,  Mawruss,  that  in  former 
times,  when  them  crooks  used  to  get  ten  portions 
of  chicken  a  la  King  out  of  a  two-pound  cold- 
storage  chicken  and  charged  you  a  dollar  and  a 

52 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

quarter  a  portion  for  it,  y 'understand,  they  was 
a  bunch  of  crooks — ain't  it? — whereas  nowadays 
when  them  crooks  get  eleven  portions  out  of  the 
same  chicken  and  charge  you  a  dollar  and  a  half  a 
portion  for  it,  y'understand,  they're  a  bunch  of 
patriots,  understand  me,  which  if  the  coal-dealer 
and  the  retail  grocer  and  butcher  would  short- 
weight  you  and  overcharge  you  the  way  some  of 
them  patriotic  New  York  hotel  proprietors  does, 
it  would  be  hard  to  find  many  patriots  in  New 
York  City  outside  of  Blackwells  Island  oder  the 
Tombs  prison." 

"And  yet,  Abe,  if  you  would  go  to  work  and 
figure  out  the  overhead  on  a  chicken  which  is 
used  for  eleven  portions  of  chicken  a  la  King," 
Morris  said,  "you  would  find  that  the  hotel- 
keeper  gets  his  profit  only  from  the  neck  which 
he  uses  for  chicken  consomme"." 

"Well,  say!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "A  profit  of  six 
cups  of  chicken  consomme"  at  forty  cents  a  cup 
ain't  to  be  sneezed  at,  neither,  and  even  then  you 
are  taking  the  hotel-keeper's  word  for  the  over- 
head, which  I  don't  care  if  a  feller  would  be  or- 
dinarily a  regular  George  Washington,  y'under- 
stand, and  wouldn't  even  lie  to  his  wife  about 
how  he  come  out  in  his  weekly  Saturday-night 
pinochle  game,  understand  me,  but  when  such  a 
feller  reckons  the  overhead  on  the  goods  he  manu- 
factures it  don't  make  no  difference  if  it  would  be 
locomotive  engines  or  pants,  in  addition  to  the 
legitimate  cost  of  every  one-twelfth  dozen  articles, 
he  figures  in  as  overhead  one-twelfth  of  his  tele- 

53 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

phone  number,  one-twelfth  of  the  year  he  was 
born,  one-twelfth  of  how  old  his  grandfather  olav 
hasholom  was  when  he  married  for  the  fourth 
time,  and  one-twelfth  of  every  other  number  he 
can  remember,  from  his  automobile  number  to 
his  street  number,  and  usually  such  a  crook  lives 
in  the  last  house  from  the  city  limits." 

"I  tell  yer,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "the  feller  which 
invented  poison  gas  was  some  Rosher,  and  the 
feller  which  invented  T.  M.  T.  also,  but  the  feller 
which  invented  the  overhead  is  in  a  class  by  himself 
just  behind  the  Kaiser.  I  don't  know  what  his 
name  is,  but  he  is  the  feller  what  fixed  things  so 
that  a  ten-cent  loaf  of  bread  has  not  only  got  into 
it  the  air-holes  which  is  caused  by  the  yeast,  but 
also  the  air-holes  which  is  caused  by  the  lawyer's 
bill  that  the  baking  company  paid  at  the  time 
they  issued  their  five-million-dollar  consolidated 
and  refunding  four-per-cent.  first-mortgage  bonds, 
y'understand,  and  there's  just  as  much  nourish- 
ment in  that  kind  of  air-hole  for  a  truck-driver's 
family  of  growing  children  as  there  is  in  any  other 
kind  of  air-hole." 

"Well,  the  bakers  'ain't  got  nothing  on  the 
farmers  when  it  comes  to  cost  bookkeeping, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "I  was  reading  where  the 
milk-raisers'  Verein  claims  the  price  of  feed  is  so 
high  that  they've  got  to  sell  milk  at  ten  cents  a 
quart  wholesale,  but  for  all  them  farmers  figure 
that  the  same  feed  goes  to  fatten  the  cow  for  the 
market,  Mawruss,  you  might  suppose  that  there 
was  a  big  institution  somewheres  up  state  called 

54 


the  Ezra  B.  Cornell  Home  for  Aged  and  Indignant 
Cows,  y'understand,  and  that  so  soon  as  a  cow 
gets  through  giving  milk,  y'understand,  instead  of 
slaughtering  it  the  farmer  takes  it  to  the  home 
in  his  automobile  and  contributes  five  dollars  a 
week  toward  its  support  until  it  dies  of  hardening 
of  the  arteries  at  the  age  of  eighty-two." 

"Take  it  from  me,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "them 
farmers  ain't  such  farmers  as  people  think  they 
are.  It's  going  to  be  so,  pretty  soon,  that  people 
will  be  paying  two  dollars  and  a  half  for  an 
orchestra  seat  and  pretty  near  break  then*  hearts 
while  the  poor  old  second-mortgage  shark  is  being 
turned  out  of  his  little  home  by  the  farmer." 

"And  on  the  opening  night,  Mawruss,  the  front 
rows  will  be  filled  with  milk  agents,"  Abe  said, 
"and  after  the  show  you  will  see  them  sitting 
around  Rector's  and  Churchill's  and  getting  ter- 
rible noisy  over  a  magnum  of  Sheffield  Farms 
nineteen  sixteen." 

"Of  course  nobody  is  going  to  be  the  worser 
for  making  a  joke  about  such  things,  Abe," 
Morris  interrupted,  "but  last  winter  when  these 
fellers  which  gets  off  mommerlogs  in  vaudveille 
shows  was  talking  about  somebody  being  im- 
mensely wealthy  on  account  his  breath  smelt  from 
onions,  y'understand,  there  wasn't  many  people 
raising  a  family  on  less  than  twenty-five  dollars  a 
week  whose  breath  smelt  from  onions  at  that." 

"Did  I  say  they  did?"  Abe  asked. 

"And  it  is  the  same  way  with  potatoes  and 

fruit,  not  to  say  fish  and  poultry  and  all  the  other 
5  55 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

foods  which  Mr.  Hoover  says  we  should  eat  in 
order  to  save  beef,  sugar,  and  flour  for  the  soldiers," 
Morris  continued.  'When  a  woman  buys  now- 
adays flounder  at  twenty-five  cents  a  pound,  she 
is  paying  ten  cents  for  fish  and  fifteen  cents  tow- 
ard the  fish-dealer's  wife's  diamonds  or  his  six- 
cylinder  automobile,  so  if  I  would  be  Mr.  Hoover, 
before  I  issued  bread  and  meat  cards  to  the  con- 
sumer I  would  hand  out  automobile  and  diamond 
cards  to  the  fish-dealer  and  the  vegetable-dealer 
and  maybe  it  would  help  to  stop  them  fellers  from 
loading  their  prices  with  what  it  costs  'em  to  keep 
up  their  expensive  habits." 

"A  fish-dealer  is  entitled  to  expensive  habits 
the  same  like  anybody  else,"  Abe  said,  "which  if 
Mr.  Hoover  stops  him  from  buying  his  wife  once 
in  a  while  diamonds,  sooner  or  later  Mr.  Hoover 
will  stop  him  from  buying  his  wife  furs  and  it 
will  work  down  right  along  the  line  till  Mr. 
Hoover  hits  the  garment  business,  Mawruss, 
which,  while  I  ain't  got  no  particular  sympathy 
for  a  fish-dealer,  y'understand,  his  money  is  just 
so  good  as  the  next  one's,  so  I  ask  you,  as  a  gar- 
ment-manufacturer, what  are  you  going  to  do 
about  it?" 

"Let  him  buy  Liberty  Bonds." 

"But  in  that  case,  how  many  Liberty  Bonds 
could  the  diamond  merchant,  the  automobile- 
manufacturer,  or  the  furrier  buy?" 

"Say,  looky  here,"  Morris  said,  "let  me  alone, 
will  you?  This  is  something  which  is  up  to 
Mr.  Hoover,  not  me." 

56 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"I  know  it  is,"  Abe  concluded,  "and  I've  got  a 
great  deal  of  sympathy  for  him,  too,  because 
before  Mr.  Hoover  gets  through  he  would  not 
only  make  a  bunch  of  enemies,  Mawruss,  but  he  is 
going  to  use  up  a  whole  lot  of  headache  medicine, 
and  don't  you  forget  it." 


VII 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  FOREIGN  AFFAIRS 

The  hopeless  part  of  it  is  that  there's  no  way  of  putting  a 
nation  of  ninety  million  people  in  a  lunatic  asylum, 
even  if  there  was  an  asylum  big  enough  to  hold  them, 
which  there  ain't. 

"  T  SEE  where  the  French  President  is  going  to 
-*•  lose  his  Prime  Minister  again,"  Abe  Potash 
said,  "  which  the  way  that  feller  is  always  changing 
Prime  Ministers,  Mawruss,  he  must  be  a  terrible 
hard  man  to  work  for." 

"Say,"  Morris  Perlmutter  replied,  "I've  got 
enough  to  think  about  keeping  track  of  what  hap- 
pens here  in  this  country  without  I  should  worry 
my  head  over  political  Meises  in  France." 

"Well,  you  are  the  same  like  a  whole  lot  of 
Americans,"  Abe  said,  "which  for  all  they  read 
about  what  is  going  on  over  in  Europe  the  Edison 
Manufacturing  Company  might  just  so  well  never 
have  invented  the  telegraph  at  all." 

"I  don't  got  to  read  it  with  such  a  statesman 
like  you  around  here,"  Morris  retorted,  "so  go 
ahead  and  tell  me:  what  did  the  French  Prime 
Minister  done  now  that  he  gets  fired  for  it?" 

58 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"That  only  goes  to  show  what  you  know  from 
Prime  Ministers!"  Abe  declared.  "A  Prime 
Minister  never  gets  fired,  Mawruss — he  resigns, 
and  while  I  admit  that  nine  times  out  of  ten  when 
the  French  President  has  had  a  Prime  Minister 
resign  on  him,  it's  probably  been  a  case  of  the 
stenographer  tipping  the  Prime  Minister  off  that 
before  the  boss  went  to  lunch  he  said,  'If  that 
grafter's  still  here  when  I  come  back  there'll  be 
another  Prime  Minister  going  around  on  crutches,' 
y 'understand,  yet  at  the  same  time  this  here  last 
Prime  Minister  has  been  right  on  the  job,  and  the 
French  President  has  been  quite  worried  for  fear 
he's  going  to  quit." 

"Well,  let  him  get  along  without  a  Prime  Minis- 
ter for  a  while,"  Morris  said.  "With  the  money 
the  French  people  is  spending  for  war  supplies  it 
won't  do  him  no  harm  to  cut  down  his  pay-roll, 
and,  besides,  what  does  he  want  a  Prime  Minister 
for,  anyway?  Has  President  Wilson  got  a  Prime 
Minister?  Them  people  come  over  here  a  couple 
of  months  ago  and  cashed  in  a  hard-luck  story  for 
a  matter  of  a  few  hundred  million  dollars,  y'under- 
stand,  and  like  a  lot  of  come-ons  that  we  are, 
understand  me,  it  never  even  occurred  to  us  but 
what  them  boys  was  living  right  up  close  to  the 
cushion." 

"How  much  do  you  think  a  Prime  Minister 
draws,  Mawruss — a  million  a  week?"  Abe  asked. 

"It  ain't  how  much  he  draws,"  Morris  said. 
"It's  the  idea  of  the  thing  which  I  don't  care  if 
he  only  gets  five  dollars  a  day  and  commissions, 

59 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Abe,  if  President  Wilson  would  got  a  Prime 
Minister  working  for  him  instead  of  attending  to 
the  business  himself,  which  is  what  President 
Wilson  gets  paid  for,  y'understand,  there's  many 
a  time  when  the  President  has  been  out  late  at  the 
theayter  or  when  he  is  feeling  under  the  weather, 
understand  me,  where  he  would  say:  'Why 
should  I  kill  myself  slaving  day  in,  day  out,  like 
a  slave,  y'understand.  What  have  I  got  a  Prime 
Minister  for,  anyway?'  And  that's  how  I  bet 
yer  the  French  President  has  passed  over  to  the 
Prime  Minister  a  whole  lot  of  important  stuff 
which  the  poor  nebich  was  bound  to  slip  up  on, 
because,  after  all,  a  Prime  Minister  is  only  a 
Prime  Minister." 

"Maybe  you're  right,"  Abe  admitted,  "but  at 
the  same  tune  there's  some  pretty  smart  Prime 
Ministers,  too,  which  you  take  this  here  Prime- 
Minister  Lord  George,  over  in  England,  and  that 
feller  practically  runs  the  country.  In  fact,  as  I 
understand  it,  King  George  leaves  the  entire 
management  to  him,  so  much  confidence  he's  got 
in  the  feller." 

"Perhaps  it's  because  this  here  Lord  George  and 
King  George  is  related  maybe,"  Morris  suggested. 

"I  don't  think  so,"  Abe  replied.  "The  names 
is  only  a  quincidence,  which  even  before  Lord 
George  was  ever  heard  of  at  all  the  Prime  Minister 
always  run  things  in  England  while  the  King  put 
in  his  whole  time  opening  charity  bazars  and 
laying  corner-stones.  First  and  last  I  suppose 
that  feller  has  laid  more  corner-stones  than  all 

60 


• 

''-'".'• 

'  ' 


'  -  • 

•  -''•       \  ~~'  J/^      l>'-\'' 
.    ;  •?  \ 


"Perhaps  it's  because  this  here  Lord  George  and  King  George 
is  related  maybe,"  Morris  suggested.  "I  don't  think  so,"  Abe 
replied.  "The  name  is  only  a  quincidence." 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  heads  of  all  the  fraternal  orders  in  the  United 
States  put  together,  and  if  there's  such  a  disease 
as  grand  master's  thumb,  like  smoker's  heart  and 
housemaid's  knee,  Mawruss,  I'll  bet  that  King 
George  has  got  it." 

"Well  an  English  king  can  afford  to  spend  his 
time  that  way,"  Morris  said,  "because  them 
English  Prime  Ministers  is  really  prime,  y'under- 
stand,  whereas  you  take  the  Prime  Ministers 
which  the  Czar  nebich,  the  King  of  Greece,  and 
even  the  King  of  Sweden  had  it,  and  instead  of 
them  Prime  Ministers  being  prime,  understand 
me,  they  ranged  all  the  way  from  sirloin  to  chuck, 
as  they  would  say  in  the  meat  business." 

"Some  of  the  English  Prime  Ministers  wasn't 
so  awful  prime,  neither,"  Abe  said.  "Take  the 
feller  which  was  holding  down  the  job  of  Prime 
Minister  around  July  fourth,  seventeen  seventy- 
six,  and  the  way  that  boy  let  half  a  continent  slip 
through  his  fingers  was  enough  to  make  King 
Schmooel  the  Second,  or  whatever  the  English 
king's  name  was  in  them  days,  swear  off  laying 
corner-stones  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  Also  the 
English  Prime  Minister  which  engineered  the 
real-estate  deal  where  Germany  got  ahold  of  the 
island  of  Heligoland  wasn't  what  Mr.  P.  B. 
Armour  would  call  first  cut  exactly,  which,  if 
England  would  now  own  Heligoland  instead  of 
Germany,  Mawruss,  such  a  serial  number  as 
U  Fifty-three  for  a  German  submarine  would 
never  have  been  heard  of.  They  would  have 
stopped  short  at  U  Two  or  U  Two  B." 

61 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Well,  anybody's  liable  to  get  stuck  in  a  swap 
with  vacant  lots,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and  the 
chances  is  the  poor  feller  figured  that  with  this 
here  Heligoland,  the  only  person  who  would  have 
the  nerve  to  call  such  real  estate  real  estate, 
y'understand,  would  be  a  real-estater  with  a 
first-class  imagination  when  the  tide  was  out." 

"That's  what  Germany  figured,  too,"  Abe  said, 
"and  the  consequence  is  she  went  to  work  and 
improved  them  vacant  lots  with  fortifications 
which  lay  so  low  in  the  water,  Mawruss,  that  from 
two  miles  out  at  sea  no  one  would  dream  of  such 
things — least  of  all  an  admiral." 

"So  how  could  you  blame  a  Prime  Minister  if  he 
didn't  suspect  what  Germany  was  up  to  when  she 
bought  that  sand-bank?"  Morris  asked. 

"Of  course  that  was  a  long  time  before  the  war, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "Nowadays  the  dumbest 
Prime  Minister  knows  enough  to  know  that  coming 
from  a  German  diplomat  a  simple  remark  like, 
*Good  morning,  ain't  it  an  elegant  weather  we  are 
having?'  is  subject  to  one  of  several  constructions, 
none  of  which  is  exactly  what  you  could  call 
kosher,  y'understand." 

"And  supposing  he  finds  such  a  remark  in  a 
letter  from  a  German  diplomat  to  the  Kaiser, 
Abe?"  Morris  asked.  "  What  does  it  mean  then?" 

"That  depends  on  where  it  is  written  from," 
Abe  said,  "which  if  the  Minister  of  Foreign 
Affairs  down  in  Paraguay  or  Peru  finds  out  that  a 
German  ambassador  has  written  home  to  the 
effect  that  he  is  feeling  quite  well  again  and 

62 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

hopes  this  letter  finds  you  the  same,  y'understand, 
the  Foreign  Minister  hustles  over  to  the  War 
Department  and  wants  to  know  if  they  are  going 
to  allow  him  to  be  insulted  in  that  way  by  a  dirty 
crook  like  that.  On  the  other  hand,  if  the  chief 
of  the  United  States  Secret  Service  gets  ahold  of  a 
letter  from  any  one  of  them  honorary  German 
diplomats  who  is  practically  holding  down  the  job 
of  Imperial  German  Consul  to  the  Bronx  while 
drawing  the  salary  of — we  would  say,  for  example 
— a  New  York  Supreme  Court  justice,  Mawruss, 
and  if  the  letter  says,  'Accept  my  best  wishes  for  a 
prosperous  and  happy  new  year  in  which  my 
wife  joins  and  remain,'  y'understand,  that  means 
the  copper  was  shipped  in  pasteboard  containers 
marked : 

PRUNES 

USE  NO  HOOKS." 

"The  German  Secret  Service  certainly  fixes  up 
some  wonderful  cipher  codes,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 
"Sometimes  as  much  as  two  hours  and  a  quarter 
passes  before  a  United  States  Secret  Service  man 
gets  the  right  dope  on  one  of  them  code  letters." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  most  tunes 
he  don't  have  no  more  trouble  over  it  than  the 
average  business  man  would  with  a  baseball 
column,  which  the  way  every  government  secret 
service  knows  every  other  government's  secret 
service's  secrets,  Mawruss,  it's  a  wonder  to  me 
that  they  don't  call  the  whole  thing  off  by  mutual 

63 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

consent,  because  the  only  difference  between  gov- 
ernment secret  services  is  that  some  secret  services 
is  louder  than  others.  Take,  for  instance,  the 
German  Secret  Service,  and  there  was  months 
and  months  when  this  here  Dr.  Heinrich  Albert, 
Captain  von  Papen  and  his  boy  Ed  got  as  much 
newspaper  publicity  as  one  of  them  rotten  shows 
which  received  such  a  good  notice  from  the 
cricket  of  the  Cloak  and  Suit  Gazette  that  the 
manager  thinks  it  may  have  a  chance,  y'under- 
stand.  Why,  there  wasn't  a  district  messenger- 
boy  which  couldn't  direct  you  to  number  Eleven 
Broadway,  where  that  secret  service  had  its  head 
offices,  and  I  would  be  very  much  surprised  if  they 
didn't  ship  their  bombs  from  number  Eleven 
Broadway,  to  the  steamboat  docks  in  covered 
automobile  delivery-wagons  with  signs  painted 
on  'em: 

Telephone  Battery  2222 

GERMAN  SECRET  SERVICE 

'WE   LEAD— OTHERS  FOLLOW 
11  Broadway 

Ask   about   our   Special  Service   plan 
for  furnishing  explosives  by  the  month 

AT  LOW   RATES." 

"At  the  same  time,  Abe,"  Morris  remarked, 
"the  Germans  make  things  pretty  secret  when  they 
want  to,  otherwise  how  could  the  Kaiser  have  kept 

64 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

that  mutiny  under  his  chest  for  over  a  couple  of 
months?" 

"And  you  could  take  it  from  me,  Mawruss,  . 
Abe  said,  "before  Michaelis  let  it  out  hi  the 
Reichstag,  he  might  just  so  well  have  stopped  in 
at  the  Lokal  Anzeiger  office  on  his  way  down- 
town and  inserted  a  couple  of  lines  or  so  under  the 
head  of  'Situations  Wanted  Males."1 

"Why,  I  thought  you  said  a  Prime  Minister 
never  gets  fired,"  Morris  said. 

"Prime  Ministers  is  one  thing  and  Chancellors 
another,  Mawruss,"  Abe  told  him. 

"Then  I  imagine  this  here  Michaelis  must  be 
putting  in  a  lot  of  time  nowadays  going  over  his 
contract  to  see  if  he's  got  any  come-back  against 
the  party  of  the  first  part  in  case  that  crook  fires 
him,"  Morris  said. 

"Well,  he  can  keep  on  looking  till  he  finds 
another  job,"  Abe  replied,  "because  the  Kaiser 
is  like  a  lot  of  other  highwaymen  in  the  cutting-up 
trade,  Mawruss.  To  them  fellers  the  first  and 
most  important  thing  about  a  contract  is  the  loop- 
holes, y'understand,  and  after  that's  fixed  they 
don't  care  what  goes  into  it,  which  you  take  that 
contract  of  Michaelis's  and  I  bet  yer  that  a 
police-court  lawyer  could  drive  an  armored  tank 
through  them  paragraphs  which  is  supposed  to 
hold  the  Kaiser,  y'understand,  whereas  if  Michaelis 
wanted  to  get  out  of  it,  Mawruss,  he  could  go  to 
work  and  hire  Messrs.  Hughes,  Brandeis,  Stanch- 
field,  Hughes  &  Stanchfield,  supposing  there  was 
Gott  soil  huten  such  a  firm  of  lawyers,  and  they 

65 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

wouldn't  be  able  to  find  so  much  as  a  comma  out 
of  place  for  him." 

"And  as  a  good  German,  Abe,  Michaelis  would 
be  awful  disappointed  if  they  did,"  Morris  said, 
"because  that's  the  way  the  Germans  feel  toward 
the  Kaiser.  He  robs  'em,  he  murders  'em,  and  he 
starves  their  wives  and  children  to  death,  just  so 
him  and  his  family  could  run  the  country,  and  them 
poor  Heinies  says  to  one  another:  'That's  the 
kind  of  a  kaiser  to  have!  A  big  strong  man 
which  he  don't  give  a  nickel  for  nobody!  He's  a 
wonder,  all  right,  and  if  we  didn't  have  a  feller 
like  that  at  the  head  of  the  country  I  don't  know 
how  we  would  be  able  to  stand  all  the  trouble  that 
cutthroat  and  his  crook  family  is  causing  us — 
Heaven  bless  them.' " 

"The  hopeless  part  of  it  is,"  Abe  commented, 
"  that  there's  no  way  of  putting  a  nation  of  ninety 
million  people  in  a  lunatic  asylum,  even  if  there 
was  an  asylum  big  enough  to  hold  them,  which 
there  ain't,  Mawruss." 

"And  as  much  as  you  sympathize  with  a  lunatic, 
you  can't  have  him  going  around  loose,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "so  what  are  we  going  to  do  about 
it?" 

"Well,  we're  trying  hard  to  shut  *em  up  in  Ger- 
many again,"  Abe  declared,  "and  after  we've  got 
them  there,  Mawruss,  I  am  willing  to  stand  my 
share  of  the  expense  that  the  war  should  go  on 
long  enough  to  give  them  lunatics  a  little  home 
treatment,  y'understand,  and  by  home  treatment, 
Mawruss,  I  mean  not  only  treating  the  lunatics 

66 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

themselves,  but  also  treating  their  homes,"  Abe 
continued,  growing  red  in  the  face  at  the  thought 
of  it,  "  which  I  only  hope  that  I  live  long  enough  to 
see  a  moving  picture  of  German  homes  the  same 
like  I  seen  moving  pictures  of  French  homes  and 
Belgian  homes,  and  if  that  don't  sweat  the  Kaiser- 
mania  out  of  their  systems  they  are  crazy  for 
keeps." 


vni 

POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  LORDNORTHCLIFFING 
VERSUS  COLONELHOUSING 

While  Lord  Northcliff  is  colonelhousing  over  here,  Colonel 
House  is  lordnorthcliffing  over  in  England,  and  the 
main  point  about  their  being  where  they  are  is  that  they 
ain't  where  the  people  are  which  sent  them  there. 

"'IK  7ELL,  I  see  where  President  Wilson  says 
V  V  that  women  should  have  the  right  to 
vote  the  same  like  shipping-clerks  and  bar- 
tenders, Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "which  it's  a  funny 
thing  to  me  the  way  some  people  claims  they 
never  could  see  that  two  and  two  make  four  till 
the  war  comes  along  and  gives  them  a  brand-new 
point  of  view." 

"At,>hat,  you've  got  to  give  President  Wilson 
credit  that  it  only  took  a  war  like  this  here  Euro- 
pean war  to  bring  him  to  his  senses,"  Morris 
Perlmutter  said,  "whereas  with  Eli  U.  Root, 
Abe,  it's  got  to  happen  yet  another  war  twice  as 
big  as  tmVone,  three  more  revolutions  in  Russland, 
and  a  couple  of  earthquakes  dock,  before  he  is  even 
going  to  say,  'Maybe  you're  right,  but  that's  my 
opinion  and  I  stick  to  it." 

68 


"In  a  way,  Mawruss,  Eli  U.  Root  ain't  as  un- 
reasonable as  he  looks,"  Abe  said.  "He  says  that 
if  the  women  gets  the  vote,  y'understand,  they 
would — " 

"Listen,  Abe,"  Morris  interrupted,  "I  don't 
want  to  hear  what  this  here  Root  has  got  to  say 
about  if  women  voted  in  America,  y'understand, 
because  over  four  million  women  does  vote  in 
America,  and  some  of  them  has  been  voting  for 
years  already,  and  when  it  comes  to  talking  about 
ifs,  Abe,  if  Eli  TJ.  Root  'ain't  noticed  that  four 
million  women  vote  in  this  country  where  Eli  U. 
Root  is  supposed  to  understand  the  language  as 
well  as  speak  it,  understand  me,  what  did  Mr.  Root 
notice  over  in  Russland,  where  he  neither  spoke 
Russian  nor  understood  it,  neither?" 

"Don't  kid  yourself,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 
"That  feller  knows  just  so  good  as  you  do  that 
there's  four  million  women  voting  in  America; 
also  he  knows  that  the  women  of  Colorado,  where 
women  vote,  don't  act  no  different  from  the 
women  of  Pennsylvania,  where  women  don't  vote, 
but  that's  an  argument  in  favor  of  women  voting, 
whereas  Root  is  arguing  against  it." 

"That  ain't  an  argument,"  Morris  protested; 
"it's  a  fact." 

Abe  shrugged  his  shoulders  despairingly. 

"What  does  a  first-class  A-number-one  lawyer 
like  Root  care  about  facts  if  they  ain't  in  his 
favor?"  he  asked.  "Also,  Mawruss,  if  Mr.  Root 
now  comes  out  in  favor  of  women  voting,  y'under- 
stand, that  would  be  a  case  of  changing  his  mind, 

69 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

and  you  know  as  well  as  I  do,  Mawruss,  the  real 
brainy  fellers  of  the  world  never  changes  their 
mind/' 

"Not  even  when  the  facts  is  against  them?" 
Morris  asked. 

"They  don't  pay  no  attention  to  the  facts," 
Abe  said.  "You  take  this  here  Morris  Hillkowitz 
or  Hillquit  which  he  is  running  for  mayor  of  New 
York  on  the  Socialistic  ticket,  and  for  years  already 
that  feller  went  around  saying  that  it  was  the 
people  which  lived  in  the  two-thousand-a-year 
apartments  and  owned  expensive  automobiles 
which  was  squashing  the  protelariat,  y'understand, 
and  now  when  it  comes  out  in  the  papers  that  he  is 
living  in  a  thousand-dollar-a-year  apartment  and 
running  an  expensive  automobile,  Mawruss,  does 
he  turn  around  and  say  that  it's  all  a  mistake  and 
that  in  reality  it's  the  protelariat  which  is  squash- 
ing the  feller  with  the  two-thousand-dollar-a-year 
apartment  and  expensive  automobile?  Oser  a 
Stuck!" 

"Well,  it  only  goes  to  show  that  a  feller  can 
even  make  money  by  being  a  Socialist  if  he  only 
sticks  to  it  long  enough,"  Morris  said. 

"At  that,  he's  probably  got  more  sympathy  mit 
the  protelariat  than  he  ever  did,  Mawruss,  be- 
cause before  he  owned  an  automobile  he  only 
suspected  what  them  fellers  was  missing  by  being 
poor.  Now  he  knows." 

"And  I  suppose  by  the  time  he  is  running  for 
President  on  the  Socialistic  ticket,"  Morris  said, 
"he'll  be  owning  a  steam-yacht  and  the  wrongs  of 

70 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  working  classes  will  be  pretty  near  breaking 
his  heart." 

"Even  so,  Mawruss,  he  won't  be  changing  his 
mind,  and  I  don't  know  but  what  he'll  be  acting 
wise,  too,"  Abe  said,  "because  when  a  politician 
gets  a  reputation  for  carrying  a  certain  line  of 
stable  opinions  his  customers  naturally  expects 
that  he  is  going  to  continue  to  carry  'em,  and 
when  he  drops  that  line  and  lays  in  a  stock  of  new 
stuff  in  the  way  of  political  ideas,  y'understand, 
his  customers  leave  him  and  he's  got  to  build  up 
his  trade  over  again;  and  that's  no  way  for  a  feller 
to  get  into  the  steam-yacht  class — I  don't  care  if 
he  would  be  a  politician  or  a  garment-manu- 
facturer." 

"Well,  of  course,  if  a  feller's  opinions  is  his 
living,  you  couldn't  blame  him  for  not  changing 
'em,"  Morris  said,  "aber  this  here  Root  is  already 
retired  from  business,  and  the  chances  is  that, 
the  way  he's  got  his  money  invested,  it  wouldn't 
make  no  difference  how  liberal-minded  he  was,  the 
corporations  would  have  to  pay  the  coupons, 
anyway." 

"I  know  they  would,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  you 
take  some  of  these  Senators  and  Congressmen 
which  they  started  out  before  we  was  at  war 
with  Germany  to  show  an  attractive  line  of  pro- 
German  ideas — that  is  to  say,  attractive  to  their 
regular  customers  out  in  Wisconsin  and  Saint 
Louis,  understand  me,  and  people  don't  figure  that 
them  poor  fellers  has  got  mortgages  falling  due  on 

'em  next  year  and  boys  to  put  through  college. 
6  71 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

For  all  people  knows,  Mawruss,  this  here  McLemon 
which  used  to  make  a  speciality  of  speeches  warn- 
ing Americans  off  of  ocean  steamships  was  sup- 
porting half  his  wife's  family  and  widowed  sister 
that  way.  The  chances  is  that  he  sees  now  what 
a  rotten  line  of  argument  that  was,  and  he  would 
like  to  switch  over  and  display  some  snappy 
nineteen  -  seventeen  -  model  speeches  about  the 
freedom  of  the  seas  for  American  sitsons,  under- 
stand me,  but  you  know  yourself  how  it  is  when 
your  wife  has  got  a  large  family,  Mawruss:  if 
one  of  her  sisters  ain't  having  an  emergency 
operation  on  you,  it's  a  case  of  doing  something 
quick  to  keep  her  youngest  brother  out  of  jail, 
and  either  way  you  are  stuck  a  couple  of  hundred 
dollars,  so  you  couldn't  blame  a  Congressman 
who  refuses  to  change  his  mind  and  risk  losing 
his  territory,  even  if  all  the  rest  of  the  country 
is  calling  him  a  regular  Benedectine  Arnold, 
y'understand." 

"Well,  sooner  or  later  some  of  these  big  Machers 
has  got  to  change  their  minds,  otherwise  the  war 
will  never  be  over,"  Morris  said.  "The  Kaiser 
has  said  over  and  over  again  that,  once  having  put 
on  her  shiny  armor,  y'understand,  the  Fatherland 
would  never  let  the  sword  out  of  its  hand  till 
England  was  finally  crushed  and  Gott  mit  uns,  and 
Ix)rd  George  and  Lord  Northcliff  has  said  the 
same  thing  about  Germany  excepting  Gott  mit  uns. 
Also  France  in  this  great  hour  would  never  lay 
down  the  sword,  and  we  would  never  lay  down  the 
sword.  Furthermore  to  hear  Austria  talk,  and 

72 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Kerensky,  Venizelos,  and  the  King  of  Rumania, 
there  would  be  such  a  continuous  demand  for 
swords  that  it  would  pay  Charles  N.  Schwab  and 
this  here  Judge  Gary  to  organize  the  Consolidated 
Sword  Company  or  the  United  States  Sword 
Corporation  with  a  plant  covering  sixteen  acres 
and  an  issue  of  one  hundred  million  dollars  pre- 
ferred stock  and  two  hundred  and  fifty  million 
dollars  common  stock  and  let  the  cannon  and 
torpedo  business  go." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  when  the 
Kaiser  says  that  Germany  would  never  stop 
fighting  till  her  enemies  is  in  the  dust,  speaking 
of  Germany  as  a  she-Fatherland,  or  till  its  enemies 
is  in  the  dust,  speaking  of  Germany  as  an  it- 
Fatherland,  Mawruss,  if  you  was  a  mind-reader, 
Mawruss,  you  would  see  'way  back  in  the  rear  of 
his  brain  one  of  them  railroad  time-table  signs: 
(GG)  Will  stop  daily  after  January  first,  nineteen- 
nineteen" 

"I  hope  you  are  right,  Abe,"  Morris  commented, 
"but  I  see  where  this  here  Lord  Northcliff  says 
that  the  war  is  really  just  beginning,  and  so  far 
as  I  can  discover  that  goes  without  foot-notes  or 
notices  that  care  is  taken  to  have  same  correct, 
but  the  company  will  not  be  responsible  for  delays 
or  for  errors  in  the  printing,  y'understand." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  said,  "I  don't  know 
nothing  about  this  here  Lord  Northcliff.  I  admit 
also  that  I  don't  know  what  his  standing  as  a  lord 
is  or  when  he  joined.  In  fact,  I  don't  even  know 
what  a  lord  has  to  pay  for  initiation  fees  and 

73 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

annual  dues,  let  alone  what  sick  benefit  he  draws 
and  what  they  pay  to  the  widow  in  case  a  lord 
dies,  understand  me,  but  I  don't  care  if  this  here 
Northcliff,  instead  of  a  lord,  was  an  Elk  or  an  Odd 
Fellow,  y'understand,  he  can't  tell  when  this  war 
is  going  to  end  no  more  than  I  can." 

"But  I  understand  this  here  Northcliff  is  an 
awful  smart  feller,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "He  owns 
already  a  couple  dozen  newspapers  in  the  old 
country,  and  if  he  wouldn't  have  the  right  dope 
on  this  here  war,  I  don't  know  who  would." 

"Say!"  Abe  protested.  "Nobody  could  get  the 
right  dope  about  this  war  out  of  any  newspaper, 
even  if  he  owned  it,  Mawruss,  because  you  know 
as  well  as  I  do,  Mawruss,  if  the  City  Edition  says 
the  Germans  is  starving,  y'understand,  and 
couldn't  last  through  the  winter,  understand  me, 
that  ain't  no  guarantee  that  they  wouldn't  be 
getting  plenty  of  food  in  the  Home  Edition  and 
starving  again  in  the  Five-star  Final  Sporting  Extra 
with  Complete  Wall  Street,  Mawruss,  so  the  way 
I  figure  it  is  that  this  here  Northcliff  has  got  the 
idea  that  if  he  tells  us  the  war  is  only  beginning 
we  are  going  to  brace  up,  and  if  he  says  the 
chances  is  the  war  would  last  twenty  years  yet 
and  that  half  the  world  would  be  down  and  out 
with  starvation  and  sickness  before  it  is  finished 
up,  y'understand,  we  are  going  to  say:  'This  is 
great.  We  must  get  in  on  this/" 

"Maybe  that's  the  way  they  get  results  in  the 
newspaper  business,  Abe,"  Morris  remarked,  "but 
in  the  garment  business,  if  I  am  trying  to  turn  out 

74 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

a  big  order,  y'understand,  I  tell  the  operators  that 
the  quicker  they  get  through  the  sooner  they  will 
be  finished,  y'understand,  and  I  make  a  point  of 
saying  that  they  are  practically  on  the  home 
stretcher  even  if  they  are  just  beginning." 

"That  ain't  such  a  bad  plan,  neither,"  Abe 
admitted,  "but  there  should  ought  to  be  some 
way  to  strike  an  average  between  your  ideas  for 
hurrying  up  and  this  y  ou -would -be -all- right  - 
if-blood-poisoning-don't-set-in  encouragement  of 
Lord  NorthclifFs,  Mawruss,  so  that  we  wouldn't 
think  we'd  got  too  easy  a  job,  but  at  the  same 
time  we  wouldn't  feel  like  throwing  away  the 
sponge,  neither." 

"I  think  he  means  well,  anyhow*9  Morris  said, 
"which  he  is  trying  to  tell  us  that  we  shouldn't 
think  we've  got  such  a  cinch  as  all  that;  because 
you  know  it  used  to  was  before  this  war  started, 
Abe.  Every  once  in  a  while  at  a  lodge  meeting 
some  Grand  Army  man,  who  was  also,  we  would 
say,  for  example,  in  the  pants  business,  would 
get  up  and  make  a  speech  that  if  this  great  and 
glorious  land  of  ours  was  to  be  threatened  with  an 
invasion  by  any  foreign  king  or  potentate,  y'un- 
derstand, an  army  of  a  million  soldiers  would 
spring  up  overnight,  and  all  his  lodge  brothers 
would  say  ain't  it  wonderful  how  an  old  man 
like  that  stays  as  bright  as  a  dollar,  y'understand. 
But,  just  let  the  same  feller  get  up  and  make  a 
speech  that  if  the  pants  business  was  to  be 
threatened  with  a  strike  by  any  foreign  or  domestic 
walking-delegate,  understand  me,  an  army  of  a 

75 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

million  pants-operators  would  spring  up  over- 
night, y'understand,  and  before  he  had  a  chance 
to  sit  down  even  them  same  lodge  brothers  would 
have  rung  for  a  Bellevue  ambulance  and  passed 
resolutions  of  sympathy  for  his  family.  And  yet, 
Abe,  a  learner  on  pants  becomes  an  expert  in  six 
days,  whereas  it  takes  six  months  at  the  very  least 
to  train  a  soldier." 

"That's  why  Lord  Northcliff  is  making  all  them 
discouraging  speeches,"  Abe  said.  "He's  a  busi- 
ness man,  Mawruss,  and  he  appreciates  that  we 
are  up  against  a  tough  business  proposition." 

"But  what  I  don't  understand  is:  where  does 
Lord  Northcliff  come  in  to  be  neglecting  his  news- 
papers the  way  he  does?"  Morris  said.  "Is  he 
an  ambassador  or  something?" 

"Well,  for  that  matter,"  Abe  retorted,  "where 
does  Colonel  House  come  in  to  be  neglecting  the 
cloth-sponging  business  or  whatever  business  the 
Colonel  is  in?  It's  a  stand-off,  Mawruss.  While 
Lord  Northcliff  is  colonelhousing  over  here, 
Colonel  House  is  lordnorthcliffing  over  in  Eng- 
land, and  just  exactly  what  that  is,  Mawruss,  I 
don't  know,  but  I  got  a  strong  suspicion  that  the 
main  point  about  their  being  where  they  are  is 
that  they  ain't  where  the  people  are  which  sent 
them  there,  if  you  understand  what  I  mean." 

"And  I  bet  they  both  feel  flattered  at  that," 
Morris  concluded. 


IX 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  NATIONAL  MUSIC 
AND  NATIONAL  CURRENCY 

Some  people  wouldn't  care  what  they  said,  just  so  long  as 
they  could  give  the  impression  that  they  was  regular 
sharks  when  it  come  to  music,  but  what  kind  of  impression 
they  gave  when  it  come  to  patriotism  and  common  sense, 
such  people  don't  give  a  nickel. 

"  TT  seems  that  this  here  Doctor  Muck  wouldn't 

•*•  play  the  national  anthem,  Mawruss,  because 

he  found  it  was  inartistic,"  Abe  Potash  said  as 

he  turned  to  the  editorial  page  of  his  daily  paper. 

"Well,  how  did  he  find  the  national  currency, 
Abe?"  Morris  Perlmutter  inquired.  "Also  in- 
artistic?" 

"He  didn't  say,"  Abe  replied.  "But  a  state- 
ment was  given  out  by  Major  Higginson  that — ' 

"Who's  Major  Higginson?"  Morris  asked. 

"He's  the  feller  that  owns  the  Boston  Symphony 
Orchestra  which  this  here  Doctor  Muck  is  the 
conductor  of  it,"  Abe  replied. 

"That  must  be  an  elegant  orchestra,  Abe," 
Morris  commented.  "A  major  is  running  it  and 
a  doctor  is  conducting  it.  I  suppose  they've  got 

77 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

working  for  them  as  fiddlers  a  lot  of  attorneys  and 
counselors  at  law,  and  the  chances  is  that  if  a 
feller  was  to  come  there  looking  for  a  job  operating 
a  trombone  on  account  he  had  had  experience  as  a 
practical  tromboner  with  the  New  York  Phil- 
harmonics, y'understand,  they  would  probably 
turn  him  down  unless  he  could  show  a  diploma 
from  a  recognized  school  of  pharmacy." 

"For  all  I  know,  they  might  insist  on  having  a 
certified  public  accountant,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"but  he  would  have  to  be  a  shark  on  the  trombone, 
anyway,  because  I  understand  this  here  Doctor 
Muck  and  Major  Higginson  run  a  high-class 
orchestra." 

"Well,  it  only  goes  to  show  that  you  don't  got 
to  got  a  whole  lot  of  common  sense  to  run  a  high- 
grade  orchestra,  Abe,"  Morris  retorted,  "which 
if  I  would  be  a  German  doctor  stranded  in  Boston, 
y'understand,  and  I  had  to  Gott  soil  huten  conduct 
an  orchestra  for  a  living,  I  would  consider  to  my- 
self that  there  ain't  many  Americans  in  or  out  of 
the  medical  profession  conducting  orchestras  over 
in  Germany  just  now  which  is  refusing  to  play 
'Die  Wacht  am  Rheiri*  or  'Heil  im  der  Siegerkranz9 
on  artistic  grounds  and  getting  away  with  it. 
Furthermore,  Abe,  Doctor  Muck  should  ought  to 
figure  that  no  matter  if  he  was  running  the  highest- 
grade  orchestra  in  existence  or  anyhow  in  the  state 
of  Massachusetts,  y'understand,  and  if  nobody 
pays  for  a  ticket  to  hear  it,  what  is  it?  Am  I 
right  or  wrong?" 

"He  probably  thought  there  was  enough  Amer- 

78 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

icans  crazy  about  music  to  make  his  orchestra 
pay  even  if  he  did  insult  them,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "because  you  know  as  well  as  I  do,  Mawruss, 
there  was  a  lot  of  sympathy  shown  by  Americans 
to  them  German  singers  which  got  fired  at  the 
Metropolitan  Opera  House  for  insulting  Amer- 
icans or  being  pro-German.  It  seems  that  one 
of  them  made  up  a  funny  song  about  the  sinking 
of  the  Lusitania,  and  some  of  the  Americans  which 
heard  him  sing  it  said  that  the  tone  production 
was  wonderful,  and  that  such  a  really  remarkable 
breath  control,  y'understand,  they  hadn't  heard 
it  since  Adelina  Patti  in  her  palmiest  days,  and 
I  bet  yer  if  Doctor  Muck  was  to  take  that  song 
and  set  it  to  music  so  as  the  Boston  Symphony 
Orchestra  could  play  it  them  same  people  and 
plenty  like  them  would  say  that  the  wood  wind 
was  this,  the  strings  was  that,  and  something 
about  the  coda  and  the  obbligato,  y'understand. 
In  fact,  Mawruss,  they  wouldn't  care  what  they 
said,  just  so  long  as  they  could  give  the  impression 
that  they  was  regular  sharks  when  it  come  to 
music,  but  what  kind  of  impression  they  gave 
when  it  come  to  patriotism  and  common  sense, 
such  people  seemingly  don't  give  a  nickel. 

"Why,  you  take  this  here  lady  singer  at  the 
Metropolitan  Opera  House,"  Abe  continued, 
"which  her  husband  was  agent  for  the  Krupp 
Manufacturing  Company,  and  when  she  got  fired, 
y'understand,  it  looked  like  some  of  these  here 
breath-control  and  tone-production  experts  was 
going  to  hold  a  meeting  and  regularly  move  and 

79 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

second  that  a  copy  of  the  said  resolutions  suitably 
engrossed  be  transmitted  to  her,  care  of  Krupp 
Manufacturing  Company,  Twenty  forty -two,  four, 
six,  and  eight  Buelow  Boulevard,  Essen,  on 
account  she  had  been  working  for  the  Metropoli- 
tan Opera  House  for  pretty  near  twenty  years, 
which  the  way  some  of  them  singers  goes  on 
singing  year  after  year  at  the  Metropolitan  Opera 
House,  Mawruss,  sometimes  you  couldn't  tell 
whether  the  Metropolitan  Opera  House  was  an 
opera-house  or  a  home,  y'understand." 

"That's  neither  here  nor  there,  Abe,"  Morris 
said.  "There  ain't  no  reason  to  my  mind  why 
the  Metropolitan  Opera  House  shouldn't  ought 
to  hire  ladies  whose  husbands  is  working  for 
American  concerns  or  is  out  of  a  job,  y'under- 
stand, and  also  it  wouldn't  be  a  bad  idea  to  see 
that  some  of  them  barytones  and  bassos  which 
was  formerly  sending  home  every  week  from  two 
to  five  hundred  dollars  apiece  to  the  old  folks  in 
Charlottenburg  and  Wilmersdorf,  y'understand, 
give  up  their  places  to  a  few  native-born  fellers 
who  contributed  to  the  first  and  second  Liberty 
Loans,  understand  me,  and  ain't  supporting  a 
relation  in  the  world." 

"But  the  point  which  them  coda  and  obbligato 
fans  make  is  that  if  a  feller  like  this  here  Captain 
Kreisler  of  the  Austrian  army  is  the  best  fiddler 
in  existence,  y'understand,  it's  up  to  us  Americans 
to  pay  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  a  throw,  not 
including  war  tax,  to  hear  him  fiddle,  and  that 
we  shouldn't  ought  to  got  no  Rishus  against  him 

80 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

even  if  he  would  be  only  over  here  on  a  leave  of 
absence  dating  from  January  first,  nineteen 
fifteen,  up  to  and  including  seven  hundred  and 
fifty  thousand  dollars,"  Abe  said,  "because  it  is 
claimed  that  the  best  fiddlers  in  the  world  and  the 
best  conductors  in  the  world  don't  belong  to  any 
country.  They  are  international." 

"Maybe  they  are,  Abe,"  Morris  agreed,  "but 
the  money  which  they  earn  belongs  to  the  country 
in  which  they  spend  it,  understand  me,  which  my 
idea  is  that  these  are  war-times,  and  if  the  or- 
dinary people  is  willing  to  take  their  wheat  bread 
with  a  little  potato  flour  in  it,  them  big-league 
music  fans  should  ought  to  be  willing  to  take 
their  fiddle-playing  with  a  few  sour  notes  in  it, 
so  if  the  best  fiddler  in  the  world  is  an  Austrian 
who  spends  his  money  at  home,  y'understand,  they 
should  ought  to  be  contented  with  the  next  best 
one,  and  if  he  is  also  an  Austrian  or  a  German 
let  them  work  on  right  straight  down  the  line  till 
they  find  one  who  ain't,  because  trading  with  the 
enemy  is  trading  with  the  enemy,  whether  you  are 
trading  with  a  German  fiddler  or  a  German  fish- 
dealer,  and  if  you  are  going  to  hand  over  money 
to  Germany  it  don't  make  much  difference  if  you 
do  it  in  the  name  of  art  or  in  the  name  of  fish." 

"Well,  you  couldn't  exactly  feel  the  same  way 
about  an  artist  with  his  art  as  you  could  about  a 
fish-dealer  with  his  fish,"  Abe  protested. 

"I  didn't  say  you  could,"  Morris  said.  "I've 
got  every  respect  for  this  here  Kreisler  as  a  feller 
which  plays  something  elegant  on  the  fiddle,  but 

81 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

at  the  same  time  he  has  had  himself  extensively 
advertised  with  pictures  the  same  like  King  C. 
Gillette  and  William  L.  Douglas,  and  that's  prob- 
ably what  made  him,  Abe,  because  it's  pretty  safe 
to  say  that  if  you  could  by  any  possibility  induce 
and  persuade  them  people  which  is  hollering  about 
art  being  international  and  Kreisler  being  the  best 
fiddler  in  existence,  y'understand,  to  go  and  hear 
Kreisler  at  a  concert  where  under  the  name  of 
Harris  Fine  and  wearing  false  whiskers  he  was 
playing  a  program  consisting  principally  of  Rabino- 
witz's  Concerto  in  G,  Opus  number  Two  fifty- 
six  B,  y'understand,  they  would  come  away  saying 
it  was  awful  rotten  even  for  an  amateur  and  that 
you  should  ought  to  hear  Kreisler  play  Rabino- 
witz's  Concerto  in  G,  Opus  number  Two  fifty-six 
B,  and  then  you  would  know  how  that  feller  Harris 
Fine  murdered  it.  So  that's  why  I  say,  Abe,  that 
advertised  art  comes  under  the  head  of  merchan- 
dise, and  I  ain't  so  sure  that  the  artist  who  adver- 
tises ain't  just  as  much  of  a  business  man  as  we 
would  say,  for  example,  a  fish-dealer/* 

"Well,  there's  one  thing  about  this  here  trouble 
with  the  Boston  Symphony  Orchestra,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said:  "it  has  put  Boston  on  the  map  for  a 
few  days,  which  the  way  New  York  people  is  act- 
ing about  electing  a  mayor  in  New  York  City, 
y'understand,  you  would  think  that  New  York, 
England,  France,  and  Italy  was  fighting  Germany 
and  Austria,  and  that  if  the  mayor  of  New  York 
said  so,  the  war  would  go  on  or  stop,  as  the  case 
might  be,  and  otherwise  not." 

82 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"You  couldn't  blame  New  York  at  that,"  Mor- 
ris said.  "People  out  in  Seattle  which  has  never 
been  no  nearer  New  York  as  Fall  City,  Wash.,  or 
Snoqualmie,  goes  round  signing  'Take  Me  Back 
to  New  York  Town'  oder  'Give  My  Regards  to 
Broadway,'  and  young  ladies  living  in  Saint  Louis, 
which  is  a  good-sized  city,  y'understand,  reads  in 
a  magazine  printed  in  Chicago — also  a  good- 
sized  city — story  after  story  which  has  got  to 
do  with  a  wealthy  New  York  clubman,  or  a  poor 
New  York  working-girl,  or  a  beautiful  New  York 
actress,  while  the  advertising  section  has  got  pict- 
ures by  the  hundreds  of  automobiles,  ready-made 
clothing,  vacuum  cleaners,  beds  and  bedding, 
health  underwear,  and  cash-registers,  and  all  of 
them  are  fixed  up  with  the  Grand  Central  Depot 
across  the  street  or  the  Public  Library  showing 
through  a  window  or,  anyhow,  the  Flatiron  Build- 
ing and  Madison  Square  Garden  not  half  a  column 
away,  y'understand.  Also  there  is  a  New  York 
store  in  every  village  and  a  New  York  letter  in 
every  newspaper,  and  one  way  or  another  you 
would  think  that  the  whole  United  States  was 
trying  to  prove  to  New  York  that  it  was  as  im- 
portant as  New  York  has  for  a  long  time  already 
suspected." 

"Well,  ain't  it?"  Abe  asked. 

"It  couldn't  be,"  Morris  replied.  "Take,  for 
instance,  this  here  election  for  mayor,  and  the 
way  the  New  York  papers  talked  about  it  you 
would  think  the  Kaiser  says  to  Hindenberg: 
*  Listen,  Max,  don't  ship  no  more  soldiers  no- 

83 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

wheres  till  we  hear  how  things  are  breaking  for 
Hillkowitz  in  New  York/  or  maybe  he  said 
Mitchel  or  Hylan — you  couldn't  tell,  and  Hin- 
denberg  says,  'But  I  understand  Mitchel  is  pretty 
strong  up  in  the  Twenty-third  Assembly  District 
in  certain  parts  of  the  Bronix,  so  I  think,  Chief,  it 
might  be  a  good  idea  to  have  a  couple  of  dozen 
divisions  of  artillery  sent  to  Dvinsk  and  Riga.' 
But  the  Kaiser  says:  'Now  do  as  I  tell  you,  Max. 
I  got  a  wireless  from  Mexico  that  Hillkowitz  will 
carry  three  hundred  and  nine  out  of  four  hundred 
and  thirteen  election  districts  in  the  Borough  of 
Richmond  alone.'  And  Hindenberg  says:  'Where 
did  they  get  that  dope?  I  tell  you  they  don't  know 
nothing  but  Hylan  down  on  Staten  Island,  and  if 
you  take  my  advice,  Chief,  you'll  'phone  Luden- 
dorff  to  hold  the  Siegfried  line,  the  Lohengrin  line, 
the  Trovatore  line,  the  Travvyayter  line,  the 
Bohemian  Girl  line,  and  all  the  other  lines  from 
Aida  to  Zampa,  because  in  my  opinion  Mitchel 
has  a  walk-over."3 

"That's  where  they  both  made  a  mistake," 
Abe  commented,  "because  it  was  a  landslide  for 
Hylan." 

"Fow?  they  was  mistaken,"  Morris  said.  "Do 
you  suppose  for  one  moment  that  the  Kaiser  had 
got  so  much  as  an  inkling  that  they  were  going 
to  elect  a  mayor  in  New  York?  Oser!  And  with 
this  here  Hindenberg,  you  could  tell  from  the 
feller's  face  that  for  all  he  understands  about  the 
English  language,  Abe,  the  word  mayor  don't 
exist  at  all.  As  for  the  way  they  choose  a  mayor 

84 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

in  America,  that  grobe  Kerl  couldn't  tell  you 
whether  they  elect  a  mayor,  appoint  a  mayor,  or 
cut  for  a  mayor — aces  low.  And  that's  the  way 
it  goes  in  New  York,  Abe.  They  think  that  the 
whole  of  Europe  is  watching  with  palpitations  of 
the  heart  to  see  who  is  going  to  be  elected  mayor 
of  New  York,  and  they  never  stop  to  figure  that 
there  ain't  six  persons  out  of  the  six  millions  in 
New  York  which  could  tell  you  the  name  of  the 
mayor  of  London,  Paris,  Berlin,  Vienna,  St. 
Petersburg,  or,  for  that  matter,  Yonkers  or  Jersey 
City." 

'"From  the  mayor  which  they  finally  chose  in 
New  York,  Mawruss,"  Abe  commented,  "a  feller 
needn't  got  to  be  so  terribly  ignorant  as  all  that  to 
suppose  that  not  only  did  the  people  of  New  York, 
instead  of  voting  for  mayor,  cut  for  him,  aces  low, 
y'understand,  but  that  they  also  turned  up  the 
ace." 

"They  turned  up  what  they  wanted  to  turn  up, 
Abe,"  Morris  said,  "which  the  way  the  people  of 
New  York  City  elects  Tammany  Hall  every  few 
years,  Abe,  it  makes  you  think  that  everybody 
should  have  a  vote,  except  convicts,  idiots,  minors, 
Indians  not  taxed,  and  people  that  live  in  New 
York  City." 


X 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  REVOLUTIONIZING 
THE   REVOLUTION   BUSINESS 

If  Kerensky  would  have  had  experience  as  a  traveling  sales- 
man it  wouldn't  hurt  him  to  be  spending  his  entire  time 
commuting  between  Moscow  and  Petersburg. 


""IK/HAT  they  want  to  do  in  Russland,"  Abe 
»  V     Potash    declared,    one   morning    in    No- 
vember, "is  to  have  one  last  revolution,  and  stick 
to  it." 

"It  ain't  Russia  which  is  having  them  revolu- 
tions," Morris  Perlmutter  observed.  "It's  the 
Russian  revolutionists.  Them  boys  have  been 
standing  around  doing  nothing  for  years,  Abe,  in 
fact  ever  since  nineteen  five,  and  now  that  they 
got  a  job  they  figure  that  why  should  they  finish 
it  up,  because  revolutionists'  work  is  piece-work, 
and  just  so  soon  as  a  revolution  is  over,  as  a 
general  thing,  the  revolutionists  gets  laid  off  —  up 
against  a  wall  at  sunrise." 

"Well,  them  boys  is  certainly  nursing  their  job 
this  time,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued.  "The  way 
them  fellers  is  acting  up  over  there  it  wouldn't 
surprise  me  a  bit  if  most  of  the  Russian  merchants 

86 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

would  move  to  Mexico,  so  as  they  could  carry  on 
their  business  in  peace  and  quietness,  y'under- 
stand.  What  the  idea  of  all  these  here  revolutions 
is  I  don't  know.  They've  got  the  Czar  living  in  a 
cold-water  walk-up,  and  you  could  go  the  length 
and  breadth  of  Russia  with  a  ballet-dancer  as  a 
decoy  without  running  across  so  much  as  one 
grand  duke  peeking  through  the  window-blinds, 
y 'understand.  So  what  more  do  them  Russians 
want?" 

"For  one  thing,"  Morris  explained,  "the  peas- 
ants insists,  that  all  the  land  in  Russland  should  be 
divided  up  between  them." 

"What  for?"  Abe  asked. 

"They  probably  see  a  chance  to  get  a  little  real 
estate  free  of  charge,"  Morris  replied. 

"Aber  what  good  would  that  do  them?"  Abe 
said.  "Because  in  a  country  where  revolutions  is 
liable  to  happen  every  day  in  the  week  except 
Saturdays  from  nine  to  twelve-thirty,  y'under- 
stand,  there  ain't  much  market  for  real  estate,  and, 
besides,  Mawruss,  if  them  poor  peasants  only  knew 
what  a  dawg's  life  it  is  in  the  real-estate  business, 
understand  me,  even  when  times  is  good,  they 
would  of  got  such  Rachmonos  for  the  Czar  with 
his  twenty-two  million  five  hundred  and  forty- 
three  thousand  two  hundred  and  twenty-nine 
versts  of  unimproved  property,  that  instead  of 
getting  up  a  revolution,  they  would  of  got  up  a 
meeting  and  passed  resolutions  of  sympathy." 

"  The  chances  is  they  would  of  done  it,  anyway, 
if  it  wouldn't  been  for  this  here  Kerensky,"  Mor- 

7  87 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

ris  declared.  "What  that  feller  don't  know  about 
running  a  revolution,  Abe,  if  Carranza,  Villa,  and 
Huerta  would  have  known  it,  they  would  have 
had  two  years  ago  already  a  chain  of  five-and- 
ten-cent  revolutions  doing  a  good  business  all  the 
way  from  the  Rio  Grande  to  Cape  Horn.  Yes, 
Abe,  compared  with  a  boss  revolutionist  like 
Kerensky,  y'understand,  these  here  Mexican  revo- 
lutionists is  just,  so  to  speak,  learners  on  revolu- 
tionists." 

"Then  if  that's  the  case,  Mawruss,  how  does 
it  come  that  one  after  another,  Korniloff,  Lenine, 
and  Trotzky,  practically  puts  this  here  Kerensky 
out  of  business  as  a  revolutionist?"  Abe  asked. 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  said.  "A  feller 
which  is  running  a  revolution  in  Russland  has  not 
only  got  to  got  nerve,  y'understand,  but  he's  also 
got  to  be  able  to  stand  very  long  hours.  Also  it  is 
necessary  for  him  to  do  a  whole  lot  of  traveling, 
because  no  sooner  does  such  a  feller  set  up  his 
government  in  Petersburg,  y'understand,  than  the 
Petersburg  Local  Number  One  of  the  Amalga- 
mated Workingmen's  and  Soldiers'  Union  is  liable 
to  chase  him  and  his  government  all  the  way  to 
Moscow,  y'understand,  and  hardly  does  he  get 
busy  in  Moscow,  understand  me,  than  he  gets  in 
bad  with  the  Moscow  Local  Number  One  of  the 
same  union,  and  so  on  vice  versa.  In  fact,  in  a 
couple  of  weeks  he's  liable  to  be  vice-versad  that 
way  a  half  a  dozen  times,  which  if  Kerensky 
would  have  had  experience  as  a  traveling  sales- 
man, Abe,  it  wouldn't  hurt  him  to  be  practically 

88 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

spending  his  entire  time  commuting  between  Mos- 
cow and  Petersburg,  but  before  this  here  Kerensky 
became  a  revolutionist  he  used  to  was  in  the  law 
business,  and  besides  he  enjoys  very  poor  health 
and  is  liable  to  die  any  moment." 

"What's  the  matter  with  him?"  Abe  asked. 

"I  understand  he's  got  kidney  trouble,"  Morris 
replied. 

"Well,  if  that  feller  would  get  an  opportunity 
to  die  of  kidney  trouble,  Mawruss,  he  should 
ought  to  take  advantage  of  it,"  Abe  commented, 
"because  if  you  was  to  look  up  in  the  files  of  the 
Petersburg  Department  of  Health  what  is  the 
figures  on  the  cause  of  death  in  the  case  of  revolu- 
tionists, Mawruss,  you  would  probably  find  some- 
thing like  this: 

Explosions 91 .31416% 

Gun-shot  wounds,  including  revolvers, 
air-rifles,  machine-guns,  cannons,  ar- 
mored tanks,  torpedoes,  and  unclassi- 
fied   8.99999 

Knife  wounds,  including  razors,  cold 
chisels,  pickaxes,  and  cloth  and  grass 
cutting  apparatus 0 . 563 

Natural  causes,  including  hardening  of 

the  arteries a  trace." 

"What  do  you  mean — natural  causes?"  Morris 
said.  "When  a  revolutionist  dies  a  natural  death, 
it's  a  pure  accident." 

"Did  I  say  it  wasn't?"  Abe  said.  "But  at  the 
same  time  some  Russian  revolutionists  lives  longer 
than  others,  because  being  a  Russian  revolutionist 

89 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

is  more  or  less  a  matter  of  training.  Take  this 
here  feller  which  is  now  conducting  the  Russian 
revolution  under  the  name  of  Trotzky,  and  used 
to  was  conducting  a  New  York  trolley-car  under 
the  name  of  Braunstein,  y 'understand,  and  when 
the  time  comes — which  it  will  come — when  his 
offices  will  be  surrounded  by  a  mob  of  a  hundred 
thousand  Russian  working-men  and  soldiers,  un- 
derstand me,  all  that  this  here  Trotzky  alias 
Braunstein  will  do  is  to  shout  'Fares,  please,''  and 
he'll  go  through  that  crowd  of  working-men  like 
a — well,  like  a  New  York  trolley-car  conductor 
going  through  a  crowd  of  working-men." 

"From  what  is  happening  in  Mexico  and 
Russia,"  Morris  observed,  "it  seems  that  when  a 
country  gets  a  revolution  on  its  hands  it's  like  a 
feller  with  a  boil  on  his  neck.  He's  going  to  keep 
on  having  them  until  he  gets  'em  entirely  out  of 
his  system." 

"Well,  Russia  has  had  such  an  awful  siege  of 
them,"  Abe  said,  "that  you  would  think  she 
was  immune  by  this  time." 

"It's  the  freedom  breaking  out  on  her,"  Morris 
said. 

"It  seems,  however,"  said  Abe,  "that  in  Russia 
there  are  as  many  kinds  of  freedom  as  there  are 
fellers  that  want  a  job  running  a  revolution. 
There  was  the  Kerensky  brand  of  freedom  which 
was  quite  popular  for  a  while;  then  Korniloff 
tried  to  market  another  brand  of  freedom  and 
made  a  failure  of  it,  and  now  Trotzky  and  Lenine 
are  putting  out  the  T.  and  L.  Brand  of  Self-rising 

90 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Freedom  in  red  packages,  and  seem  to  be  doing 
quite  a  good  business,  too.'* 

"Sure  I  know,"  Morris  agreed.  "But  you 
would  think  that  freedom  was  freedom  and  that 
there  could  be  no  arguments  about  it,  so  why  the 
devil  do  them  poor  Russian  working-men  go  on 
fighting  each  other,  Abe?" 

"They  want  an  immediate  peace  with  Ger- 
many," Abe  said,  "and  the  way  it  looks  now,  they 
would  still  be  fighting  each  other  for  an  immediate 
peace  with  Germany  ten  years  after  the  war  is 
over,  because  if  them  Russian  working-men  was 
to  get  an  immediate  peace  immediately,  Mawruss, 
they  would  have  to  go  to  work  again,  and  you 
know  as  well  as  I  do,  Mawruss,  the  very  last  thing 
that  a  Russian  working-man  thinks  of,  y'under- 
stand,  is  working." 

"Well  in  a  way,  you  couldn't  blame  the  Rus- 
sians for  what  is  going  on  in  Russland,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "For  years  already  the  Socialists 
has  been  telling  them  poor  Nebiches  what  a  rotten 
time  the  working-men  had  before  the  social  revo- 
lution, y'understand,  and  what  a  good  time  the 
working-man  is  going  to  have  after  the  social 
revolution,  understand  me,  but  what  kind  of  a 
time  the  working-man  would  have  during  the 
social  revolution,  THAT  the  Socialists  left  for  them 
poor  Russians  to  find  out  for  themselves,  and 
when  those  working-men  who  come  through  it 
alive  begin  to  figure  the  profit  and  loss  on  the 
transaction,  Abe,  the  whole  past  life  of  one  of  those 
Socialist  leaders  is  going  to  flash  before  his  eyes 

91 


just  before  the  drop  falls,  y'understand,  and  one 
of  his  pleasantest  recollections — if  you  can  call 
recollections  pleasant  on  such  an  occasion — will 
be  the  happy  days  he  spent  knocking  down  fares 
on  the  Third  and  Amsterdam  Avenue  cars." 

"Then  I  take  it  you  'ain't  got  a  whole  lot  of 
sympathy  for  the  Socialists,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

"Not  since  when  I  was  a  greenhorn  I  used  to 
work  at  buttonhole-making,  and  I  heard  a  Socialist 
feller  on  East  Houston  Street  hollering  that  under 
a  socialistic  system  the  laborer  would  get  the 
whole  fruits  of  his  labor,"  Morris  said.  "Pretty 
near  all  that  night  I  lay  awake  figuring  to  myself 
that  if  I  could  make  twelve  buttonholes  every  ten 
minutes,  which  would  be  seventy-two  buttonholes 
an  hour  or  seven  hundred  and  twenty  buttonholes 
a  day,  Abe,  how  many  buttonholes  would  I  have 
in  a  year  under  a  socialistic  system,  and  after  I 
had  them,  what  would  I  do  with  them?  The  con- 
sequence was,  I  overslept  myself  and  came  down 
late  to  the  shop  next  morning,  and  it  was  more 
than  two  days  before  I  found  another  job." 

"Well,  that  ain't  much  of  an  argument  against 
socialism,"  Abe  remarked. 

"Not  to  most  people  it  wouldn't  be,  but  it  was 
an  awful  good  argument  to  me,  and  I  really  think 
it  saved  me  from  becoming  a  Socialist,"  Morris 
said. 

"You  a  Socialist!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "How 
could  a  feller  like  you  become  a  Socialist?  I 
belong  to  the  same  lodge  with  you  now  for  ten 
years,  and  in  all  that  time  you've  never  had  nerve 

92 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

enough  to  get  up  and  say  even  so  much  as  'I  second 
the  motion" 

"But  there  are  two  classes  of  Socialists,  Abe — 
the  talkers  and  the  listeners,  and  while  I  admit 
the  talkers  are  in  the  big  majority,  the  work  of 
the  listeners  is  just  so  important.  They  are  the 
fellers  which  try  out  the  ideas  of  the  talkers,  the 
only  difference  being  that  while  such  talkers  as 
Herr  Liebknecht  and  Rosa  Luxembourg  gets  a  lot 
of  publicity  out  of  going  to  jail  for  handing  out 
socialistic  ideas,  y 'understand,  the  funerals  which 
the  listeners  get  for  trying  such  ideas  out  are 
very,  very  private.'* 

"At  that,  them  talking  Socialists  which  is  tak- 
ing shifts  with  each  other  in  running  the  Russian 
government  must  be  putting  in  a  pretty  busy  time, 
Mawruss,  because  there's  a  whole  lot  of  detail  to 
such  a  job,  and  while  past  experience  as  a  street- 
car conductor  may  give  the  necessary  endurance, 
it  don't  help  out  much  when  it  comes  to  systematiz- 
ing the  day's  work  of  a  Russian  dictator.  For  in- 
stance, we  would  say  that  he  goes  into  office  at 
nine  o'clock  with  the  help  of  the  One  Hundred  and 
First  Kazan  Regiment,  six  companies  of  Cossacks, 
and  the  Tenth  Poltava  Separate  Company  of 
Machine-Gunners.  After  making  a  socialistic  ad- 
dress to  the  survivors  he  washes  off  the  blood 
and  puts  on  a  clean  collar,  or,  in  the  case  of  a 
Bolsheviki  dictator,  he  only  washes  off  the  blood. 

"The  next  thing  on  the  program  is  to  ring  up  a 
few  flag  and  bunting  concerns  and  ask  for  repre- 
sentatives to  call  about  taking  an  order  for  a  few 

93 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

national  flags.  They  arrive  half  an  hour  later,  and 
after  making  a  socialistic  address,  y'understand, 
he  picks  out  a  design  for  immediate  delivery,  be- 
cause even  a  few  hours'  delay  will  make  a  design 
for  a  Russian  national  flag  as  big  a  sticker  as  a 
nineteen-ten-model  runabout. 

"When  he's  got  the  flag  off  his  mind  he  next 
interviews  the  Russian  composers,  Glazounow, 
Borodine,  Arensky,  and  Scriabine,  and  after  mak- 
ing a  socialistic  address  he  invites  them  they 
should  submit  a  new  national  anthem,  the  only 
requirements  being  that  it  should  contain  a 
reference  to  the  fact  that  under  the  old  competi- 
tive system  the  working-man  did  not  receive  the 
whole  fruits  of  his  labor,  and  that  delivery  should 
be  made  not  later  than  twelve-thirty  P.M.  He 
then  goes  over  to  the  mint  to  decide  upon  models 
for  a  new  gold  coinage  and  to  confiscate  as  much 
of  the  old  one  as  they  have  on  hand.  After 
making  a  socialistic  address  to  the  director  of  the 
mint  and  his  staff,  y'understand,  he  agrees  that  the 
old,  clean-shaven  Kerensky  designs  shall  be  al- 
tered by  adding  whiskers,  because  you  know  as 
well  as  I  do,  Mawruss,  when  it  comes  to  the 
portrait  on  a  gold  coin,  nobody  is  going  to  take  it  so 
particular  about  the  likeness  not  being  so  good  as 
long  as  it  ain't  plugged. 

"He  then  goes  back  to  his  office  and  prepares 
a  socialistic  address  to  be  delivered  to  the  duma, 
a  socialistic  address  to  be  delivered  to  the  army, 
and  three  or  four  more  socialistic  addresses  with 
the  names  in  blank  for  use  in  case  of  emergency," 

94 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

Abe  continued,  "and  so  one  way  or  another  he  is 
kept  busy  right  up  to  the  time  when  word  comes 
that  his  successor  has  just  left  Tsarskoe-Seloe  with 
the  Thirty-second  Nijni-Novgorod  Infantry  and 
a  regiment  composed  of  contingents  from  the 
Ladies'  Aid  Society  of  the  First  Universalist  Church 
of  Minsk,  Daughters  of  the  Revolution  of  Nine- 
teen five,  the  Y.  W.  H.  A.,  and  the  Women's 
City  Club  of  Odessa.  Twenty  minutes  later  he  is 
on  board  a  boat  bound  for  Sweden,  and  after  look- 
ing up  the  Ganeves  in  his  state-room  he  comes  up  on 
deck  and  spends  the  rest  of  the  trip  making  social- 
istic addresses  to  the  crew,  the  passengers,  and 
the  cargo." 

"Having  to  go  and  live  in  Sweden  ain't  such 
a  pleasant  fate,  neither,"  Morris  observed. 

"Say!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "There's  only  one 
thing  that  a  Russian  revolutionary  dictator  really 
and  truly  worries  about." 

"What  is  that?"  Morris  said. 

"Losing  his  voice,"  Abe  said. 


XI 


POTASH     AND     PERLMUTTER     DISCUSS     THE     SUGAR 
QUESTION 

One  lump,  or  two,  please  ? 

"  A  IN'T  it  terrible  the  way  you  couldn't  buy 

•**•  no  sugar  in  New  York,  nowadays,  Maw- 

russ?"  Abe  Potash  said,  one  morning  in  November. 

"Let  the  people  not  eat  sugar,"  Morris  Perl- 
mutter  declared.  "These  are  war-times,  Abe." 

"Suppose  they  are  war-times,"  Abe  retorted, 
"must  everybody  act  like  they  had  diabetes? 
Sugar  is  just  so  much  a  food  as  butter  and  milk  and 
gefullte  Rinderbrust." 

"I  know  it  is,"  Morris  agreed,  "but  most  people 
eat  it  because  it's  sweet,  and  they  like  it." 

"Then  it's  your  idea  that  on  account  of  the  war 
people  should  eat  only  them  foods  which  they 
don't  like?"  Abe  inquired. 

"That  ain't  my  idea,  Abe,"  Morris  protested; 
"  I  got  it  from  reading  letters  to  the  editors  written 
by  Pro  Bono  Publicos  and  other  fellers  which  is  tak- 
ing advantage  of  the  only  opportunity  they  will  ever 
have  to  figure  in  the  newspapers  outside  of  the 

96 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

births,  marriages,  and  deaths,  y'understand.  Them 
fellers  all  insist  that  until  the  war  is  over  every- 
thing in  the  way  of  sweetening  should  be  left  out  of 
American  life,  and  some  of  'em  even  go  so  far  as  to 
claim  that  we  should  ought  to  swear  off  pepper  and 
salt  also.  Their  idea  is  that  until  we  lick  the 
Germans  the  American  people  should  leave  off 
going  to  the  theay ter,  riding  in  automobiles,  play- 
ing golluf,  baseball,  and  auction  pinochle,  and 
reading  magazines  and  story-books,  y'understand. 
In  fact,  they  say  that  the  American  people  should 
devote  themselves  to  their  business,  but  what 
business  the  fellers  which  is  in  the  show  business, 
the  automobile  business,  and  the  magazine- 
publishing  business  should  devote  themselves  to 
don't  seem  to  of  occurred  to  these  here  Pro  Bono 
Publicos  at  all." 

"I  guess  them  newspaper-letter  writers  which  is 
trying  to  beat  out  their  own  funeral  notices  must 
of  got  their  dope  from  this  here  Frank  J.  Vander- 
lip,"  Abe  commented,  "which  I  read  it  some- 
wheres  that  he  comes  out  with  a  brogan  that  a 
dollar  spent  for  unnecessary  things  is  an  un- 
patriotic dollar." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said,  "but  he  left  it  to 
the  spender's  judgment  as  to  what  was  necessary 
and  what  was  unnecessary,  Abe,  which  even 
President  Wilson  himself  finds  it  necessary  once 
in  a  while  to  go  to  a  theayter  in  order  to  forget  the 
way  them  Pro  Bono  Publicos  is  nagging  at  him, 
morning,  noon,  and  night." 

"But  the  country  must  got  to  get  very  busy  if 

97 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

we  expect  to  win,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "and  them 
Pro  Bonos  thinks  it's  up  to  them  to  make  the 
people  realize  what  a  serious  proposition  weVe  got 
on  our  hands." 

"That's  all  right,  too,"  Morris  agreed,  "but  it 
would  be  a  whole  lot  more  serious  if  the  people 
become  Meshugga  from  melancholia  before  we 
got  half-way  through  with  the  war.  Even  when 
times  is  prosperous  only  a  very  few  of  the  Leute 
takes  more  amusement  than  is  necessary  for  'em, 
Abe,  and  that's  why  I  say  that  this  here  Frank  J. 
Vanderlip  knew  what  he  was  talking  about  when 
he  didn't  say  what  things  was  unnecessary.  For 
instance,  Abe,  if  a  Pro  Bono  Publico,  on  account 
of  the  war,  cuts  out  taking  a  summer  vacation  for 
a  couple  of  hundred  dollars,  and  in  consequence 
gets  a  break-down  from  overwork  and  has  to  spend 
five  hundred  dollars  for  doctor  bills,  all  you've 
got  to  do  is  to  strike  a  balance  and  you  can  see 
for  yourself  that  he  has  spent  three  hundred  un- 
necessary unpatriotic  dollars." 

"Well,  doctors  has  got  to  have  money  to  buy 
Liberty  Bonds  with  the  same  like  anybody  else, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  commented. 

"I  know  they  have,"  Morris  agreed,  "and 
that's  why  I  say  the  great  mistake  which  these 
here  Pro  Bonos  makes  is  that  the  war  is  going  to 
be  fought  only  with  the  money  which  is  saved, 
whereas  if  them  boys  had  any  experience  collecting 
for  an  orphan  asylum  or  a  hospital,  Abe,  they 
would  know  that  it  ain't  the  tight-wads  which 
come  across.  Yes,  Abe,  you  could  take  it  from 

98 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

me,  the  very  people  which  is  cutting  out  theayters, 
automobile  rides,  and  auction  pinochle  for  the 
duration  of  the  war  would  think  twice  before  they 
invest  the  money  they  save  that  way  in  anything 
which  don't  bear  interest  at  the  rate  of  six  per 
cent,  per  annum." 

"You  may  be  right,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "but 
arguments  about  how  to  finance  the  war  is  like 
double-faced  twelve-inch  phonograph  records. 
There's  a  good  deal  to  be  said  on  both  sides,  which 
it  looks  like  a  dead  open-and-shut  proposition  to 
me  that  people  couldn't  buy  no  Liberty  Bonds 
with  the  money  they  spend  for  theayter  tickets." 

"But  the  feller  which  runs  the  theayter  could, 
and  he  must  also  got  to  pay  the  government  a  tax 
on  the  money  which  he  gets  that  way,"  Morris 
retorted. 

"But  how  about  the  money  which  the  theayter- 
owner  must  got  to  pay  in  wages  to  actors,  play- 
writers,  ushers,  and  the  Rosher  which  sells  tickets 
in  the  box-office?"  Abe  argued. 

"Well,  how  are  all  them  loafers  going  to  buy 
Liberty  Bonds  if  they  wouldn't  get  their  money 
that  way?"  Morris  asked.  "So  you  see  how  it  is, 
Abe:  the  feller  which  saves  all  his  money  for  the 
duration  of  the  war  ain*t  such  a  big  Tzaddik 
as  you  would  think,  because  even  if  he  invests  the 
whole  thing  in  Liberty  Bonds,  which  he  ain't 
likely  to  do,  all  he  gets  for  his  money  is  Liberty 
Bonds,  and  at  the  same  tune  he  is  helping  to  ruin 
a  lot  of  business  men  and  throw  their  employees 
out  of  their  jobs,  and  incidentally  he  is  also  doing 

99 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  best  he  knows  how  to  make  the  whole  country 
sick  and  tired  of  the  war.  Aber  you  take  one  of 
them  fellers  which  goes  once  in  a  while  to  the 
theayter  for  the  duration  of  the  war,  y 'understand, 
and  indirectly  he  is  handing  the  government  just 
so  much  money  as  the  tight-wad,  the  only  dif- 
ference being  that  the  government  ain't  paying 
him  no  interest  on  it,  and  he  is  also  helping  to 
keep  the  show  business  going  and  to  pay  the 
wages  of  the  actors  and  all  them  other  low- 
lives  which  makes  a  living  out  of  the  show  busi- 
ness." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  how  is  the 
government  going  to  get  men  for  the  ammunition- 
factories  if  they  are  busy  making  automobiles  for 
joy-riding  oder  fooling  away  their  time  as  actors, 
Mawruss?" 

"That  is  up  to  the  government  and  not  to  the 
Pro  Bono  Publicos,"  Morris  declared,  "which  if 
the  theayters  has  got  to  be  closed,  Abe,  I  would 
a  whole  lot  sooner  have  it  done  by  the  government 
as  by  a  bunch  of  Pro  Bono  Publicos,  which  not 
only  never  goes  to  the  theayter  anyway,  but  also 
gets  more  pleasure  from  seeing  their  foolishness 
printed  in  the  newspaper  than  you  or  I  would 
from  seeing  the  Follies  of  nineteen  seventeen  to 
nineteen  fifty  inclusive." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "ad- 
mitting that  all  which  you  say  is  true,  y'under- 
stand,  I  seen  a  whole  lot  of  fellers  which  is  working 
as  actors  during  the  past  few  years,  Mawruss, 

and  with  the  exception  of  six,  may  be,  it  would 

100 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

oser  do  the  show  business  any  harm  if  them  fellers 
was  to  become  operators  on  pants,  let  alone 
ammunition.  It's  the  same  way  with  the  auto- 
mobile business  also.  If  seventy-five  per  cent,  of 
the  people  which  runs  automobiles  was  compelled 
to  give  them  up  to-morrow,  Mawruss,  the  thing 
they  would  miss  most  of  all  would  be  the  bills 
from  the  repair-shop  robbers.  So  that's  the  way 
it  goes,  Mawruss.  It  don't  make  no  difference 
what  a  Pro  Bono  Publico  writes  to  the  newspaper, 
y'understand,  he  couldn't  do  a  hundredth  part  as 
much  to  make  people  cut  out  going  to  the  theayter 
for  the  duration  of  the  war  as  the  feller  in  the 
show  business  does  when  he  puts  on  a  rotten  show. 
Also  Mr.  Vanderlip  has  got  a  good  line  of  talk 
about  Americans  acting  economical,  y'understand, 
but  he's  practically  encouraging  the  people  that 
they  should  throw  away  their  money  left  and 
right  on  automobiles,  compared  to  some  of  them 
automobile-manufacturers  which  depends  upon 
their  repair  departments  for  their  profits.*' 

"I  understand  that  right  now,  Abe,  the  auto- 
mobile business  is  falling  off  something  terrible," 
Morris  continued,  "and  the  show  business  also." 

"Sure  it  is,"  Abe  said,  "because  so  soon  as  the 
government  put  taxes  on  theayter  tickets  and 
automobiles,  Mawruss,  the  people  was  bound  to 
figure  it  out  that  it  was  bad  enough  they  should 
got  to  pay  taxes  on  their  assets  without  being 
soaked  ten  per  cent,  on  their  liabilities  also.  And 
if  I  would  be  a  Pro  Bono  Publico  which,  Gott  sei 

dank,  I  couldn't  write  good  enough  English  to 

101 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

break  into  the  newspapers,  Mawruss,  the  argu- 
ment I  would  make  is  that  people  should  leave 
off  being  suckers  for  the  duration  of  the  war,  and 
the  whole  matter  of  spending  money  foolishly  on 
theayter  tickets  and  automobiles  would  adjust 
itself  without  any  assistance  from  the  government, 
y'understand." 

"Well,  everything  else  failing,  them  automo- 
bile-dealers and  theayter-owners  could  get  up  a 
war  bazaar  for  themselves,"  Morris  suggested, 
"which  I  seen  it  the  other  day  in  the  papers 
where  they  run  off  a  war  bazaar  in  New  York 
and  raised  over  seventy  thousand  dollars  for  some 
fellers  in  the  advertising  business." 

"Has  the  advertising  business  also  been  af- 
fected by  the  war?"  Abe  asked. 

"The  business  of  some  advertising  agents  has," 
replied  Morris,  "which  it  seems  that  the  standard 
rates  for  advertising  agents  who  solicited  adver- 
tisements for  war-bazaar  programs  was  any  sum 
realized  by  the  bazaar  over  and  above  one-tenth 
of  one  per  cent,  of  the  net  proceeds,  which  the 
advertising  men  agreed  should  be  devoted  to 
wounded  American  soldiers  or  starving  Belgiums, 
according  to  the  name  of  the  bazaar." 

"Maybe  them  advertising  agents  earned  their 
money  at  that,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "which  the 
average  advertising  solicitor  would  need  to  do  a 
whole  lot  of  talking  before  he  could  convince  me 
that  an  advertisement  in  a  war-bazaar  program 
has  got  any  draught  to  speak  about,  because  you 
take  a  feller  in  the  pants  business,  y'understand, 

102 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

and  if  he  would  get  an  order  for  one-twelfth 
dozen  pants  out  of  all  the  advertisements  which 
he  would  stick  in  war-bazaar  programs  from  the 
beginning  of  the  war  up  to  the  time  when  running 
a  war  bazaar  first  offense  is  going  to  be  the 
equivalence  of  not  less  than  from  five  to  ten  years, 
understand  me,  it  would  be  big  already." 

"At  the  same  time,"  Morris  protested,  "if 
people  is  foolish  enough  to  blow  in  their  money 
advertising  by  war-bazaar  programs,  Abe,  it  don't 
seem  unreasonable  to  me  that  the  advertising 
agents  and  the  starving  Belgiums  should  go  fifty- 
fifty  on  the  proceeds,  and  the  way  it  looks  now, 
Abe,  the  New  York  grand  jury  is  going  to  agree 
with  me  after  they  get  through  investigating  the 
bills  for  advertising  in  connection  with  the  army 
and  navy  bazaars." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed.  "But  why  should 
the  grand  jury  investigate  only  the  advertising? 
Why  don't  a  grand-juryman  for  once  in  his  life 
do  a  little  something  to  earn  his  salary  and  in- 
vestigate what  becomes  of  the  articles  which  young 
ladies  sells  chances  on  at  war  bazaars?  It  would 
also  be  a  slight  satisfaction  for  them  easy  marks 
which  contributes  merchandise  to  a  war  bazaar 
if  the  grand  jury  could  send  out  tracers  after  the 
goods  which  remained  in  stock  when  the  bazaar 
was  officially  declared  closed  by  the  parties  named 
in  the  indictment." 

"What  do  you  think — a  New  York  grand  jury 
has  got  nothing  else  to  investigate  for  the  rest  of 
the  twentieth  century  except  one  war  bazaar?" 

8  103 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

» 

Morris  inquired.  "The  way  you  talk  you  would 
think  that  they  had  nothing  better  to  do  with  their 
time  than  the  people  which  goes  to  war  bazaars, 
which  the  reason  why  them  advertising  men  went 
wrong  was  that  they  were  practically  encouraged 
to  run  crooked  war  bazaars  by  the  hundreds  of 
thousands  of  people  who  wouldn't  loosen  up  for 
charity  unless  they  could  get  something  for  their 
money  besides  the  good  they  are  doing." 

"Well,  that  only  goes  to  show  how  one  minute 
you  argue  one  way,  and  the  next  you  say  something 
entirely  different  again,"  Abe  said. 

" Is  that  so ?"  Morris  exclaimed.  "Well,  so  far  as 
I  could  see,  Abe,  you  ain't  on  a  strict  diet,  neither, 
when  it  comes  to  eating  your  own  words." 

"Maybe  I  ain't,"  Abe  admitted,  "but  it  seems 
to  me  that  people  might  just  so  well  pass  on  their 
money  to  the  Red  Cross  through  war  bazaars  as 
pass  it  on  to  the  government  through  buying 
theay ter  tickets  the  way  you  argued  a  few  minutes 
since." 

"  The  Red  Cross  is  one  thing  and  the  government 
another,"  Morris  retorted.  "If  people  spend 
money  at  a  war  bazaar  maybe  one  per  cent,  of  it 
reaches  the  Red  Cross  and  maybe  it  don't,  whereas 
if  they  spend  at  a  theayter,  the  government  gets 
ten  per  cent,  net,  and  the  transaction  'ain't  got 
to  be  audited  by  the  grand  jury,  neither." 

"Then  you  ain't  in  favor  that  people  should 
give  their  money  to  the  Red  Cross?"  Abe  said. 

"Gott  soil  huien!"  Morris  cried.  "People  should 
give  all  they  could  to  the  Red  Cross  and  the 

104 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

government  also,  but  while  they  are  doing  it, 
Abe,  it  ain't  no  more  necessary  that  they  should 
encourage  a  crooked  advertising  agent  as  that 
they  should  ruin  a  hard-working  feller  in  the  show 
business.  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 


XII 


POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER    DISCUSS    HOW   TO    PUT 
THE   SPURT    IN   THE   EXPERT 

"\  \ yTHEN  does  the  Shipping  Commission  ex- 
V  V    pect  to  begin  shipments  on  those  ships?" 
Abe  Potash  asked,  as  he  laid  down  the  morning 
paper  a  few  days  after  Thanksgiving. 

"I  don't  know,"  Morris  Perlmutter  replied. 
"The  way  the  newspapers  was  talking  last  April, 
Abe,  it  looked  like  by  the  first  of  September  our 
production  would  be  so  far  ahead  of  our  orders 
for  ships  that  President  Wilson  would  have  to 
organize  a  special  department  to  handle  the  can- 
cellations, y 'understand,  but  from  what  I  could 
see  now,  Abe,  by  next  spring  the  nearest  them 
Shipping  Commission  fellers  will  have  come  to  de- 
liveries on  ships  is  that  this  here  Hurley  will  be 
getting  writer's  cramp  from  signing  letters  to  the 
attorneys  for  the  people  which  ordered  ships  that 
in  reply  to  your  favor  of  the  tenth  inst.  would 
say  that  we  expect  to  ship  the  ships  not  later  than 
July  first  at  the  latest,  and  oblige." 

"But  I  thought  that  even  before  we  went  to 

106 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

war  with  Germany,  Mawruss,  a  couple  of  inventors 
made  it  an  invention  of  a  ship  which  could  be  built 
of  yellow  pine  in  ninety  days  net." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said.  "But  the  Ship- 
ping Commission  couldn't  make  up  their  minds 
whether  them  yellow-pine  ships  would  be  any  good 
even  after  they  were  built,  on  account  some  pro- 
fessional experts  claimed  that  yellow  pine  shrinks 
in  water  to  the  extent  of  .00031416  milliegrams  to 
the  kilowatt-hour,  or  .000000001  per  cent.,  and 
other  professional  experts  said,  'Yow  .00031416 
milliegrams!'  and  that  .00000031416  would  be  big 
already,  and  that  also  what  them  first  experts 
didn't  know  from  the  shrinkage  of  yellow  pine, 
understand  me." 

"Well,  why  didn't  the  Shipping  Commission 
build  a  sample  ship  from  yellow  pine?"  Abe  sug- 
gested. "It's  already  nine  months  since  the  war 
started,  and  by  this  time  such  a  ship  could  have 
been  in  the  water  long  enough  for  them  Shipping 
Commission  fellers  to  judge  which  experts  was 
right." 

"And  suppose  she  did  shrink  a  little,"  Morris 
said,  "she  could  have  been  anyhow  disposed  of 
'as  is'  to  somebody  who  didn't  take  it  so  particular 
to  the  fraction  of  an  inch  how  much  yellow  pine 
he  gets  in  a  yellow-pine  ship." 

"I  give  you  right,  Mawruss,"  Abe  agreed,  "but 
then,  you  see,  an  idee  like  that  would  never  occur 
to  a  professional  expert,  Mawruss,  because  it  has 
the  one  big  objection  that  it  might  prove  the  other 
experts  was  right  when  they  didn't  agree  with  him, 

107 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

which  that  is  the  trouble  with  professional  experts. 
The  important  thing  to  them  ain't  so  much  the 
articles  on  which  they  experts,  as  what  big  experts 
they  are  on  such  articles. 

"Take  this  here  Lewis  machine-gun,  Mawruss," 
Abe  continued,  "and  when  Colonel  Lewis  puts  it 
up  to  the  army  experts,  y'understand,  naturally 
them  experts  says,  *  Well,  if  we  are  such  big  experts 
on  machine-guns,  we  should  ought  to  know  a 
whole  lot  more  about  machine-guns  as  Colonel 
Lewis,  and  what  does  that  Schlemiel  know  about 
machine-guns,  anyway?'  so  they  sent  Colonel 
Lewis  a  notice  that  they  would  not  be  responsible 
for  goods  left  over  thirty  days,  and  the  consequence 
was  Colonel  Lewis  sold  his  machine-gun  to  the 
English  army." 

"And  he  didn't  have  to  be  such  a  cracker- 
jack  high-grade  A-number-one  salesman  to  do  that, 
neither,"  Morris  commented,  "because  if  his  only 
talking  point  to  the  English  experts  was  that  the 
American  experts  had  turned  down  his  gun, 
y'understand,  the  English  experts  would  give  him 
a  big  order  without  even  asking  him  to  unpack 
his  samples." 

" Sure, I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  if  Colonel  Lewis 
would  of  had  the  interests  of  America  at  heart, 
Mawruss,  he  should  ought  to  have  offered  his 
machine-gun  to  the  English  experts  first,  under- 
stand me,  and  after  he  had  got  out  of  the  observa- 
tion ward,  which  the  English  experts  would  just 
naturally  send  him  to  as  a  dangerous  American 
crank  with  a  foolish  idea  for  a  machine-gun, 

108 


"Well,  if  we  are  such  big  experts  on  machine-guns,  we  should 
ought  to  know  a  whole  lot  more  about  machine-guns  as  Colonel 
Lewis,  and  what  does  that  Schlemiel  know  about  machine-guns, 
anyway?"" 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

y'understand,  the  American  experts  would  have 
taken  his  entire  output  at  his  own  terms." 

"After  all,  you  can't  kick  about  such  mistakes 
being  made,  because  that's  the  trouble  about 
being  a  new  beginner  in  any  business,"  Morris 
said.  "It  don't  make  no  difference  whether  it 
would  be  war  or  pants,  Abe,  you  start  out  with 
one  big  liability,  and  that  is  the  advice  proposition. 
Twice  as  many  new  beginners  goes  under  from  ac- 
cepting what  they  thought  was  good  advice  as 
from  accepting  what  they  thought  was  good  ac- 
counts, Abe,  and  them  fellers  on  the  Shipping 
Commission  deserves  a  great  deal  of  credit  that 
they  already  made  such  fine  progress.  You  can 
just  imagine  what  this  here  Hurley  which  he  used 
to  was  in  the  railroad  business  must  be  up  against 
from  his  friends  which  has  been  in  the  ship- 
building business  for  years  already.  The  chance 
is  that  every  time  Mr.  Hurley  goes  out  on  the 
street  one  of  them  old  ship-building  friends  comes 
up  to  him  with  that  good-advice  expression  on  his 
face  and  says:  'Nu,  Hurley.  How  are  they  com- 
ing?' which  it  don't  make  a  bit  of  difference  to 
such  a  feller  whether  Mr.  Hurley  would  say, 
fSo,  so,*  'Pretty  good,'  or  'Rotten,'  y 'understand, 
he  might  just  as  well  save  his  breath,  on  account 
the  good-advice  feller  is  going  to  get  it  off  his 
chest,  anyhow. 

"'You're  lucky  at  that,'  the  good-advice  feller 
says,  'because  I  just  met  your  assistant  designer, 
Jake  Rashkin,  and  he  tells  me  you  are  getting  out 
a  line  of  whalebacks  in  pastel  shades.' 

109 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"'Well,  why  not?'  Hurley  says. 

"'Why  not!'  the  friend  exclaims.  'You  mean 
to  tell  me  that  you  don't  know  even  that  much 
about  the  ship-building  business,  that  you  would 
actually  go  to  work  and  make  up  for  the  fall 
trade  a  line  of  whalebacks  in  pastel  shades?  Hon- 
estly, Hurley,  I  must  say  I  am  surprised  at  you.' 
And  for  the  next  twenty  minutes  he  gives  Hurley 
the  names  and  dates  of  six  voluntary  bankrupts, 
all  of  whom  started  in  the  ship-building  business 
by  making  up  a  line  of  whalebacks  in  pastel  shades, 
together  with  the  details  of  just  what  them  fellers 
is  doing  for  a  living  to-day  from  selling  cigars  on 
commission  downwards. 

"Naturally,  Hurley  hustles  right  back  to  the 
shop  and  tells  the  foreman  that  if  they  'ain't 
already  started  on  that  last  batch  of  whalebacks 
in  pastel  shades,  not  to  mind,  and  he  spends  the 
rest  of  the  afternoon  getting  his  operators  busy  on 
a  couple  of  hundred  oil-burning  boats  in  solid 
colors,  like  reds,  greens,  and  blues.  The  con- 
sequence is  that  the  next  day  at  lunch  another  old 
friend  comes  up  to  him,  which  used  to  was  in  the 
ship-building  business  when  the  record  from  New 
York  to  Liverpool  was  nineteen  days  ten  hours  and 
forty -five  minutes,  y 'understand,  and  says:  'Mi, 
Hurley.  How  is  the  busy  little  ship-builder  to- 
day?' 

"Pretty  good,'  Hurley  says.  'I'm  just  getting 
to  work  on  a  big  line  of  oil-burners  in  solid  colors, 
like  reds,  greens,  and  blues.' 

"'No!'  the  old  ship-builder  says, 
no 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"'Sure!'  Hurley  tells  him,  and  after  they  have 
said  'No!'  and  'Sure!'  a  couple  of  dozen  times  it 
appears  that  if  a  new  beginner  in  the  ship-building 
business  lays  in  a  stock  of  plain-colored  oil-burning 
boats  he  might  just  so  well  kiss  himself  good-by 
with  his  ship-building  business  and  be  done  with 
it.  Also  it  seems  that  the  only  line  of  goods  for  a 
new  beginner  in  the  ship-building  business  to 
specialize  in  is  whalebacks  in  pastel  shades,  Abe, 
and  that's  the  way  it  goes." 

"At  that  we're  a  whole  lot  better  off  as  England 
was  when  she  started  in  as  a  new  beginner  in  the 
war  business,"  Abe  commented.  "Mr.  Hurley 
was,  anyhow,  in  the  railroad  business  when  he 
took  over  the  ship-building  job,  and  we've  got 
other  men  which  were  high-grade  dry-goods  and 
hardware  men  before  they  threw  up  their  business 
to  help  the  government  branch  out  into  the  war 
business,  y 'understand,  but  if  we  would  got  to 
depend  on  somebody  who  was  trying  to  run  a  ship- 
yard with  the  experience  he  had  got  from  being 
national  lawn-tennis  champion  for  the  years 
nineteen  hundred  to  nineteen  sixteen  inclusive, 
or  if  President  Wilson  had  the  idee  that  for  a 
man  to  be  the  right  man  in  the  right  place,  y'un- 
derstand,  he  should  ought  to  have  the  gumption 
and  business  ability  which  a  feller  naturally  picks 
up  in  the  course  of  being  an  earl  or  a  duke,  under- 
stand me,  the  best  we  could  hope  for  would 
be  a  fleet  of  six  rebuilt  tugboats  by  the  fall  of 
nineteen  fifty." 

"It  wasn't  England's  fault  that  she  made  such 
in 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

a  mistake,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "Up  to  the  time 
Germany  started  this  war  it  used  to  was  considered 
that  if  nations  did  got  to  go  to  war,  y'understand, 
the  best  way  to  go  about  it  was  to  put  it  in  charge 
of  a  good  sport  like  a  tennis  champion  would 
naturally  have  to  be,  and  as  for  the  earls  and  the 
dukes,  the  theory  on  which  them  fellers  fooled 
away  their  time  was  that  they  was  just  resting  up 
between  wars,  Abe,  because  they  was,  anyhow, 
gentlemen,  and  it  was  England's  idea  that  all  a 
soldier  had  to  be  was  a  gentleman.  But  nowadays 
that's  already  a  thing  of  the  past.  The  way 
Germany  fixed  things  with  her  long-distance  can- 
nons, her  liquid  fire,  gas,  and  Zeppelins,  a  soldier 
don't  have  to  be  so  much  of  a  gentleman  as  an 
inventor,  a  chemist,  an  engineer,  and  a  general 
all-around  hustler." 

"In  fact,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "a  German  sol- 
dier don't  need  to  be  a  gentleman  at  all,  because 
when  it  comes  to  stealing  chateau  furniture, 
destroying  cathedrals,  burning  houses,  and  chop- 
ping down  fruit-trees,  any  experience  as  a  gentle- 
man wouldn't  be  much  of  a  help  to  a  German 
soldier." 

"That's  what  I  am  telling  you,  Abe,"  Morris 
declared.  "Germany  has  made  war  a  business, 
y'understand,  and  she  figures  that  a  gentleman 
in  the  war  business  is  like  a  gentleman  in  the  pants 
business.  He  ain't  going  to  make  any  more  or 
better  pants  by  being  a  gentleman,  y'understand, 
and  if  we  are  going  to  win  this  war,  Abe,  we 

should    ought    to    stop    beefing    about    German 

112 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

soldiers  not  being  gentlemen,  and  take  into  con- 
sideration the  fact  that  while  German  engineers, 
chemists,  inventors,  and  submarine-builders  may 
not  know  whether  you  play  lawn  tennis  with  a  cue, 
mallet,  or  a  full  deck  of  fifty-two  cards  including 
the  joker,  Abe,  you  can  bet  your  life  that  they 
know  an  awful  lot  about  engineering,  chemistry, 
and  building  submarines,  and  they  don't  need  no 
so-called  experts  to  help  them,  neither." 

"And  you  can  also  bet  your  life,  Mawruss,  that 
no  German  would  have  turned  down  Colonel 
Lewis's  machine-guns,"  Abe  said,  "the  way  them 
experts  of  ours  did." 

"Well,  what  is  an  expert  to  do,  Abe?"  Morris 
asked.  "If  he  goes  to  work  and  recommends  the 
government  to  give  an  inventor  an  order  for  his 
invention,  he's  taking  a  big  chance  that  the  inven- 
tion wouldn't  work,  and  you  know  as  well  as  I  do, 
Abe,  most  American  experts  play  in  terrible  hard 
luck.  You  take  these  here  military  experts  which 
gives  expert  opinions  in  the  newspapers  about 
what  is  going  to  happen  next  on  the  Balkan  front, 
y'understand,  and  a  feller  could  make  quite  a 
reputation  as  a  military  expert  by  simply  copper- 
ing their  predictions." 

"Well,  them  military  experts  which  writes  in  the 
newspapers  ain't  really  experts  at  all,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "They're  just  crickets,  like  them 
musical  crickets  which  knows  everything  there  is 
to  know  about,  we  would  say,  for  example,  playing 
on  the  fiddle  excepting  how  to  play  on  the  fiddle." 

"Aber  what  is  the  difference  between  a  profes- 

113 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

sional  expert  and  a  professional  cricket,  anyway?" 
Morris  asked. 

"'A  professional  expert  is  a  feller  which  thinks 
he  knows  all  about  a  business  because  he  tried  for 
years  and  he  never  could  make  a  success  of  it," 
Abe  replied,  "whereas  a  professional  cricket  is  a 
feller  which  thinks  he  knows  all  about  a  business 
because  he  tried  for  years  and  he  could  never  even 
break  into  it." 

"And  how  could  you  expect  to  get  from  people 
like  that  an  opinion  which  ain't  on  the  bias?" 
Morris  concluded. 


XIII 

POTASH   AND   PERLMUTTER  ON  BEING  AN  OPTICIAN 
AND   LOOKING   ON   THE   BRIGHT   SIDE 

"X/'ES,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said  as  he  laid 

•*•  down  the  morning  paper  after  glancing  over 
the  alarming  head-lines,  "a  feller  which  has  got 
stomach  trouble  or  the  toothache  nowadays  is 
playing  in  luck,  because  when  you've  got  stomach 
trouble  you  couldn't  think  about  nothing  else,  and 
what  is  a  little  thing  like  stomach  trouble  to  worry 
over  with  all  the  tzuris  which  is  happening  in  the 
world  nowadays?*' 

"Well,  then  have  stomach  trouble,"  Morris 
Perlmutter  advised. 

"What  do  you  mean — have  stomach  trouble?" 
Abe  said.  "A  man  couldn't  get  stomach  trouble 
the  same  way  he  could  get  drunk,  Mawruss.  It  is 
something  which  is  just  so  much  beyond  your 
control  as  red  hair  or  a  good  tenor  voice." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  agreed.  "But  what  is 
happening  in  Russia  and  Italy  is  also  beyond  your 
control,  Abe,  so  if  them  Bolsheviki  is  getting  on 
your  nerves,  and  you  hate  to  pick  up  the  paper 
for  fear  of  finding  that  the  Germans  would  have 

115 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

captured  Venice,  understand  me,  console  yourself 
with  the  idee  that  there's  a  lot  of  brainy  fellers 
in  this  country  which  is  doing  all  they  know  how 
to  handle  the  situation  over  in  the  old  country, 
and  then  if  you  want  something  near  at  home  to 
worry  about  like  stomach  trouble,  y'understand, 
there's  plenty  of  misfortunate  people  in  orphan 
asylums  and  hospitals  right  here  in  New  York 
City  which  will  be  very  glad  to  have  you  worry 
over  them  in  a  practical  way  out  of  what  you've 
got  left  when  you're  through  paying  income  and 
excise  profit  taxes,  Abe." 

"Maybe  there  is  some  people  which  would  get 
so  upset  over  having  to  give  twenty  dollars  or  so  to 
an  orphan  asylum  or  a  hospital,  Mawruss,  that 
for  the  time  being  they  could  forget  how  General 
Crozier  'ain't  ordered  the  machine-guns  yet," 
Abe  said,  "but  me  I  ain't  built  that  way.  When 
it  says  in  the  papers  where  the  Germans  is  sending 
all  their  soldiers  away  from  the  Russian  front  to 
the  Italian  front,  y'understand,  it  may  be  that 
some  people  could  read  it  and  try  not  to  worry 
by  sending  five  dollars  to  them  Highwaymen  for 
Improving  the  Condition  of  the  Poor,  Mawruss, 
but  when  /  read  it,  Mawruss,  I  think  how  it's  all 
up  to  them  Bolsheviki  in  Russia,  and  I  get  awful 
sore  at  the  poor — in  especially  the  Russian  poor." 

"What  are  you  worrying  your  head  about  what 
they  put  in  the  papers?"  Morris  asked.  "  Seventy- 
five  per  cent,  of  the  bridge-heads  which  the  Ger- 
mans capture  in  the  New  York  morning  papers 
might  just  so  well  be  French  villages,  except  that 

116 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

the  reporters  would  have  to  look  up  the  names  of 
the  villages  on  the  map,  because  some  editors  are 
very  particular  that  way;  they  insist  that  the  re- 
porter should  use  the  name  of  a  real  village, 
whereas  if  he  puts  down  that  the  Germans  has 
captured  a  bridge-head  on  the  Piave  River  he 
could  go  right  out  to  lunch,  and  he  never  even 
stops  to  think  that  if  somebody  would  check  up 
the  number  of  bridge-heads  which  the  Germans 
has  captured  that  way  in  the  New  York  morning 
papers,  Abe,  the  Piave  River  would  got  to  be 
covered  solid  with  bridges  from  end  to  end." 

"But  I  am  just  so  bad  as  a  reporter,  Mawruss — 
I  never  stop  to  think  that,  neither,"  Abe  admitted. 
"It's  my  nature  that  I  couldn't  help  believing 
the  foolishness  which  I  read  in  the  papers,  and  if 
the  Germans  capture  a  bridge-head  on  me  in  the 
Sporting  Edition  with  Final  Wall  Street  Complete 
they  might  just  so  well  capture  it  in  Italy  and  be 
done  with  it,  because  if  I  play  cards  afterward  I 
couldn't  keep  my  mind  on  the  game,  anyhow. 
Only  last  Sunday  I  had  a  three-hundred-and-fifty 
hand  in  spades,  with  an  extra  ace  and  king,  under- 
stand me,  when  I  happened  to  think  about  reading 
in  the  paper  where  the  Germans  is  going  to  build 
for  next  spring  submarines  in  extra  sized  six 
hundred  feet  long,  y 'understand,  and  the  con- 
sequence was  I  forget  to  meld  a  twenty  in  clubs 
and  lost  the  hand  by  eighteen  points.  Before  I  fell 
asleep  that  night  I  thought  it  over  that  Germany 
couldn't  build  such  a  big  submarine  as  the  papers 
claimed,  but  by  that  time  I  was  out  three  dollars 

117 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

on  the  hand,  anyway,  and  that's  the  way  war 
affects  me,  Mawruss." 

"Well,  that's  where  you  are  making  a  big  mis- 
take, Abe,"  Morris  commented,  "because  even 
when  the  articles  which  they  print  in  the  news- 
paper is  true,  y'understand,  if  you  only  stop  to 
figure  them  out  right,  Abe,  you  could  get  a  whole 
lot  of  encouragement  that  way.  Take,  for  in- 
stance, when  you  read  via  Amsterdam  that 
General  Hinolenberg  is  now  commanding  the 
western  front,  Abe,  and  with  some  people  that 
would  throw  a  big  scare  into  'em,  y'understand, 
but  with  me  not,  Abe,  because  the  way  I  look 
at  it  is  from  experience.  I've  known  lots  of 
fellers  from  seventy  to  seventy-five  years  old,  Abe, 
and  in  particular  my  wife's  mother's  a  brother 
Old  Man  Baum  in  the  cotton-converting  business. 
There's  a  feller  which  he  actually  went  to  work 
and  married  his  stenographer  when  he  was  seventy- 
two,  Abe,  and,  compared  to  an  undertaking  like 
that,  running  the  western  front  would  be  child's 
play,  Abe,  and  yet  when  all  was  said  and  done,  if 
he  went  to  theayter  Saturday  night  and  eats  after- 
ward a  little  chicken  a  la  King,  y'understand,  it 
was  a  case  of  ringing  up  a  doctor  at  three  o'clock 
Sunday  morning  while  his  wife's  relations  sat 
around  his  flat  figuring  the  inheritance  tax.  Now, 
take  Hindenberg  which  he  is  six  months  older  as 
Old  Man  Baum,  Abe,  and  what  that  feller  has 
went  through  in  the  last  three  years  two  lifetimes 
in  the  cotton-converting  business  wouldn't  be  a 
marker  to  it,  understand  me,  and  still  there  are 

118 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

people  which  is  worried  that  when  he  begins  to 
run  things  on  the  western  front,  it  is  going  to  be  a 
serious  matter  for  the  Allies,  instead  of  the 
Germans. 

"Yes,  Abe,*'  Morris  continued,  "with  all  the 
things  them  Germans  has  got  to  attend  to  on  the 
western  front,  it's  no  cinch  to  have  on  their  hands 
an  old  man  seventy-two  years  of  age,  which,  if 
anything  should  happen  to  the  old  Rosher,  like 
acute  indigestion  from  eating  too  much  gruel  or 
lumbago,  y'understand,  then  real  generals  on  the 
western  front  would  never  hear  the  end  of  it." 

"Ain't  Hindenberg  also  a  real  general?'*  Abe 
asked. 

"Not  an  old  man  like  that,  Abe,'*  Morris  replied. 
"He  used  to  was  a  real  general,  but  now  he  is  just 
a  mascot  for  the  Germans  and  a  bogey  man  for 
us,  which  I  bet  yer  the  most  that  feller  does  to 
help  along  the  war  is  to  wear  warm  woolen  under- 
wear, keep  out  of  draughts,  and  not  get  his  feet 
wet  under  any  circumstances  at  his  age.  Further- 
more, Abe,  I  ain't  so  sure  that  the  Germans  is 
withdrawing  so  many  soldiers  as  they  claim  from 
the  Russian  frontier,  neither,  y'understand,  be- 
cause the  way  them  Bolsheviki  has  swung  around 
to  Germany  must  sound  to  the  Kaiser  almost  too 
good  to  be  true,  and  I  bet  yer  also  he  figures  that 
maybe  it  isn't  because  nobody  knows  better  as 
the  Kaiser  how  much  reliance  you  could  place  on 
a  deal  between  one  country  and  another,  even 
when  it's  in  writing  and  signed  by  the  party  to  be 

charged,  which,  for  all  any  one  could  tell,  whether 
9  119 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Russia  is  now  a  government,  a  co-partnership,  a 
corporation,  or  only  so  to  speak  a  voluntary  asso- 
ciation, Abe,  the  Kaiser  might  just  as  well  sign 
his  peace  treaty  with  Pavlowa  and  Nordkin  as 
with  Lenine  and  Trotzky,  so  far  as  binding  the 
Russian  people  is  concerned/' 

"It  ain't  a  peace  treaty  which  them  fellers  wants 
to  sign,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "It's  a  bill  of  sale, 
which  I  see  that  Lenine  and  Trotzky  agrees  Ger- 
many should  import  goods  into  Russia  free  of  duty 
and  that  she  should  take  Russian  Poland  and 
Courland  and  a  lot  of  other  territory,  and  if  that's 
what  is  called  making  peace,  Mawruss,  then  you 
might  just  as  well  say  that  a  lawsuit  is  com- 
promised by  allowing  the  feller  which  sues  to  get 
a  judgment  and  have  the  sheriff  collect  on  it." 

"And  at  that,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "there  ain't 
a  German  merchant  which  wouldn't  be  only  too 
delighted  to  swap  his  rights  to  import  goods  into 
Russia  free  of  duty  after  the  war  for  three-quarters 
of  a  pound  of  porterhouse  steak  and  a  ten-cent 
loaf  of  white  bread  right  now,  which  the  way  food 
is  so  scarce  nowadays  in  Germany,  Abe,  when  a 
Berlin  business  man's  family  gets  through  with  the 
Sunday  dinner,  and  the  servant-girl  clears  off  the 
table,  there's  no  use  asking  should  she  give  the 
bones  to  the  dog,  because  the  chances  is  they  are 
the  dog,  understand  me.  As  for  sugar,  we  think 
we've  got  a  kick  coming  when  we  could  only  get 
two  teaspoonfuls  to  a  cup  of  coffee  for  five  cents, 
y'understand,  whereas  in  Germany  they  would 

consider  themselves  lucky  if  they  could  get  two 

120 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

teaspoonfuls  to  a  gallon  of  coffee  if  they  had  a 
gallon  of  coffee  in  the  entire  country,  understand 
me.  So  that's  the  way  it  goes  in  Germany, 
Abe;  the  people  ask  for  bread  and  they  give 
'em  a  report  on  Norwegian  steamers  sunk  by 
U-boats  during  the  current  week,  and  if  one  of 
the  steamers  was  loaded  with  sugar,  y'understand, 
that  ain't  going  to  be  much  satisfaction  to  a  Ger- 
man which  has  got  a  sweet  tooth  and  has  been 
trying  to  make  out  with  one  two-grain  saccharin 
tablet  every  forty-eight  hours,  neither." 

"But  the  Germans  seems  to  be  making  a  lot  of 
progress  every wheres,"  Abe  said. 

"Except  at  home,"  Morris  declared.  "Maybe 
the  German  people  still  feels  encouraged  when  the 
German  army  gets  ahold  of  more  territory,  Abe, 
but  it's  a  question  of  a  short  time  now  when  the 
German  people  is  going  to  realize  that  they  don't 
need  no  more  room  to  starve  in  than  they've  got 
at  present,  and  that  a  nation  can  go  broke  just  as 
comfortably  in  nine  hundred  thousand  square 
miles  as  it  can  in  nine  million  square  miles." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  one  thing 
Germany  has  fixed  already,  Mawruss,  and  that  is 
that  she  is  going  to  get  a  whole  lot  of  customers  in 
Russia." 

"Well,  if  she  does,"  Morris  commented,  "she'll 
have  to  provide  the  capital  to  set  them  customers 
up  in  business,  and  after  she  has  done  that,  Abe, 
she  will  have  to  hustle  around  to  drum  up  trade 
for  them  Russian  customers,  because  when  the 

Bolsheviki  get  through  with  their  fine  work  in 

121 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Russia,  Abe,  the  Russian  people  won't  have 
enough  purchasing  power  to  make  it  a  fair  territory 
for  a  salesman  with  a  line  of  five-and-ten-cent  store 
supplies.  So  if  Germany  started  this  here  war  to 
get  more  trade,  she's  already  licked." 

"Then  what  does  she  go  on  fighting  for?"  Abe 
asked.  "It  seems  to  me  that  if  we  saw  we 
couldn't  accomplish  nothing  by  going  on  fighting, 
Mawruss,  we'd  stop,  ain't  it?" 

"Sure  we  would,"  Morris  agreed.  "But  then, 
Abe,  we  'ain't  got  nothing  to  stop  us  from  stopping, 
because  we  ain't  fighting  for  the  sake  of  fighting, 
the  way  Von  Tirpitz,  Mackensen,  and  Ludendorff 
are  doing.  Take,  for  instance,  Von  Tirpitz,  and 
that  Rosher  insists  that  the  U-boats  is  going  to  win 
the  war,  so  it  don't  make  no  difference  to  him 
how  many  German  sailors  goes  down  in  U-boats, 
he's  going  to  keep  on  sending  out  U-boats  right 
up  to  the  time  the  German  people  shoots  him,  and 
his  last  words  will  be  that  the  reason  why  the 
U-boats  didn't  win  the  war  was  because  they 
didn't  have  a  fair  trial.  Then  there's  Mackensen 
and  Ludendorff  which  they've  got  their  idees  about 
how  the  war  should  be  won,  and  they  mean  to 
see  that  their  idees  continue  to  have  a  fair  trial 
till  there  ain't  enough  German  soldiers  alive  to 
give  them  idees  a  fair  trial,  and  that's  the  way  it 
goes,  Abe.  All  the  idees  that  we  want  to  give  a 
fair  trial  is  that  we  are  going  to  keep  on  fighting 
till  we've  proved  to  the  German  people  that  it 
don't  pay  to  back  up  the  Von  Tirpitz,  Ludendorff, 
and  Mackensen  idees." 

122 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"And  how  long  is  this  going  to  take?"  Abe 
inquired. 

"Not  so  long  as  you  think,  Abe,"  Morris  re- 
plied, "because  Germany  may  have  made  peace 
with  Russia,  but  she  has  still  got  fighting  against 
her  England,  France,  Italy,  America,  Starvation, 
Bad  Business,  Conceit,  Lies,  and  Stubbornness." 

"And  in  the  mean  time,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"what's  going  to  happen  to  us?" 

"Don't  worry  about  us,"  Morris  said.  "All 
America  has  got  to  do  is  to  try  to  be  an  optician 
and  look  on  the  bright  side  of  things,  and  she's 
bound  to  win  out  in  the  end." 


XIV 

THE     LIQUOR     QUESTION — SHALL     IT     BE     DRY     OR 
EXTRA   DRY? 

Light  wines  don't  harm  an  awful  lot  of  people,  for  the 
same  reason  that  there  ain't  much  pneumonia  caused 
by  people  getting  damp  from  using  finger-bowls. 

"VT'ES,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said,  the  day 
•*•  after  the  prohibition  amendment  was 
adopted  by  the  House  of  Representatives,  "there's 
a  lot  of  people  going  around  taking  credit  for  this 
here  prohibition  which  in  reality  is  living  examples 
of  the  terrible  effects  not  drinking  schnapps  has 
on  the  human  race — suppose  any  one  wanted  to 
argue  that  way — whereas  if  you  was  to  put  the 
people  wise  which  is  actually  responsible  for  the 
country  going  dry,  y'understand,  they  would  be 
too  indignant  to  call  you  a  liar  before  they  could 
hit  you  with  anything  that  lay  most  handy 
behind  the  bar  from  an  ice-pick  to  an  empty 
bottle,  understand  me.'* 

"I  always  had  an  idea  myself  that  what  was 
responsible  for  prohibition,  Abe,  was  that  the 
people  is  sore  at  booze,"  Morris  Perlmutter  re- 
torted. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.     "But  the  people 

124 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

would  be  just  so  sore  at  candy  if  the  fellers  which 
runs  candy-stores  acted  the  way  saloon-keepers 
does,  which  you  take  a  feller  like  this  here  Huyler, 
or  one  of  the  Smiths  in  the  cough-drop  business, 
and  we  would  say  his  name  is  Harris  Fine,  y 'under- 
stand, and  instead  of  attending  to  the  store  and 
poisining  people  mit  candy,  he  goes  to  work  to 
get  up  the  Harris  Fine  Association  and  gives  all 
the  eighteen-dollar-a-week  policemen  in  the  neigh- 
borhood to  understand  that  it's  equivalent  to  ten 
dollars  in  their  pockets  if  they  wouldn't  take  it  so 
particular  when  members  of  the  Harris  Fine 
Association  commits  a  little  thing  like  murder  or 
something,  verstehst  du  mich,  why  the  people  in 
the  same  block  which  wasn't  members  of  the 
Harris  Fine  Association  would  begin  to  think  that 
candy  was  getting  to  have  a  bad  influence  on  the 
neighborhood,  y'understand.  Then  if  Harris  Fine 
was  to  run  for  alderman  and  all  the  loafers  of  the 
eighth  ward  or  whatever  ward  he  was  alderman  of 
was  to  meet  in  the  back  room  of  his  candy-store, 
Mawruss,  the  respectable  Leute  which  couldn't  go 
past  Harris  Fine's  candy-store  without  hearing 
somebody  talking  rotten  language  would  go  home 
and  say  that  it  was  a  shame  and  a  disgrace  that 
the  eighth  ward  should  got  to  have  candy-stores 
in  it.  Afterward  when  he  has  been  an  alderman 
for  some  time,  Mawruss,  and  Harris  Fine  begins 
to  make  a  fortune  out  of  the  garbage-removal 
contracts  by  not  removing  garbage,  y'understand, 
and  also  as  a  side  line  to  candy  and  ice-cream  soda, 
does  an  elegant  business  in  asphalt-paving  which 

125 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

contains  one-tenth  of  one  per  cent,  asphalt,  y'un- 
derstand,  the  bad  reputation  which  candy  has  got 
it  in  the  eighth  ward  is  going  to  spread  throughout 
the  city,  Mawruss,  and  finally,  when  the  candy 
feller  starts  in  to  make  contracts  for  state  roads, 
candy  gets  a  black  eye  in  the  state  also,  and  it's 
only  a  question  of  time  before  the  candy-dealer 
would  go  to  Washington  and  put  over  a  rotten  deal 
on  the  national  government,  understand  me,  and 
then  people  like  you  and  me  which  never  touches 
so  much  as  a  little  piece  of  peanut-brittle,  Mawruss, 
starts  right  in  and  hollers  for  the  national  pro- 
hibition of  all  kinds  of  candy  from  gum-drops 
to  mixed  chocolates  and  bum-bums  at  a  dollar  and 
a  half  a  pound." 

"You  may  be  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but 
when  it  comes  right  down  to  Bright's  disease  and 
charoses  of  the  liver,  y 'understand,  politics  'ain't 
got  nothing  to  do  with  it,  because  it  doesn't  make 
no  difference  to  whisky  whether  a  feller  voted  for 
Wilson  oder  Hughes.  It  would  just  as  lieve  ruin 
the  health  and  prospects  of  a  Republican  as  a 
Democrat." 

"Whisky  might,"  Abe  admitted,  "but  how 
about  beer  and  light  wines,  Mawruss,  which  you 
know  as  well  as  I  do,  Mawruss,  a  loafer  must  got 
to  drink  an  awful  lot  of  beer  before  he  gets  drunk." 

"Well,  that's  what  makes  the  brewery  business 
good,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"But  don't  you  think  in  a  great  number  of 
cases,  Mawruss,  beer  is  drunk  to  squench  thirst?" 
Abe  asked. 

126 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"That's  the  way  it's  drunk  in  a  great  number  of 
cases — twenty-four  bottles  to  the  case,"  Morris 
said;  "but  if  the  same  people  was  to  drink  water 
the  way  they  drink  beer,  Abe,  instead  of  thirst 
you  would  think  it  was  goldfish  that  troubled 
them,  which  I  can  get  as  thirsty  as  the  next 
one,  Abe,  but  I  can  usually  manage  to  squench 
it  without  making  an  aquarium  out  of  myself 
exactly." 

"Aber  what  about  light  wines?"  Abe  inquired. 
"They  don't  harm  an  awful  lot  of  people,  Maw- 
russ." 

"They  don't  harm  an  awful  lot  of  people  for  the 
same  reason  that  there  ain't  much  pneumonia 
caused  by  people  getting  damp  from  using  finger- 
bowls,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because  so  far  as  I 
could  see  the  American  people  feels  the  same  way 
about  light  wines  as  they  do  about  finger-bowls. 
They  could  use  'em  and  they  could  let  'em  alone, 
and  they  feel  a  whole  lot  more  comfortable  when 
they're  letting  'em  alone  than  when  they're  using 
'em." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "I 
think  a  great  many  people  which  is  prejudiced 
against  light  wines  on  account  of  heartburn  is  lay- 
ing it  to  the  wine  instead  of  the  seventy-five-cent 
Italian  table-d'h6te  dinner  which  goes  with  it." 

"Yes,  and  it's  just  as  likely  to  be  the  cocktail 
which  went  before  it  as  the  glass  of  brandy  which 
came  after  it,  and  that's  the  trouble  with  beer 
and  light  wine,  Abe,"  Morris  declared.  "They 
usually  ain't  the  only  numbers  on  the  program, 

127 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

and  the  feller  which  starts  in  on  beer  and  light 
wines,  Abe,  soon  gets  such  a  big  repertoire  of 
drinks  that  he's  performing  on  the  bottle  day  and 
night,  y'understand,  which  saloon-keepers  knows 
better  than  anybody  else,  Abe,  because  if  you 
would  ask  a  saloon-keeper  oder  a  bartender  to 
have  something,  y'understand,  it's  a  hundred-to- 
one  proposition  that  he  takes  a  cigar  and  not  a 
glass  beer." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed.  "But  once  a  bar- 
tender draws  a  glass  beer,  before  he  could  use  it 
again,  he's  got  to  mark  off  so  much  for  deteriorat- 
ing that  it's  practically  a  total  loss,  whereas  he 
could  always  put  a  cigar  back  in  the  case  and  sell 
it  to  somebody  else  for  full  price  in  the  usual 
course  of  business." 

"Well,  that's  what  makes  the  saloon  business  a 
swindle  and  not  a  business,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 
"Just  imagine,  Abe,  if  you  and  me,  as  women's 
outer-garment  manufacturers,  was  to  lay  in  a 
line  of  ready-made  men's  overcoats  in  the  expecta- 
tion that  after  a  customer  has  bought  from  us  a  big 
order  he  is  going  to  blow  me  to  a  forty  regular 
and  you  to  a  forty-four  stout  which  we  would  put 
right  back  in  stock  as  soon  as  his  back  is  turned." 

"But  even  if  the  liquor  business  would  be  a 
dirty  business,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "you've  got 
to  consider  that  there's  a  whole  lot  of  people  which 
is  making  a  living  out  of  it,  like  bartenders  and 
fellers  working  in  distilleries,  and  if  they  get 
thrown  out  of  work,  y'understand,  their  wives 
and  children  is  going  to  be  just  as  hungry  as  if 

128 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  fellers  lost  their  jobs  in  a  respectable  business 
like  pants  or  plumbers'  supplies." 

"Say,"  Morris  exclaimed,  "if  you're  going  to 
have  sympathy  for  people  which  would  get  thrown 
out  of  jobs  by  prohibition,  Abe,  don't  use  it  all 
up  on  bartenders  and  fellers  working  in  distilleries, 
because  there's  a  whole  lot  of  other  crooks  whose 
families  are  going  to  be  short  of  spending-money 
when  liquor-selling  stops.  Take  them  boys  which 
is  running  poker-rooms,  faro-games,  and  roulette- 
wheels,  and  alcohol  is  just  as  necessary  to  their 
operation  as  ether  is  to  a  stomach  specialist's, 
because  the  human  bank-roll  is  the  same  as  the 
human  appendix,  Abe:  the  success  of  removing  it 
entirely  depends  on  the  giving  of  the  anesthetic. 
Then  there  is  the  lawyers — criminal,  accident,  and 
divorce — and  it  don't  make  no  difference  how 
their  clients  fell  or  what  they  fell  from — positions 
in  banks,  moving  street-cars,  or  as  nice  a  little 
woman  as  any  one  could  wish  for,  y'understand — 
schnapps  done  it,  Abe,  and  when  schnapps  goes, 
Abe,  the  practice  of  them  lawyers  goes  with  it." 

"Well,  they  still  got  their  diplomas,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "And  even  though  schnapps  is  pro- 
hibited, Mawruss,  there  will  be  enough  people 
left  with  the  real-estate  habit  to  give  them 
shysters  a  living,  anyhow,  but  you  take  them 
fellers  which  has  got  millions  of  dollars  invested 
in  machinery  for  the  manufacture  of  headache 
medicine,  Mawruss,  and  before  they  will  be  able 
to  figure  out  how  they  can  use  their  plants  for  the 
manufacture  of  war  supplies  they're  going  to  be 

129 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

their  own  best  customers,  which  little  did  them 
fellers  think  when  they  put  on  their  bottles, 

*  *  *  KEEP  IN  A  DRY  PLACE  WELL  CORKED  *  *  * 

that  people  was  going  to  take  them  so  seriously 
as  to  put  'em  right  out  of  business,  y 'under- 
stand." 

"But  there's  also  a  large  number  of  people  which 
is  going  to  lose  their  jobs  on  account  of  this  here 
prohibition,  Abe,  and  if  they  get  the  sympathy 
of  these  American  sitsons  which  is  laying  awake 
nights  worrying  about  how  the  Czar  is  getting 
along,  Abe,  it  would  be  big  already.  I  am  talking 
about  the  temperance  lecturers,"  Morris  declared, 
"which  if  it  wouldn't  be  for  them  fellers  pretty 
near  convincing  everybody  that  no  one  could  be 
happy  and  sober  at  the  same  time,  Abe,  it's  my 
idee  that  we  would  of  had  this  here  prohibition 
sohon  long  since  ago  already,  because  those  tem- 
perance lecturers  got  their  arguments  against 
drinking  schnapps  so  mixed  up  with  Sunday  base- 
ball, playing  billiards,  and  going  to  theayters,  pic- 
ture-galleries, and  libraries  on  Sunday,  Abe,  that 
some  people  which  visits  New  York  from  small 
towns  in  the  Middle  West  still  hesitates  about 
going  to  the  Metropolitan  Museum  of  Art  for  fear 
of  getting  a  hobnailed  liver  or  something." 

"At  that,  Mawruss,  this  here  prohibition  is  going 
to  hurt  some  businesses  like  the  jewelry  business," 
Abe  said,  "which  not  counting  the  millions  of 
carats  that  fellers  has  bought  to  square  themselves 
for  coming  home  at  all  hours  of  the  night,  y'under- 

130 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

stand,  there's  many  a  bar  pin  which  would  still 
be  in  stock  if  the  customer  hadn't  nerved  himself 
to  buying  it  with  a  couple  of  cocktails,  understand 
me.  Automobiles  is  the  same  way,  Mawruss,  and  if 
the  engineering  department  of  the  big  automobile 
concerns  is  now  busy  on  the  problem  of  making 
alcohol  a  substitute  for  gasolene,  Mawruss,  you 
can  bet  your  life  that  the  sales  department  is  just 
as  busy  trying  to  find  out  something  which  will  be 
a  substitute  for  alcohol,  because  when  a  feller  has 
made  up  his  mind  to  buy  a  five-passenger  touring- 
car,  Mawruss,  there  ain't  many  automobile  sales- 
men which  could  wish  a  seven-passenger  limousine 
on  him  by  working  him  with  a  couple  of  cups 
coffee,  y'understand." 

''Then  there  is  the  show  business,"  Morris  ob- 
served, "and  while  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  this 
here  prohibition  is  going  to  have  any  effect  on 
them  miserable  plays  where  the  girl  saves  the 
family  at  eight-forty-five  by  marrying  the  million- 
aire and  discovers  at  ten-forty-five  that  she  loves 
him  just  as  much  as  if  he  hadn't  any  rating,  so 
that  the  show  can  get  out  at  eleven-five,  y'under- 
stand, but  when  enough  states  has  adopted  the 
prohibition  amendment  to  pull  it  into  effect,  Abe, 
the  Midnight  Follies  as  a  business  proposition  will 
be  in  a  class  with  bar  fixtures  and  mass-kerseno 
cherries." 

"Well,  so  far  as  I'm  concerned,  any  show  that 
starts  in  at  twelve  o'clock  would  always  have  to 
get  along  without  my  trade,  prohibition  or  no 
prohibition,"  Abe  commented,  "even  though  I 

131 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

could  enjoy  it  on  nothing  stronger  than  malted 
milk/' 

"Which  you  couldn't,"  Morris  added,  "and 
there's  why  the  Midnight  Follies  wouldn't  last, 
because  not  only  is  this  here  prohibition  going  to 
kill  schnapps,  Abe,  but  it  is  also  going  to  drive  off 
the  market  for  all  articles  the  demand  for  which 
contains  more  than  one  per  cent,  alcohol/' 

"And  believe  me,  Mawruss,"  Abe  concluded, 
"no  decent,  respectable  man  is  going  to  miss  such 
articles,  neither/' 


XV 


POTASH  AND  PERLMTJTTER  ON  PEACE  WITH  VICTOEY 
AND   WITHOUT   BROKERS,   EITHER 

'  A  N  offer  is  anyhow  an  offer,  even  if  it  is 
•tV  turned  down,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said, 
the  day  after  Germany  proposed  terms  of  peace, 
"which  that  time  I  sold  Harris  Immerglick  them 
lots  in  Brownsville,  Mawruss,  the  first  proposition 
he  made  me  I  pretty  near  threw  him  down  the 
freight-elevator  shaft,  and  when  we  finally  closed 
the  deal  I  couldn't  tell  exactly  how  much  I  made 
on  them  lots — figuring  what  I  paid  in  taxes  and 
assessments  while  I  owned  'em,  but  it  must  have 
been,  anyhow,  five  hundred  dollars,  Mawruss, 
from  the  way  Immerglick  gives  me  such  a  cut- 
throat looks  whenever  he  sees  me  nowadays." 

"Everybody  ain't  so  easy  as  Harris  Immer- 
glick," Morris  Perlmutter  commented. 

"Maybe  not,"  Abe  admitted.  "But  Harris 
Immerglick  didn't  want  them  lots  not  nearly  as 
bad  as  the  Kaiser  wants  peace,  Mawruss,  so  while 
the  parties  to  the  proposed  contract  seems  to  be 
at  present  too  wide  apart  to  make  a  deal  likely, 
Mawruss,  at  the  same  time  I  look  to  see  the 
Kaiser  offer  a  few  concessions." 

133 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Perhaps  you're  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but 
while  the  Kaiser  may  have  control  of  enough 
property  so  as  to  throw  in  a  little  here  and  a  little 
there,  y'understand,  in  the  end  it  will  be  the 
boot  money  which  will  count,  Abe,  and  before  this 
deal  is  closed,  Abe,  you  could  bet  your  life  that 
not  only  would  the  parties  of  the  first  part  got 
to  give  up  Belgium,  Servia,  Rumania,  Poland, 
and  Alsace-Lorraine,  but  they  would  also  got  to 
pay  billions  and  billions  of  dollars  in  cash  or 
certified  check  upon  the  delivery  of  the  deed  and 
passing  of  title  under  the  said  contract,  and  don't 
you  forget  it.  So  if  some  of  them  railroad  presi- 
dents which  is  now  drawing  a  hundred  thousand  a 
year  salary,  Abe,  has  got  any  hopes  that  President 
Wilson  would  hold  up  taking  over  the  railroads 
pending  negotiations  for  peace,  y'understand,  they 
must  be  blessed  with  sanguinary  dispositions,  Abe, 
because  it's  going  to  take  a  long  time  yet  the 
Kaiser  would  concede  enough  to  justify  the  Allies 
in  so  much  as  hesitating  on  even  a  single  pair  of 
soldiers'  pants." 

"Say,  if  anybody  thinks  the  government  would 
let  go  the  railroads  when  we  make  peace  with 
Germany,  Mawruss,  he  don't  know  no  more  about 
railroads  as  he  does  about  governments,"  Abe 
declared,  "because  this  war  which  the  government 
has  got  with  the  railroads,  meat-packers,  oil 
trusts,  and  coal-mine  owners  wouldn't  end  when 
we've  licked  Germany  any  more  than  it  begun 
when  Von  Tirpitz  started  his  submarine  cam- 
paign. Yes,  Mawruss,  if  we  wouldn't  leave  off 

134 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

fighting  Germany  till  it's  agreed  that  no  fellers 
like  Von  Tirpitz,  Von  Buelow,  Von  Bethmann- 
Hollweg,  and  all  them  other  Vons  can  use  German 
subjects  and  German  property  for  their  own  per- 
sonal purposes,  why  it's  a  hundred-to-one  propo- 
sition that  we  ain't  going  to  leave  off  fighting  the 
railroads  till  it's  agreed  that  them  Von  Tirpitzes, 
Von  Buelows,  and  Von  Hindenbergs  of  the  Amer- 
ican railroads  couldn't  use  the  transportation 
business  of  this  country  for  stock-gambling  pur- 
pose as  though  the  railroads  was  gold  and  silver 
mining  prospects  somewhere  out  in  Nevada  and 
didn't  have  a  thing  to  do  with  the  food  and  coal 
supply  of  the  nation." 

"Wait  a  moment,"  Morris  said,  "and  I'll  ask 
Jake,  the  shipping-clerk,  to  bring  you  in  a  button- 
box.  We  'ain't  got  no  soap-boxes." 

"That  ain't  no  soap-box  stuff,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
retorted.  "If  the  government  should  do  the 
same  thing  to  the  meat-packers  as  they  did  to 
the  railroads,  Mawruss,  the  arguments  of  them 
soap-box  orators  wouldn't  have  a  soap-box  to 
stand  on." 

"Well,  if  the  government  thinks  it  is  necessary 
in  order  to  carry  on  the  war,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"it  will  grab  the  meat  business  like  it  has  taken 
over  the  railroads,  but  we've  got  enough  to  do  to 
supply  our  soldiers  with  ammunition  without  we 
would  spend  any  time  stopping  the  ammunition 
of  them  soap-box  fellers." 

"Of  course  I  may  be  wrong,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
admitted,  "but  the  way  I  look  at  it,  the  war  ain't 
10  135 


an  excuse  for  not  cleaning  up  at  home.  On  the 
contrary,  Mawruss,  I  think  it  is  an  opportunity 
for  cleaning  up,  and  when  I  see  in  the  papers  where 
people  writes  to  the  editors  that  the  prohibitionists, 
the  women  suffragists,  and  the  union  laborers 
should  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  themselves  for 
putting  up  arguments  when  the  country  is  so  busy 
over  the  war,  I  couldn't  help  thinking  that  there 
must  be  people  over  in  Germany  which  is  writing 
to  the  Tageszeitung  and  the  Freie  Presse  that  the 
German  Social  Democrats  and  Liberals  should 
ought  to  be  ashamed  of  themselves  for  putting 
up  arguments  about  the  Kaiser  giving  them  popu- 
lar government  when  Germany  is  so  busy  over  the 
war.  In  other  words,  it's  a  stand-off,  Mawruss, 
with  the  exception  that  the  Kaiser  'ain't  made  no 
speeches  so  far  that  Germany  would  never  make 
peace  with  America  till  the  millions  of  American 
women  which  'ain't  got  the  vote  has  some  say 
as  to  how  the  war  should  be  carried  on  and  what 
the  terms  of  peace  should  be." 

"Do  you  mean  to  say  that  women  not  having  the 
vote  puts  our  government  in  the  same  class  with 
Germany?"  Morris  demanded. 

"I  mean  to  say  that  the  proposition  of  German 
men  having  the  vote  sounds  just  so  foolish  to  the 
Kaiser  as  the  proposition  of  American  women 
having  the  vote  does  to  this  here  Eli  TJ.  Root," 
Abe  retorted,  "and  while  there  is  only  one  Kaiser 
in  Germany,  Mawruss,  we've  got  an  awful  lot  of 
Roots  in  America,  so  until  Congress  gives  women 
the  vote,  Mawruss,  the  Kaiser  will  continue  to 

136 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

have  an  elegant  come-back  at  President  Wilson 
for  that  proclamation  of  his." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "I  read 
this  here  proclamation  of  Mr.  Wilson's  when  it  was 
published  in  the  papers,  and  while  I  admit  that  it 
didn't  leave  so  big  an  impression  on  me  as  if  it 
would  of  been  a  murder  or  a  divorce  case,  y'under- 
stand,  yet  as  I  recollect  it,  Abe,  there  was  enough 
room  in  it,  so  that  if  the  German  terms  of  peace 
was  sufficiently  liberal,  y 'understand,  the  German 
popular  government  needn't  got  to  be  so  awful 
popular  but  what  it  couki  get  by,  understand  me." 

"That's  my  idee,  too,"  Abe  declared,  "and  while 
I  ain't  so  keen  like  this  here  Lord  Handsdown  or 
Landsdown,  or  whatever  the  feller's  name  is, 
that  we  should  jump  right  in  and  ask  the  Kaiser 
if  that's  the  best  he  could  do  and  how  long  would 
he  give  us  to  think  it  over,  y'understand,  yet 
you've  got  to  remember  that  we've  all  had  experi- 
ences with  fellers  like  Harris  Immerglick,  Maw- 
russ,  and  if  the  Allies  would  go  at  this  thing  in  a 
business-like  way,  y'understand,  it  might  be  a 
case  of  going  ahead  with  our  business,  which  is 
war,  and  at  the  same  time  keeping  an  eye  on  the 
brokers  in  the  transaction." 

"I  don't  want  to  wake  you  up  when  you've  got 
such  pleasant  dreams,  Abe,"  Morris  interrupted, 
"but  the  Allies  is  going  to  need  all  the  eyes  they've 
got  during  the  next  year  or  so,  and  a  few  binoculars 
and  periscopes  wouldn't  go  so  bad,  neither." 

"All  right,"  Abe  said,  "then  don't  keep  an  eye 
on  the  brokers,  but  just  the  same  we  could  afford 

137 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

to  let  the  matter  rest,  because  you  know  what 
brokers  are,  Mawruss:  when  it  comes  to  putting 
through  a  swap,  the  principals  could  be  a  couple 
of  hard-boiled  eggs  that  would  sooner  make  a 
present  of  their  properties  to  the  first-mortgagees 
than  accept  the  original  terms  offered,  y'under- 
stand,  but  the  brokers  never  give  up  hope." 

"What  are  you  talking  about — brokers?"  Mor- 
ris exclaimed.  "There  ain't  no  brokers  in  a  peace 
transaction." 

"Ain't  there?"  Abe  retorted.  "Well,  if  this 
here  Czernin  ain't  the  broker  representing  Austria 
and  Germany,  what  is  he?  I  can  see  the  feller 
right  now,  the  way  he  walks  into  Trotzky  & 
Lenine's  office  with  one  of  them  real-estater 
smiles  that  looks  as  genwine  as  a  twenty-dollar 
fur-lined  overcoat. 

"'Wie  gehts,  Mr.  Trotzky!'  he  says,  like  it's 
some  one  he  used  to  every  afternoon  drink  coffee 
together  ten  years  ago  and  has  been  wondering 
ever  since  what's  become  of  him  that  he  'ain't 
seen  him  so  long.  Only  in  this  case  it  happens 
to  be  Lenine  he's  talking  to. 

"'Mr.  Trotzky  ain't  in.  This  is  his  partner, 
Mr.  Lenine,'  Lenine  says. 

"'Not  Barnett  Lenine  used  to  was  November 
&  Lenine  in  the  neckwear  business?'  Czernin  says. 

"No,'  Lenine  says,  and  although  Czernin  tries 
to  look  like  he  expected  as  much,  it  kind  of  takes 
the  zip  out  of  him,  anyhow. 

"Let's  see/  he  says,  'this  must  be  Chatskel 
Lenine,  married  a  daughter  of  old  man  Josephthal 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

and  has  got  a  sister  living  in  Toledo,  Ohio,  by  the 
name  Rifkin.  The  husband  runs  a  clothing-store 
corner  of  Tenth  and  Main,  ain't  it?' 

"This  time  he's  got  him  cornered,  and  Lenine 
has  to  admit  it,  so  Czernin  shakes  hands  with  him 
and  gives  him  the  I.  O.  M.  A.  grip,  with  just  a  sug- 
gestion of  the  Knights  of  Phthias  and  Free  Sons  of 
Courland. 

"'My  name  is  Czernin — Sig  Czernin/  he  says. 
'I  see  you  don't  remember  me.  I  met  you  at  the 
house  of  a  party  by  the  name  Linkheimer  or  Link- 
man,  I  forget  which,  but  the  brother,  Harris 
Linkheimer — I  remember  now,  it  was  Linkheimer 
—went  to  the  Saint  Louis  Exposition  and  was 
never  heard  of  afterward.' 

"My  tzuris!'  Lenine  says,  but  this  don't  feaze 
Czernin. 

'You  see,'  he  says,  *I  never  forget  a  face.' 

"'And  you  'ain't  got  such  a  bad  memory  for 
names,  neither,'  Lenine  tells  him. 

"That  ain't  neither  here  nor  there/  Czernin 
says,  'because  if  your  name  would  be  O'Brien 
or  something  Swedish,  even,  I  got  here  a  propo- 
sition, Mr.  Lenine,  which  it's  a  pleasure  to  me 
that  I  got  the  opportunity  of  offering  it  to  you, 
and  even  if  I  do  say  so  myself,  y'understand, 
such  a  gilt-edged  proposition  like  this  here  ain't 
in  the  market  every  day.' 

"And  that's  the  way  Czernin  sprung  them  peace 
propositions  on  Lenine  &  Trotzky,  and  it  don't 
make  no  difference  that  in  this  particular  instance 
it's  practically  a  case  of  Lenine  &  Trotzky  accept- 

139 


ing  whatever  proposition  the  Kaiser  wants  to 
put  to  them,  y'understand,  when  it  comes  to 
dickering  with  the  Allies  which  can  afford  to  act 
so  independent  to  the  Kaiser  that  if  Czernin  is 
lucky  he  won't  get  thrown  down-stairs  more  than 
a  couple  of  times,  y'understand.  He  will  come 
right  back  with  the  names  and  family  histories  of 
a  few  more  common  acquaintances  and  a  couple 
of  more  concessions  on  the  part  of  Germany,  time 
after  time,  until  it  '11  begin  to  look  like  peace  is  in 
sight." 

"I  wish  you  was  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but 
I  think  you  will  find  that  this  here  peace  contract 
will  be  in  charge  of  the  diplomats  and  not  the  real- 
estaters." 

"Well,  what's  the  difference?"  Abe  asked. 

"Probably  there  ain't  any,"  Morris  admitted, 
"because  their  methods  is  practically  the  same, 
which  when  countries  goes  to  war  on  account  of 
treaties  they  claim  the  other  country  broke, 
y'understand,  it's  usually  just  so  much  the  fault 
of  the  diplomats  which  got  'em  to  sign  the  treaties 
originally,  as  when  business  men  get  into  a  law- 
suit over  a  real-estate  contract,  it  is  the  fault  of 
the  real-estate  brokers  in  the  transaction.  So 
therefore,  Abe,  unless  we  want  to  make  a  peace 
treaty  with  Germany  which  would  sooner  or  later 
end  up  in  another  war,  y'understand,  the  best 
thing  for  America  to  do  is  to  depend  for  peace  not 
on  brokers  oder  diplomats,  but  on  airyoplanes  and 
guns  with  the  right  kind  of  soldiers  to  work  'em. 
Furthermore,  after  we've  got  the  Germans  back  of 

140 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  Rhine  will  be  plenty  of  time  to  talk  about 
entering  into  peace  contracts  with  the  Kaiser, 
because  then  there  will  be  nothing  left  for  the 
Rosher  to  dicker  about,  and  all  we  will  have  to  do 
in  the  way  of  diplomacy  will  be  to  say,  *Sign  here,' 
and  he'll  sign  there." 


XVI 

POTASH   AND    PEELMUTTER    ON    KEEPING    IT    DAKK 

"  T  GOT  a  circular  letter  from  this  here  Garfield 
•••  where  he  says  we  should  keep  the  temperature 
of  our  rooms  down  to  sixty-eight  degrees,"  Abe 
Potash  remarked  during  the  recent  below-zero 
spell  in  New  York. 

"What  do  you  mean — down  to  sixty-eight  de- 
grees?" Morris  Perlmutter  said.  "If  a  feller 
which  lives  in  a  New  York  City  apartment-house 
nowadays  could  get  the  temperature  of  his  rooms 
as  high  as  down  to  forty-eight  degrees,  y'under- 
stand,  it's  only  because  some  of  the  tenants  'ain't 
come  across  with  the  janitor's  present  yet  and  he 
still  has  hopes.  Yes,  Abe,  a  circular  like  that 
might  do  some  good  in  Pasadena  oder  Pallum 
Beach,  y'understand,  but  it's  wasted  here  in  New 
York." 

"There's  bound  to  be  a  whole  lot  of  waste  in 
them  don't-waste-nothing  circulars,"  Abe  com- 
mented, "because  plenty  of  people  is  getting  letters 
from  the  Food  Conservation  Commission  to  go 
slow  on  sugar  which  'ain't  risked  taking  even  a 
two-grain  saccharin  tablet  in  years  already,  and 

142 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  chances  is  that  there  has  been  tons  and  tons 
of  circulars  sent  out  to  other  people  which  on 
account  of  their  livers  oder  religions  wouldn't  on 
any  account  eat  the  articles  of  food  which  the 
circulars  begs  them  on  no  account  to  eat,  y'under- 
stand." 

"And  next  year  them  circulars  will  be  still  less 
necessary  because  enough  people  is  going  to  get 
rheumatism  from  living  in  cold  rooms  to  cut  down 
the  consumption  of  red  meats  over  fifty  per  cent./' 
Morris  observed. 

"Well,  something  has  got  to  be  done  to  make 
people  go  slow  on  using  up  coal,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "which  the  way  it  is  now,  Mawruss,  twice 
as  much  coal  is  burned  in  one  night  to  manufacture 
electricity  for  a  sky  sign  saying  that  *  Toasted 
Sawdust  Is  the  Perfect  Breakfast  Food'  on  ac- 
count it  is  made  only  from  the  best  grades  of 
Tennessee  yellow  pine,  y'understand,  as  would 
run  an  airyoplane-factory  for  a  week,  understand 
me,  and  children  is  fooling  away  their  time  in  the 
streets  because  if  coal  is  used  to  heat  the  school 
buildings,  y'understand,  there  wouldn't  be  enough 
left  for  the  really  important  things  like  lighting 
up  the  fronts  of  vaudeville  theayters  with  the 
names  of  actors  or  telling  lies  about  the  mileage 
of  automobile  tires  by  means  of  a  couple  of  million 
electric  lights  every  night  from  sunset  to  sunrise, 
understand  me." 

"Still  there's  a  good  deal  to  be  said  on  the  other 
side,  Abe,"  Morris  retorted,  "which  if  the  new 
coal  regulations  is  going  to  make  an  end  of  the  sky 

143 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

signs,  it  will  cut  off  practically  all  the  reading 
that  most  New-Yorkers  do  outside  of  the  news- 
papers, y 'understand.  Then  again  there's  a  whole 
lot  of  people  aside  from  stockholders  in  electric- 
lighting  companies  which  used  to  make  a  good 
living  out  of  them  sky  signs.  For  instance,  what's 
going  to  become  of  the  fellers  that  manufactured 
them  and  the  firm  of  certified  public  accountants 
nebich  which  lost  the  job  of  adding  up  the  figures 
on  the  meters,  because  while  any  Schlemiel  with 
a  good  imagination  would  be  trusted  to  read  the 
ordinary  meter,  Abe,  the  job  of  figuring  the 
damages  on  a  sky  sign  which  is  eating  up  a  couple 
of  million  kilowatt-years  every  twenty  minutes 
is  something  else  again." 

"And  yet,  Mawruss,  while  I  'ain't  got  such  a 
soft  heart  that  I  could  even  have  sympathy  for  an 
electric-lighting  company,  understand  me,  still  I 
am  sorry  to  see  them  sky  signs  go,"  Abe  said,  "be- 
cause lots  of  fellers  from  the  small  towns,  members 
of  rotary  clubs  and  the  like,  used  to  get  a  great 
deal  of  pleasure  from  seeing  a  kitten  made  out  of 
three  hundred  thousand  electric  bulbs  playing 
with  a  spool  of  silk  made  out  of  five  hundred  and 
fifty  thousand  bulbs,  and  there  was  something 
very  fascinating  about  watching  that  automobile 
tire  which  used  to  light  up  and  go  out  every  once 
in  a  while  somewheres  around  the  upper  end  of 
Times  Square." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said.  "But  if  you  was 
spending  your  good  money  for  such  an  advertised 
tire,  Abe,  it  wouldn't  be  very  fascinating  to  watch 

144 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

it  blow  out  every  once  in  a  while  on  account  the 
manufacturer  had  to  skimp  the  rubber  in  order  to 
pay  the  electric-light  bills,  Abe,  and  if  any  of  them 
members  of  rotary  clubs  is  in  the  dry-goods  busi- 
ness and  has  to  pay  fancy  prices  for  spool  silk, 
Abe,  they  are  oser  going  to  thank  the  salesmen  for 
the  good  time  they  put  in  while  in  New  York 
rubbering  at  his  firm's  sky  sign,  because  you  know 
as  well  as  I  do,  Abe,  when  it  comes  right  down  to  it, 
nothing  costs  a  customer  so  much  as  free  enter- 
tainment." 

"Of  course,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "the  idee  of 
them  electric  sky  signs  is  not  to  entertain,  but 
to  advertise,  and  as  an  advertising  man  told 
me  the  other  day,  Mawruss,  the  advertised  article 
is  just  as  low  in  price  as  the  same  article  would 
be  if  unadvertised,  the  reason  being  that  the 
advertised  article's  output  is  greater  and  that 
he  wanted  me  to  advertise  in  the  Daily  Cloak 
and  Suit  Record.'9 

"Well,  certainly,  if  the  output  is  greater  the  cost 
of  production  is  or  should  ought  to  be  less," 
Morris  observed,  "so  I  think  the  feller  was  right 
at  that,  Abe." 

"That's  what  I  told  him,"  Abe  continued,  "but 
I  also  said  that  if  I  would  put  for  fifty  cents 
a  day  an  advertisement  in  the  paper,  y 'under- 
stand, my  partner  would  never  let  me  hear  the 
end  of  it." 

"Is  that  so!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "Since  when 
did  I  kick  that  we  shouldn't  do  no  advertising?" 

"Never  mind,"  Abe  retorted.     "I  heard  you 

145 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

speak  often  about  advertising  the  same  like  you 
done  just  now  about  sky  signs,  which  it  is  already 
a  back-number  idee  that  advertising  raised  the 
price  of  goods  to  the  customer  and — " 

"Listen!"  Morris  interrupted.  "If  I  would  got 
it  such  a  back-number  idees  like  you,  Abe,  I 
would  put  myself  into  a  home  for  chronic  Free- 
masons or  something,  which  I  always  was  in  favor 
of  advertising,  except  that  I  believe  there  is 
advertising  and  advertising,  Abe,  and  when  an 
advertisement  only  makes  you  think  of  what  it 
costs,  instead  of  what  it  advertises,  like  sky  signs, 
y 'understand,  to  me  it  ain't  an  advertisement  at 
all.  It's  just  a  warning." 

"Did  I  say  it  wasn't?"  Abe  asked.  "The  way 
you  talk,  Mawruss,  you  would  think  I  was  in  favor 
of  electric  signs,  whereas  I  believe  that  in  times 
like  these  a  very  little  publicity  goes  an  awful 
long  ways,  Mawruss,  which  if  them  Congressmen 
down  in  Washington  was  requested  by  the  Coal 
Commission  to  keep  it  a  trifle  dark  and  not  use 
up  so  much  candle-power  in  advertising  the  mis- 
takes that  has  been  made  by  some  fellers  now 
working  for  the  government  which  'ain't  had 
as  much  experience  in  covering  up  their  tracks 
as,  we  would  say,  for  example,  a  Congressman, 
Mawruss,  that  wouldn't  do  no  harm,  neither." 

"It  ain't  a  question  of  covering  tracks,  Abe," 
Morris  declared,  "because  them  business  men 
which  is  now  working  for  the  government  are  per- 
fectly honest,  although  they  do  make  mistakes  in 
their  jobs  and  get  rattled  easy  on  the  witness- 

146 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

stand,  which  if  such  fellers  was  dishonest,  Abe, 
even  a  Congressman  would  know  enough  not  to 
advertise  it." 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,  Mawruss,"  Abe  declared, 
"them  Congressmen  ain't  calculating  to  adver- 
tise anybody  or  anything  but  themselves.  Yes, 
Mawruss,  the  way  some  United  States  Senators 
acts  you  would  think  they  was  trying  to  get  a 
national  reputation  as  first-class,  cracker-jack,  A- 
number-one  police-court  lawyers,  and  the  expert 
manner  in  which  they  can  confuse  and  worry  a 
high-grade  Diston  who  is  sacrificing  his  time  and 
money  to  help  out  the  government  and  make  him 
appear  a  crook,  y'understand,  must  be  a  source 
of  great  satisfaction  to  the  folks  back  home — in 
Germany. 

"And  it  certainly  ain't  helping  to  win  the  war 
any,  Mawruss,  which  most  people  would  get  the 
idee  from  reading  the  accounts  of  it  in  the  news- 
papers that  Mr.  Hoover  was  tried  by  the  United 
States  Senate  and  found  guilty  of  boosting  the 
price  of  sugar  in  the  first  degree." 

"Well,  in  that  case,  Abe,"  Morris  suggested, 
"even  if  we  are  a  little  short  of  fuel  it  would  of 
been  better  for  the  sugar  situation,  and  maybe 
also  the  wool  uniforms  also,  if,  instead  of  getting 
publicity  through  investigations,  y'understand,  the 
United  States  Senate  would  fix  up  an  electric  sign 
for  the  front  of  the  Capitol  at  Washington  and 
make  Senator  Reed  the  top-liner  in  big  letters  like 
Eva  Tanguay  or  Mr.  Louis  Mann,  because  here  in 
America  we've  got  incandescent  bulbs  to  burn, 

147 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Abe,  but  we  have  only  one  Hoover,  and  we  should 
ought  to  take  care  of  him." 

"Understand  me,  Mawruss,"  Abe  declared,  em- 
phatically, "it  ain't  that  I  object  to  a  certain 
amount  of  light  being  thrown  on  the  mistakes  that 
is  made  in  running  the  war,  if  it  wasn't  that  they 
keep  everything  so  dark  about  the  progress  that  is 
also  made — the  submarines  we  are  sinking,  the 
number  of  soldiers  we've  got  it  in  France,  and 
what  them  boys  is  doing  over  there,  and  while  I 
know  there's  good  reasons  for  it,  maybe  it's  like 
this  here  Broadway  proposition — it  pays  to  keep 
it  dark,  but  it  might  pay  better  to  keep  it  light, 
which  I  understand  that  all  the  lighting  company 
saves  in  coal  by  cutting  out  the  sky  signs  is  less 
than  thirty  tons  a  night." 

"Thirty  tons  a  night  would  warm  a  whole  lot 
of  people,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed.  "But  even  at  ten 
dollars  a  ton,  Mawruss,  it  would  be  only  a  saving 
of  three  hundred  dollars,  which  I  bet  yer  some 
restaurants  on  Broadway  has  lost  that  much 
money  apiece  since  the  lighting  orders  went  into 
effect." 

"That  may  be,"  Morris  admitted,  "but  what  the 
Coal  Commission  is  trying  to  save  ain't  money, 
Abe.  It's  coal.  And  that  is  one  of  the  points 
about  this  war  that  people  'ain't  exactly  realized 
yet.  Money  ain't  what  it  once  used  to  was  before 
this  war,  Abe.  You  can  still  make  it,  lose  it,  spend 
it,  and  save  it,  but  you  couldn't  sweeten  your 
coffee  with  it  or  heat  your  house  with  it  till 

148 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

there's  sugar  and  coal  enough  to  go  around. 
Also  it's  only  a  question  of  time  when  money 
won't  get  you  to  Pallum  Beach  in  the  winter  or 
Maine  in  the  summer  unless  the  government 
official  in  charge  of  the  railroads  thinks  it  is  neces- 
sary, and  also  if  this  war  only  goes  on  long  enough 
and  wool  gets  any  scarcer,  Abe,  money  won't  buy 
you  a  new  pair  of  pants  even  until  you  can  put 
up  a  good  enough  argument  with  it  to  convince  a 
government  pants  inspector  that  it's  a  case  of 
either  buying  a  new  pair  of  pants  or  a  frock-coat 
to  make  the  old  ones  decent,  understand  me." 

"But  the  papers  has  said  right  straight  along 
that  money  would  win  this  war,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said. 

"Yes,  and  it  could  lose  it,  too,  according  to  the 
way  it  is  spent,"  Morris  continued,  "and  par- 
ticularly right  now  when  money  can  still  buy 
things  which  the  government  needs  for  the 
soldiers,  y'understand,  money  is  a  dangerous 
article  in  the  hands  of  some  people  who  think 
that  the  feller  which  don't  feel  the  high  price  of 
sugar  is  more  privileged  to  eat  it  than  the  feller 
which  could  barely  afford  it." 

"Even  so,"  Abe  remarked,  "it  seems  to  me  that 
not  spending  money  must  be  an  easy  way  to  be 
patriotic." 

"And  some  fellers  is  just  natural-born  patriots 
that  way,"  Morris  added,  "and  if  they  ain't, 
y'understand,  the  war  is  going  to  make  them. 
It's  going  to  give  the  rich  man  the  same  chance 
to  be  a  good  sitson  as  the  poor  man,  and  it's  made 

149 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

a  fine  start  by  taking  the  lights  off  of  Broadway 
so  that  you  couldn't  tell  it  from  a  respectable 
street,  like  Lexington  Avenue." 

"Couldn't  a  street  be  lighted  up  and  still  be 
respectable?"  Abe  asked. 

"Yes,  and  a  rich  man  could  spend  his  money 
foolishly  and  also  be  respectable,"  Morris  agreed, 
"but  not  in  war-times." 


XVII 

POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  ON  THE  PEACE  PROGRAM, 

INCLUDING  THE  ADDED  EXTRA  FEATURE  AND 

THE  SUPPER  TURN 

"TT  seems  that  this  here  Luxberg,  the  German 
•••  representative  in  Argentine  which  sent  them 
spurlos  versenkt  letters,  has  been  crazy  for  years, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said,  one  morning  in 
January. 

"Yes?"  Morris  Perlmutter  said.  "And  when 
did  they  find  that  out,  Abe?" 

"It's  an  old  story,  Mawruss,"  Abe  replied. 
"Everybody  knew  it  in  Berlin,  only  they  never 
happened  to  think  of  it  until  we  discovered  those 
letters  in  the  private  mail  of  the  Swedish  minister." 

"And  what  do  they  lay  the  Swedish  minister's 
behavior  to,  Abe?"  Morris  inquired.  "Stomach 
trouble?" 

"  That  they  didn't  say,"  Abe  continued.  "But 
I  guess  they  figure  that  Sweden  should  think  up 
her  own  alibis." 

"Well,  it's  a  hopeful  sign  when  the  Germans 
realize  that  them  Luxberg  letters  sound  like  the 
idees  of  a  crazy  man,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "although 

11  151 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

compared  to  Zimmermann's  break  about  handing 
Mexico  a  couple  of  our  Southern  states  if  she  went 
to  war  with  us,  y'understand,  Luxberg's  letters 
ain't  so  meshuggah,  neither.  So  it  seems  to  me, 
Abe,  that  Germany  would  be  doing  well  to  say 
that  Luxberg  was  drunk  when  he  wrote  them  let- 
ters, because  later  when  it  comes  to  explaining  the 
hundreds  of  rotten  acts  that  Germans  has  done 
in  this  war,  Abe,  Germany  is  going  to  have  to 
think  up  a  lot  of  excuses,  and  she  may  as  well  keep 
the  insanity  defense  for  somebody  who  would 
really  need  it,  like  the  Kaiser." 

"Don't  worry  about  the  Kaiser,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said.  "For  years  already  that  feller  has  been 
getting  up  such  strong  evidence  for  an  insanity 
defense,  in  the  way  of  speeches  to  soldiers,  y'under- 
stand, that  he  could  feel  absolutely  safe  in  not 
•only  doing  what  he  has  been  doing,  but  also  what 
Doctor  Waite  and  Harry  Thaw  did,  too,  because 
all  that  the  counsel  for  the  defense  would  got  to 
do  is  to  read  the  Kaiser's  remarks  at  Koenigsburg, 
for  instance,  and  five  minutes  after  the  jury  had  re- 
turned a  verdict  without  leaving  their  seats,  y'un- 
derstand, the  Kaiser  would  be  on  his  way  up  to  the 
Matteawan  Asylum  for  the  Criminal  Insane." 

"There  ain't  much  danger  of  that,  anyway," 
Morris  declared,  "because  I  read  them  fourteen 
propositions  of  Mr.  Wilson's  peace  program,  and 
so  far  as  any  mention  is  made  of  punishing  the 
guilty  parties,  Abe,  you  might  suppose  the 
Lusitania  had  never  been  sunk  at  all,  which  it 
may  be  dumbness  on  my  part,  Abe,  but  the  way 

152 


"And  five  minutes  after  the  jury  had  returned  a 
verdict  would  be  on  his  way  up  to  the  Matteawan 
Asylum  for  the  Criminal  Insane." 


it  looks  to  me  is  that  if  them  fourteen  propositions 
is  fourteen  net,  and  not  ten,  five,  and  two  and  one- 
half  off  for  cash,  understand  me,  we  have  got  to 
give  Germany  such  a  big  licking  before  she  accepts 
them  that  we  might  just  so  well  give  her  a  bigger 
one  and  add  propositions  from  fifteen  to  twenty 
inclusive,  of  which  proposition  sixteen  would  con- 
tain the  same  demands  as  proposition  fifteen,  ex- 
cept that  the  person  upon  whom  the  sentence  was 
to  be  carried  out  would  be  the  Crown  Prince  in- 
stead of  the  Kaiser,  but  no  flowers  in  either  case, 
understand  me,  and  if  twenty  propositions  wasn't 
enough  to  take  care  of  all  the  responsible  parties 
we  could  add  as  many  more  propositions  as 
necessary." 

"What  you  are  trying  to  fix  up,  Mawruss,  ain't 
a  program,  but  a  catalogue,  Mawruss,"  Abe  com- 
mented, "which  if  we  want  to  get  a  performance 
of  Mr.  Wilson's  program,  y 'understand,  and 
they're  going  to  have  a  lot  of  trouble  putting  that 
number  over  with  a  satisfactory  sea,  on  account 
they  would  either  have  to  paint  a  sea,  dig  a  sea, 
or  have  some  sort  of  a  sea  effect,  because  Poland 
is  like  Iowa,  Mawruss — the  only  time  you  could 
get  a  glimpse  of  the  sea  there  is  when  they  run 
off  one  of  them  Annette  Kellermann  filums  in  a 
moving-picture  theayter." 

"That  only  goes  to  show  what  you  know  from 
Poland,"  Morris  retorted,  "because  in  seventeen 
ninety-three  a  lot  of  the  sea-front  of  Prussia  be- 
longed to  Poland." 

"Yes,  and  in  seventeen  ninety-three  a  lot  of  the 

153 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

sea-front  of  Texas  belonged  to  Mexico,"  Abe  con- 
tinued. "So  I  guess  Mr.  Wilson  must  have  some 
sea  in  mind  which  ain't  barred  by  the  statue  of 
limitations;  but  that  ain't  here  nor  there,  because 
getting  a  sea  to  Poland  ain't  the  biggest  difficulty 
in  carrying  out  the  peace  program.  Take,  for 
instance,  number  six  on  the  program,  which  is  a 
proposed  turn  or  act  by  all  the  Allies,  entitled, 
'Welcoming  Russia  into  the  Society  of  Free 
Nations.'  The  directions  is  that  the  performers 
should  give  Russland  all  sorts  of  assistance  of  every 
kind  that  she  may  need,  and  also  to  behave  kindly 
to  her,  y 'understand,  and  no  sooner  does  Mr. 
Wilson  come  out  with  this,  so  to  speak  sob  scenario, 
understand  me,  than  Trotzky  &  Lenine  get  right 
back  at  him  with  a  counter-proposition,  so  I  guess 
that  the  present  number  six  will  be  taken  out  of 
the  program,  and  another  number  substituted  for 
it,  like  this: 

VI 

Extra  Added  Feature,  the  Popular  Russian  Dramatic  Stars 
in  R61es  that  Suit  Them  to  Perfection 

LEON  TROTZKY  &  LENINE  BARNEY 

In  'Nix  on  the  Bonds,'  a  Playlet  with  a  Punch. 

Suspense,  Surprise,  Finish,  and  All  the  Fixings  that  Make  a 

Snappy  Dramatic  Entertainment  in  Tabloid  Form." 

"The  mistake  that  Mr.  Wilson  made  in  number 
six  on  the  program  was  that  he  took  it  for  granted 
when  the  Allies  welcomed  Russland  into  the 

154 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

Society  of  Free  Nations,  Russia  would  behave 
like  a  new  member  should  ought  to  behave,  in- 
stead of  which  Russia  started  right  in  by  giving  a 
bad  check  for  her  initiation  fees  and  first  annual 
dues,"  Morris  said.  "She  has  also  got  out  of  the 
United  States  railroad  supplies,  munitions,  and 
food,  y 'understand,  and  after  giving  bonds  in  pay- 
ment, Abe,  she  turns  right  round  and  refuses  to 
make  good  on  'em  and  at  the  same  time  prac- 
tically says,  'What  are  you  going  to  do  about  it?' 
and  all  this  is  right  on  top  of  Mr.  Wilson  saying, 
'The  treatment  accorded  to  Russia  by  her  sister 
nations,'  y'understand,  'in  the  months  to  come,' 
verstehst  du  mich, '  will  be  the  acid  test  of  their  good- 
will,' understand  me,  'and  of  their  intelligent  and 
unselfish  sympathy.' ' 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  remarked,  "the 
English  which  I  learned  it  at  night  school,  Maw- 
russ,  was  more  or  less  a  popular-price  line  of  lan- 
guage, and  when  Mr.  Wilson  comes  across  every 
once  in  a  while  with  one  of  them  exclusive  models 
in  the  way  of  speeches,  using  principally  high- 
grade  words  in  imported  designs,  understand  me, 
I  ain't  no  more  equipped  to  handle  his  stuff  than 
a  manufacturer  of  fly-papers  is  to  make  flying- 
machines,  but  as  an  ignorant  business  man,  Maw- 
russ,  which  you  would  be  the  last  person  to  admit 
that  I  ain't,  Mawruss,  it  seems  to  me  that  the  acid 
test  of  our  good-will  is  not  going  to  be  the  way  we 
treat  Russland,  but  the  way  Russia  treats  us;  and, 
in  fact,  Mawruss,  Russia  already  poured  a  little 
acid  on  us  long  before  this.  But  now  when  she 

155 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

renigs  on  her  bonds  and  practically  gives  us  a 
whole  bathful  of  acid,  Mawruss,  for  my  part  the 
treatment  needn't  go  on  for  months  to  come.  I 
am  satisfied  with  the  acid  test  so  far  as  it's  gone 
this  month,  Mawruss,  because  it  don't  make  no 
difference  what  kind  of  acid  you  use,  Mawruss,  a 
dead  beat  is  a  dead  beat,  understand  me,  and  for 
a  dead  beat  nobody  has  got  any  sympathy — either 
intelligent  or  unselfish,  or  unintelligent  and  selfish. 
Am  I  right  or  wrong,  Mawruss?" 

"I  wouldn't  worry  my  head  over  that  if  I  was 
you,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because,  as  you  said 
just  now,  Russland  will  attend  to  that  number 
on  the  program  for  herself.  But  what  is  troubling 
me  is  number  one,  which  provides  that  peace 
shall  be  made  openly,  and  at  the  same  time  does 
away  with  the  possibility  that  some  afternoon 
when  you  and  me  gets  out  of  here,  after  making 
up  our  minds  that  the  war  would  last  for  ten  years 
yet,  we  would  buy  a  Sporting  Extra  with  Final 
Wall  Street  Complete,  and  see  the  whole  front 
page  filled  up  mit  the  word  PEACE  in  letters  a 
foot  high,  understand  me,  which  it  has  always 
been  in  the  back  of  my  head  that  the  next  time 
Colonel  House  would  slip  off  to  Europe  no  one 
would  know  anything  about  till  the  treaty  of 
peace  comes  back  signed  'Woodrow  Wilson,  per 
E.  M.  H.'  But  if  the  first  number  on  the  pro- 
gram goes  through  as  planned,  Abe,  and  we 
have  open  covenants  of  peace  openly  arrived  at, 
y'understand,  why,  then,  that  will  be  something 
else  again." 

156 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"You  bet  your  life  it  would  be  something  else 
again,"  Abe  agreed,  fervently,  "and  what  is  more, 
Mawruss,  not  only  would  them  covenants  of  peace 
be  open,  but  they  would  remain  open  for  a  long 
time,  because  there's  a  whole  lot  of  Senators, 
Congressmen,  ex-Senators,  ex-Congressmen,  and 
ex-Presidents  which  is  laying  for  the  opportunity 
when  peace  is  proposed,  so  that  they  can  discuss 
the  peace  terms  with  one  another,  openly,  frankly, 
and  in  the  public  view,  as  Mr.  Wilson  would  say. 
Yes,  Mawruss,  there's  several  political  orators  in 
and  out  of  Congress  which  has  got  the  word 
'traitor'  in  their  system  and  has  got  to  get  it  out 
again  in  reference  to  somebody — preferably  a 
member  of  the  Cabinet — before  peace  negotiations 
is  closed,  and  there  is  also  such  indigestible  words 
like  'pusillanimous/  which  gives  certain  ex- 
Presidents  a  feeling  of  fullness  around  the  throat, 
and  a  couple  of  Senators  will  need  time  to  find 
out  just  what  the  other  Senators  wants  to  do  about 
them  peace  terms  so  that  they  can  differ  with 
them;  and  looking  at  it  one  way  and  another, 
Mawruss,  if  Senator  Wadsworth  and  Senator 
McKellar  thinks  it  is  taking  a  long  time  to  get 
ready  for  war,  they  should  wait  till  we  get  ready 
for  peace,  Mawruss,  and  if  they  don't  want  to 
be  afterward  holding  investigations  as  to  why  the 
throat  specialists  wasn't  mobilized  on  time,  Maw- 
russ, they  should  start  right  in  and  mobilize 
the  throat  specialists,  and  also  it  wouldn't  do 
any  harm  to  find  out  the  available  stock  of 
cough-drops  is  in  the  hands  of  the  dealers,  so  that 

157 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  lung  power  of  the  nation  can  go  forth  to 
holler  for  peace  equipped  to  the  last  menthol 
lozenge." 

"In  a  way,  that  ain't  no  joke,  neither,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "There  is  people  that  Mr.  Wilson 
didn't  include  in  his  war  program  which  is  going 
to  do  their  utmost  to  horn  in  on  his  peace  program 
at  the  very  best  spot  in  the  bill.  Take  Mr. 
Roosevelt,  and  his  friends  will  no  doubt  insist 
that  Mr.  Wilson  does  a  supper  turn  while  Mr. 
Roosevelt  goes  on  somewheres  around  nine  forty- 
five,  because  to-day  yet  they're  talking  about 
making  the  Presidency  of  the  United  States  a  co- 
alition affair,  in  which  Wilson,  Roosevelt,  and 
Taft  would  be  equal  partners  with  the  same  draw- 
ing account  and  everything." 

"And  where  does  Mr.  Wilson  get  off  in  this  co- 
alition business?"  Abe  inquired.  "Ain't  two  un- 
divided one-thirds  of  the  Presidency  of  the 
United  States  for  the  unexpired  portion  of  his 
term  worth  nothing  to  Mr.  Wilson,  even  at  short 
rates,  Mawruss?" 

"Well,"  Morris  replied,  "I  suppose  Roosevelt 
and  Taft  would  throw  in  their  experience  as 
Presidents." 

"Say!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "There  ain't  a  week 
goes  by  nowadays  but  what  Mr.  Wilson  gets  more 
experience  as  President  than  Taft  and  Roosevelt 
did  in  both  their  terms  put  together,  so  I  don't 
think  you  need  waste  no  more  breath  about  it, 
Mawruss.  When  the  people  last  time  elected  a 
President  of  the  United  States  they  chose  Mr. 

158 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

Wilson  as  an  individual,  not  as  a  co-partner,  and 
you  could  take  it  from  me,  Mawruss,  it  don't 
make  no  difference  whether  it  would  be  a  peace 
program  or  a  war  program  which  Mr.  Wilson  is 
fixing  up,  the  name  of  the  chief  performer  on  it 
was  settled  by  the  people  a  year  ago  last 
November!" 


XVIII 

POTASH  AND  PEELMUTTER  ON  THE  NEW  NATIONAL 
HOLIDAYS 

YES,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said,  after  Mr. 
Garfield  had  announced  the  five-day  shut- 
down, "one  of  the  hardest  things  that  a  patriotic 
sitson  is  called  on  to  do  nowadays  is  to  have  faith 
in  those  fellers  which  is  running  the  Fuel  Commis- 
sion, the  Food  Commission,  and  all  the  other 
commissions  that  they  ain't  such  big  fools  as  you 
would  think  for." 

"Well,  you  don't  think  this  here  Garfield  would 
close  up  the  country  for  five  days  unless  it  would 
be  necessary,  ain't  it?"  Morris  Perlmutter  retorted. 

"Certainly  I  don't,"  Abe  agreed.  "But  what 
is  troubling  me  is  that  he  ain't  said  as  yet  for  why 
it  is  necessary,  Mawruss." 

"Maybe  he  'ain't  figured  it  out  yet,"  Morris 
suggested.  "And  even  if  he  didn't,  Abe,  it  stands 
to  reason  that  if  the  country  don't  burn  no  coal 
for  five  days,  at  the  end  of  five  days  they  would 
still  got  the  coal  they  didn't  burn,  provided  they 
had  got  any  coal  at  all  to  start  with." 

"But  as  I  understand  it,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 

160 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"not  burning  coal  'ain't  got  nothing  at  all  to  do 
mit  Mr.  Garfield's  order  that  we  shouldn't  burn 
no  coal.  It  seems  from  what  ex-President  Taft 
says  and  also  from  what  a  professor  by  the  name 
of  Jinks  oder  Jenks  says,  Mawruss,  Mr.  Garfield 
done  it  because  the  people  'ain't  begun  to  realize 
that  we  are  at  war,  Mawruss." 

"You  mean  to  say  that  again  the  people  don't 
begin  to  realize  we  are  at  war?"  Morris  exclaimed. 
"It  couldn't  be  possible,  Abe.  Here  we  have  had 
two  Liberty  Loan  campaigns,  a  military  draft 
which  took  in  every  little  cross-road  village  in  the 
country,  a  war-tax  bill  that  hits  everybody  and 
everything,  and  people  like  Mr.  Taft  and  Pro- 
fessor Jinks  saying  day  in  and  day  out  that  the 
people  'ain't  begun  to  realize  we  are  at  war, 
y'understand,  and  yet  you  try  to  tell  me  that  the 
people  has  slipped  right  back  into  not  beginning 
to  realize  we  are  at  war,  Abe." 

"I  don't  try  to  tell  you  nothing,"  Abe  said. 
"For  my  part  I  think  it's  time  that  somebody  put 
them  wise,  Mawruss." 

"What  do  you  mean — put  them  wise?"  Morris 
demanded.  "The  people  knows  that — ' 

"Who  is  saying  anything  about  the  people?" 
Abe  interrupted.  "I  am  talking  about  Mr.  Taft 
and  this  here  Professor  Jinks,  Mawruss.  Them 
fellers  has  got  ideas  from  spring  and  summer  de- 
signs of  nineteen  seventeen.  What  we  are  look- 
ing for  from  the  big  men  of  the  country  is  new 
ideas  for  the  late  summer  of  nineteen  eighteen  and 
fall  and  winter  seasons  of  nineteen  eighteen, 

161 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

nineteen  nineteen,  and  this  here  people-'ain't- 
begun-to-realize  talk  was  already  a  back-number 
line  of  conversation  in  June,  nineteen  seventeen." 

"But  what  them  fellers  is  driving  into,  Abe," 
Morris  observed,  "is  that  it's  going  to  help  the 
war  along  if  the  people  of  America  should  be  made 
to  suffer  along  with  the  people  of  France  and 
England.  They  figure  that  it  ain't  going  to  do  us 
Americans  a  bit  of  harm  to  know  how  them 
Frenchers  feel,  nebich,  with  the  Germans  holding 
on  to  their  coal-supply,  Abe." 

"Well,  we  could  get  the  same  effect  by  going 
round  in  athaletic  underwear  and  no  overcoats, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  retorted,  "so  if  that's  what  Mr. 
Taft  claims  Mr.  Garfield  shut  off  the  coal  for, 
Mawruss,  he  is  beating  around  the  wrong  bushes." 

"And  he  ain't  the  only  one,  neither,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "From  the  way  other  people  is  talk- 
ing, Abe,  you  would  think  that  in  order  to  get 
into  this  war  right,  y'understand,  we  should  ought 
to  go  to  work  and  blow  up  a  few  dozen  American 
cathedrals,  send  up  airyoplanes  over  New  York, 
and  drop  a  couple  gross  bombs  on  the  business 
section  of  the  town,  poison  the  water-supply,  cut 
off  the  milk  for  the  babies,  and  do  everything  else 
that  them  miserable  Germans  did  to  France  and 
England,  not  to  say  also  Russia,  y'understand. 
This  will  cause  us  to  become  so  sore,  understand 
me,  that  everybody  of  fighting  age  will  want  to 
fight,  and  the  rest  of  us  will  be  willing  to  work  in 
the  munition-factories  and  spend  all  our  time  and 
money  to  end  a  war  where  American  cathedrals 

162 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

is  being  blown  up,  airyoplanes  is  bombing  New 
York,  and  babies  is  suffering  for  want  of  milk, 
Abe." 

"You  mean  that  Professor  Jinks  is  willing  to 
have  us  believe  that  Mr.  Garfield  is  shutting  off  the 
coal,  not  because  it's  necessary,  but  because  it's 
the  equivalence  of  us  bombing  our  own  cities  and 
making  ourselves  feel  sore?"  Abe  asked.  "Mr. 
Garfield?" 

"Ordinary  people  which  ain't  professors  and 
ex-Presidents  might  figure  that  way,"  Morris  con- 
tinued, "but  it  seems  that  the  theory  is  we  are 
going  to  feel  sore  at  Germany,  Abe." 

"  Well,"  Abe  commented,  "I  am  perfectly  willing 
to  feel  sore  at  Germany  for  the  things  she  has  done 
in  this  war,  Mawruss,  and  I  am  so  sore  at  Germany, 
anyway,  that  I  am  also  willing  to  feel  sore  at  her 
for  the  things  which  she  'ain't  done  also,  Mawruss, 
but  so  far  as  Mr.  Garfield  is  concerned,  y'under- 
stand,  I  prefer  to  think  that  he's  a  hard-working 
feller  which  could  once  in  a  while  make  a  mistake, 
understand  me,  and  that  if  he  cuts  off  the  coal, 
it's  on  account  he  thinks  it's  necessary  to  save 
the  coal.  Because  if  I  thought  the  way  Professor 
Jinks  thinks,  Mawruss,  and  I  should  meet  Mr. 
Garfield  face  to  face  somewheres,  understand  me, 
the  least  they  could  send  me  up  for  would  be 
using  rotten  language  tending  to  cause  a  breach 
of  the  peace,  y'understand." 

"Sure  I  know,  Abe,"  Morris  agreed.  "But  the 
chances  is  that  Mr.  Taft  and  Professor  Jinks  may 
have  a  private  idee  that  when  Mr.  Garfield  shut 

163 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

down  on  the  coal  he  could  of  saved  coal  in  some 
other  way,  and  so  in  order  that  he  shouldn't  get 
stumped  for  explanations  afterward,  y'understand, 
they  are  taking  this  way  of  giving  him  what  they 
think  is  a  good  pointer  in  that  line,  understand  me, 
because  if  you  read  the  papers  this  morning,  Abe, 
there  must  be  thousands  of  prominent  sitsons 
which  claims  to  be  patriotic,  y'understand,  and 
from  what  them  fellers  said  about  Mr.  Garfield, 
Abe,  it  was  plain  to  me  that  the  stuff  they  was  hold- 
ing back  from  saying  about  him  was  pretty  near 
giving  them  apoplexy,  y'understand." 

"Well,  when  it  comes  to  cussing  out  the  Fuel 
Administrator,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "them  prom- 
inent sitsons  wouldn't  have  nothing  on  the  un- 
prominent  sitsons  which  is  going  to  lose  five  days' 
pay  now  and  one  day's  pay  a  week  for  ten  weeks 
later.  Yes,  Mawruss,  what  them  poor  people  is 
going  to  call  Mr.  Garfield  during  the  five  days  they 
will  lay  off  is  going  to  pretty  near  warm  up  their 
cold  homes  even  if  it  ain't  going  to  provide  food 
for  their  families,  Mawruss.  Furthermore,  Maw- 
russ, five  continuous  days  is  going  to  give  them  an 
opportunity  to  do  a  lot  more  real,  hard  thinking 
than  they  could  do  if  they  would  have,  we  would 
say,  for  example,  only  one  hour  a  day  lay-off 
every  other  day  over  a  period  of  a  hundred  days, 
Mawruss,  and  if  at  the  end  of  them  five  days, 
Mawruss,  they  are  going  to  take  as  much  interest 
in  the  problems  of  this  war  as  they  are  in  the 
problem  of  how  they  are  going  to  catch  up  with 
what  they  owe  for  five  days'  food  and  rent, 

164 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Mawruss,  I  miss  my  guess,  because  Mr.  Taft  and 
Professor  Jinks  may  think  that  them  fellers  is 
going  to  spend  their  five  days'  lockout  in  looking 
up  war  maps  and  sticking  little  colored  flags  in 
the  positions  now  held  by  the  French  and  German 
troops  or  in  reading  up  the  life  of  General  Pershing 
and  My  Three  Years  in  Germany  by  Ambassador 
Gerard,  Mawruss,  but  I  don't." 

"And  yet,  Abe,  admitting  all  you  say  is  true, 
y'understand,  what  reason  do  you  got  for  suppos- 
ing that  before  Mr.  Garfield  shut  off  the  coal  he 
didn't  also  consider  all  these  things,  when  they 
even  occurred  to  a  feller  like  you?"  Morris  asked. 

"What  do  you  mean — a  feller  like  me?"  Abe 
demanded.  "Thousands  of  people  the  country 
over  is  saying  the  selfsame  thing." 

"I  know  they  are,"  Morris  said.  "And  why 
you  and  they  should  think  that  what  occurred  to 
thousands  of  people  the  country  over  shouldn't 
also  occur  to  Mr.  Garfield,  Abe,  is  beyond  me. 
Now  I  don't  know  no  more  about  this  coal  propo- 
sition than  you  do,  Abe,  but  I  am  willing  to  take 
a  chance  that  when  a  big  man  like  Garfield, 
backed  up  by  President  Wilson,  does  a  crazy  thing 
like  this,  y'understand,  he  must  have  had  an 
awful  good  reason  for  it,  no  matter  how  good  the 
reasons  were  against  it." 

"Did  I  say  he  didn't?"  Abe  said. 

"Then  why  knock  the  feller?"  Morris  asked. 

"Say,  looky  here,  Mawruss,"  Abe  retorted, 
"are  we  living  in  Germany  or  America?  An  idee! 
On  twenty-four  hours'  notice  the  government 

165 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

shuts  off  the  coal-supply  of  the  country  and  you 
expect  that  all  that  the  people  would  say  is, 
'Omane!  Solo!'  ('Amen!  Selah!')." 

"Well,  that's  the  way  a  government  does  busi- 
ness— on  short  notice,  Abe,  which  if  Mr.  Garfield 
would  be  one  of  them  take-it-on-the-other-hand 
fellers  who  considers  the  matter  from  every  angle 
before  he  decides,  y'understand,  while  he  would 
have  still  got  a  couple  of  thousand  angles  to  con- 
sider the  matter  from,  Abe,  the  country  would 
have  been  tied  up  into  such  knots  over  the  coal- 
and-freight  situation  that  it  would  have  required 
not  five  days,  but  five  hundred  days,  to  untangle  it, 
y'understand,"  Morris  said. 

"But  it  seems  to  me,  Mawruss,  that  Mr.  Gar- 
field  could  have  spent,  say,  twenty-five  minutes 
longer  on  that  order  of  his,  so  that  a  manufacturer 
could  tell  from  reading  it  over  a  few  dozen  times, 
with  the  assistance  of  a  first-class,  crackerjack, 
A-number-one  criminal  lawyer,  just  what  it  was 
he  couldn't  do  without  making  himself  liable  to  a 
fine  of  five  thousand  dollars  and  one  year  im- 
prisonment, y'understand,"  Abe  said.  "In  fact, 
Mawruss,  if  the  average  manufacturer  is  going  to 
try  to  understand  that  order  before  he  does  any- 
thing about  it  he'll  have  to  shut  down  for  five  days 
while  he  is  working  to  puzzle  it  out,  and  then 
he  will  keep  his  place  closed  down  for  five  days 
longer  while  he  is  resting  up  from  brain  fag, 
understand  me.  Take,  for  instance,  a  department 
store  which  sells  liquors  and  groceries,  has  a  doctor 
in  charge  of  the  rest-room,  and  runs  a  public 

166 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

lunch-room  in  the  basement,  y'understand,  and 
if  the  proprietor  decided  to  make  a  test  case  of 
it  by  hiring  John  B.  Stanchfield  and  keeping  open 
on  Monday,  Mawruss,  once  Mr.  Garfield  got  on 
the  witness-stand  and  started  to  explain  just  what 
the  exemptions  exempted,  y'understand,  it  would 
be  years  and  years  before  he  ever  had  a  chance  to 
see  the  old  college  again.'* 

"But  Mr.  Garfield  wrote  that  order  to  save 
coal,  not  arguments,  Abe,"  Morris  said."  He  ex- 
pected that  the  business  men  of  the  country 
would  do  the  sensible  thing  next  Monday  by 
staying  home  and  playing  pinochle  or  poker,  and 
those  fellers  which  don't  know  enough  about  cards 
to  even  kibbitze  the  game,  y'understand,  could  go 
into  another  room  and  start  in  on  their  income- 
tax  blanks,  which,  when  it  comes  to  figuring  out 
what  is  capital  and  what  is  income  in  the  excess- 
profits  returns,  Abe,  there  is  many  a  business  man 
which  would  not  only  put  in  all  his  Mondays 
between  now  and  the  first  of  March  trying  to 
straighten  it  out,  y'understand,  but  would  also 
be  asking  for  further  extensions  of  time  to  finish 
it  up  along  about  the  fifteenth  of  April." 

"And  that's  the  way  it  goes,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
commented,  with  a  sigh.  "It  use  to  was  in  the 
old  days  that  all  a  feller  had  to  know  to  go  into 
the  clothing  business  was  clothing,  y'understand, 
but  nowadays  a  manufacturer  of  clothing  or  any 
other  merchandise  must  also  got  to  be  a  certified 
public  accountant,  an  expert  of  high-grade  words 
from  the  English  language,  a  liar,  a  detective,  and 

12  167 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

should  also  be  able  to  take  the  stand  on  his  own 
behalf  in  such  a  level-head  way  that  the  assistant 
district  attorney  couldn't  get  him  rattled  on 
cross-examination . '  * 

"Well,  my  advice  to  these  test-case  fellers,  Abe," 
Morris  concluded,  "is  this:  Be  partiotic  now. 
Don't  wait  till  you're  indicted." 


XIX 

ME.  WILSON:    THAT'S  ALL 

Potash  and  Perlmutter  discuss  the  Chamberlain  suggestion. 

""\7"OU  know  how  it  is  yourself,  Mawruss," 
*  Abe  Potash  said,  one  morning  in  January. 
"If  you  would  see  somebody  nailing  up  something 
your  first  idee  is  to  say:  'Here,  give  me  that 
hammer.  Is  that  a  way  to  nail  up  a  packing-case?' 
And  then,  if  you  went  to  work  and  showed  him 
how,  the  chances  is  that  before  you  get  through  the 
packing-case  would  look  like  it  had  been  nailed 
up  with  a  charge  of  shrapnel,  and  for  six  months 
people  would  be  asking  you  what's  the  matter 
with  your  sore  thumb.  Painting  is  the  same  way. 
There's  mighty  few  people  which  could  see  any- 
body else  doing  a  home  job  of  enameling  without 
they  would  want  to  grab  ahold  of  the  brush  and 
get  themselves  covered  with  enamel  from  head 
to  foot,  y'understand.  So  can  you  imagine  the 
way  Mr.  Roosevelt  is  feeling  about  this  war, 
Mawruss?" 

"Well,  you've  got  to  hand  it  to  Mr.  Roosevelt," 
Morris  Perlmutter  said.     "He  has  had  some  small 

169 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

experience  in  that  line,  although,  at  that,  you've 
got  to  take  his  statements  of  what  ain't  being  done 
to  run  the  war  right  with  a  grain  of  salt,  Abe, 
whereas  with  Senator  Chamberlain,  y'understand, 
when  he  says  that  the  President  ain't  running 
the  war  right  according  to  the  idees  of  a  man 
which  used  to  was  a  practising  lawyer  and  poli- 
tician out  in  the  state  of  Oregon,  y'understand, 
and,  therefore,  Abe,  his  speeches  should  ought 
to  be  barred  by  the  Food  Conservation  Com- 
mission as  being  contrary  to  the  Save  the  Salt 
movement." 

"But  even  Mr.  Roosevelt,  which  he  may  or  may 
not  know  anything  about  running  a  modern  army, 
as  the  case  may  be  and  probably  ain't,  Mawruss, 
because  lots  of  changes  has  come  about  in  the 
running  of  armies  since  Mr.  Roosevelt  went  out 
of  the  business,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "but  as  I 
was  saying,  Mawruss,  even  Mr.  Roosevelt,  as  big 
a  patriot  as  he  is,  y'understand,  ain't  above  spoil- 
ing a  perfectly  good  job  half  done  by  Mr.  Wilson, 
because  he  just  couldn't  resist  saying:  'Here,  give 
me  hold  of  them  soldiers.  Is  that  a  way  to  run 
an  army?" 

"And  besides,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "there's  a 
great  many  people  in  this  country,  including  Mr. 
Roosevelt,  which  believes  that  the  only  man  which 
has  got  any  license  to  say  how  the  army  should 
ought  to  be  run  is  Mr.  Roosevelt,  y'understand, 
and  ever  since  we  got  into  this  war,  Abe,  them 
fellers  has  been  hanging  around  looking  at  Mr. 
Wilson  like  a  crowd  watching  a  feller  gilding  the 

170 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

ball  on  the  top  of  the  Metropolitan  Tower,  not 
wishing  the  feller  any  harm,  y 'understand,  and 
hoping  that  he  will  either  get  away  with  it  unhurt 
or  make  the  drop  while  they  are  still  standing 
there." 

"They  ain't  so  patient  like  all  that,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "Them  fellers  has  got  so  tired  waiting 
for  Mr.  Wilson  to  fall  down  on  his  job  that  they 
now  want  to  drag  him  down  or,  anyhow,  trip 
him  up." 

"Well,  .1  wouldn't  go  so  far  as  to  say  that,'* 
Morris  declared,  "but  it  looks  to  me  that  when 
Mr.  Roosevelt  read  the  results  of  the  Senate  in- 
vestigations, y'understand,  he  wasn't  as  much 
shocked  and  surprised  as  he  would  have  liked  to 
have  been,  although  to  hear  Senator  Chamber- 
lain talk  you  might  think  that  what  them  inves- 
tigations showed  was  bad  enough  to  satisfy  not 
only  Mr.  Roosevelt,  but  the  Kaiser  and  his 
friends,  also,  when,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  the  worst 
that  any  good  American  can  say  about  Mr. 
Wilson  as  a  result  of  them  investigations  is  that 
instead  of  hiring  angels  who  performed  miracles, 
y'understand,  he  hired  human  beings  who  made 
mistakes." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  the  worst 
thing  of  all  that  Mr.  Wilson  did  was  to  say  that 
Senator  Chamberlain  was  talking  wild  when  he 
made  a  speech  about  how  every  department  of  the 
government  had  practically  gone  to  pieces,  which 
Senator  Chamberlain  says  that  no  matter  how 
wild  he  may  have  talked  before,  nobody  ever 

171 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

accused  him  that  he  talked  wild  in  all  the  twenty- 
four  years  he  has  held  public  office." 

"Well,  that  only  goes  to  show  how  wild  some 
people  talk,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because  when  a 
man  has  held  office  for  twenty-four  years,  talking 
wild  is  the  very  least  people  accuse  him  of." 

"But  as  a  matter  of  fact,  Mawruss,  a  feller 
from  Oregon  was  telling  me  that  Senator  Chamber- 
lain has  held  public  office  ever  since  eighteen 
eighty,"  Abe  said.  "He  has  run  for  everything 
from  Assemblyman  to  Governor,  and  if  he  ain't 
able  to  remember  by  fourteen  years  how  long  he 
has  held  public  office,  Mawruss,  how  could  he 
blame  Mr.  Wilson  for  accusing  him  that  he  is 
talking  wild,  in  especially  as  he  now  admits  that 
when  he  said  all  the  departments  of  the  govern- 
ment had  broken  down,  y 'understand,  what  he 
really  meant  was  that  the  War  Department  had 
broken  down.  His  word  should  not  be  questioned, 
or,  in  effect,  that  when  a  Senator  presents  a  state- 
ment, the  terms  he  is  entitled  to  are  seventy-five 
per  cent,  discount  for  facts." 

"Some  of  'em  needs  a  hundred  per  cent.,"  Morris 
said,  "but  that  ain't  here  nor  there,  Abe.  This 
war  is  bigger  than  Mr.  Chamberlain's  reputation, 
even  as  big  as  Mr.  Chamberlain  thinks  it  is,  and 
it  don't  make  no  difference  to  us  how  many 
speeches  Mr.  Roosevelt  makes  or  what  Senator 
Stone  calls  him  or  he  calls  Senator  Stone.  Further- 
more, Senator  Penrose,  Senator  McKellar,  and 
this  here  Hitchcock  can  also  volunteer  to  police 
the  game,  Abe,  but  when  it  comes  right  to  it, 

172 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

y 'understand,  every  one  of  them  fellers  is  just  a 
Kibbitzer,  the  same  like  these  nuisances  that  sit 
around  a  Second  Avenue  coffee-house  and  give 
free  advice  to  the  pinochle-players — all  they  can 
see  is  the  cards  which  has  been  played,  and  as  for 
the  cards  which  is  still  remaining  in  Mr.  Wilson's 
hand,  they  don't  know  no  more  about  it  than  you 
or  I  do." 

"And  the  only  kick  they've  got,  after  all,"  Abe 
said,  "is  that  President  Wilson  won't  expose  his 
hand,  which  if  he  did,  Mawruss,  he  might  just 
so  well  throw  the  game  to  Germany  and  be  done 
with  it." 

"So  you  see,  Abe,  them  fellers,  including  Mr. 
Roosevelt,  is  willing  to  let  no  personal  modesty 
stand  in  the  way  of  a  plain  patriotic  duty,  at 
least  so  far  as  thirty-three  and  a  third  per  cent, 
of  his  answer  was  concerned.  But  at  that,  it 
wouldn't  do  him  no  good,  Abe,  because,  owing  to 
what  Mr.  Roosevelt  maintains  is  an  oversight 
at  the  tune  the  Constitution  of  the  United  States 
was  fixed  up  'way  back  in  the  year  seventeen 
seventy-six,  y'understand,  the  President  of  the 
United  States  was  appointed  the  Commander-in- 
chief  to  run  the  United  States  army  and  navy, 
and  also  the  President  was  otherwise  mentioned 
several  other  times,  but  you  could  read  the  Con- 
stitution backward  and  forward,  from  end  to  end, 
and  the  word  ex-President  ain't  so  much  as  hinted 
at,  y'understand." 

"Evidencely  they  thought  that  an  ex-President 
would  be  willing  to  stay  ex,"  Abe  suggested. 

173 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"But  Mr.  Roosevelt  ain't,"  Morris  said.  "All 
that  he  wanted  from  Mr.  Wilson  was  a  little 
encouragement  to  take  some  small,  insignificant 
part  in  this  war,  Abe,  and  it  would  only  have  been 
a  matter  of  a  short  time  when  it  would  have  re- 
quired an  expert  to  tell  which  was  the  President 
and  which  was  the  ex,  y 'understand." 

"I  don't  agree  with  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 
"Where  Mr.  Wilson  has  made  his  big  mistake  is 
that  he  is  conducting  this  war  on  the  theory  of  the 
old  whisky  brogan,  'Wilson!  That's  All.'  If  he 
would  only  of  understood  that  you  couldn't  run  a 
restaurant,  a  garment  business,  or  even  a  war 
without  stopping  once  in  a  while  to  jolly  the 
knockers,  Mawruss,  all  this  investigation  stuff 
would  never  of  happened.  Why,  if  I  would  have 
been  Mr.  Wilson  and  had  a  proposition  like  Mr. 
Roosevelt  on  my  hands  it  wouldn't  make  no 
difference  how  rushed  I  was,  every  afternoon  him 
and  me  would  drink  coffee  together,  and  after  I 
had  made  up  my  mind  what  I  was  going  to  do  I 
would  put  it  up  to  him  in  such  a  way  that  he  would 
think  the  suggestion  came  from  him,  y'under- 
stand.  Then  I  would  find  out  what  it  was  that 
Senator  Chamberlain  preferred,  gefullte  Rinder- 
brust  or  Tzimmas,  and  whenever  we  had  it  for 
dinner,  y'understand,  I  would  have  Senator  Cham- 
berlain up  to  the  house  and  after  he  had  got  so 
full  of  Tzimmas  that  he  couldn't  argue  no  more  I 
would  tell  him  what  me  and  Mr.  Roosevelt  had 
agreed  upon,  and  it  wouldn't  make  no  difference 
if  I  said  to  him,  'Am  I  right  or  wrong?'  or  'Ain't 

174 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

that  the  sensible  view  to  take  of  it?'  he  would  say, 
'Sure!'  in  either  case." 

"You  may  be  right,  Abe,"  Morris  agreed,  "but 
if  he  was  to  begin  that  way  with  Roosevelt  and 
Chamberlain,  the  first  thing  you  know,  William 
Randolph  Hearst  would  be  looking  to  be  invited 
up.  for  a  five-course-luncheon  consultation,  and 
the  least  Senator  Wadsworth  and  Senator  McKel- 
lar  would  expect  would  be  an  occasional  Welsh 
rabbit  up  at  the  White  House,  which  even  if  Mr. 
Wilson's  conduct  of  the  war  didn't  suffer  by  it, 
his  digestion  might,  and  the  end  would  be,  Abe, 
that  every  Senator  who  couldn't  get  the  ear  of  the 
President  with,  anyhow,  a  Dutch  lunch,  would 
pull  an  investigation  on  him  as  bad  as  anything 
that  Chamberlain  ever  started." 

"It's  too  bad  them  fellers  couldn't  act  the  way 
Mr.  Taft  is  behaving,"  Abe  said.  "There  is  an 
ex-President  which  is  really  and  truly  ex,  y 'under- 
stand, and  seemingly  don't  want  to  be  nothing 
else,  neither." 

"  Well,  Mr.  Taft  has  got  a  whole  lot  of  sympathy 
for  Mr.  Wilson,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "He  knows 
how  it  is  himself,  because  when  he  was  President, 
y'understand,  he  also  had  experience  with  Mr. 
Roosevelt  trying  to  police  his  administration." 

"There's  only  one  remedy,  so  far  as  I  could  see, 
Morris,"  Abe  said,  "if  we're  ever  going  to  have 
Mr.  Wilson  make  any  progress  with  the  war." 

"You  don't  mean  we  should  put  through  that 
law  for  the  three  brightest  men  in  the  country 
to  run  it?"  Morris  inquired. 

175 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"No,  sir,"  Abe  replied.  "Put  through  a  law 
that  after  anybody  has  held  the  office  of  ex- 
President  for  two  administrations,  Mawruss,  he 
should  become  a  private  sitson — and  mind  his  own 
business." 


XX 


POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER    DISCUSS    THE    GRAND- 
OPERA   BUSINESS 


grand  opera  gets  its  big  boost, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said,  the  morn- 
ing after  Madame  Galli-Curci  made  her  sensational 
first  appearance  in  New  York,  "is  that  practically 
everybody  with  a  rating  higher  than  J  to  L, 
credit  fair,  hates  to  admit  that  it  don't  interest 
them  at  all." 

"And  even  if  it  did  interest  them,  Abe/*  Morris 
Perlmutter  said,  "they  would  got  to  have  at  least 
that  rating  before  they  could  afford  it  to  buy  a 
decent  seat." 

"Most  of  them  don't  begrudge  the  money  spent 
this  way,  Mawruss,  because  it  comes  under  the 
head  of  advertising  and  not  amusement,"  Abe  said. 
"Next  to  driving  a  four-horse  coach  down  Fifth 
Avenue  in  the  afternoon  rush  hour  with  a  feller 
playing  a  New-Year's-eve  horn  on  the  back  of  the 
roof,  Mawruss,  owning  a  box  at  the  Metropolitan 
Opera  House  is  the  highest-grade  form  of  publicity 
which  exists,  and  the  consequence  is  that  other 
people  which  believes  in  that  kind  of  advertising 

177 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

medium,  but  couldn't  afford  to  take  so  much  space 
per  week,  sits  in  the  cheaper  ten-  and  six-dollar 
seats.  And  that's  how  the  Metropolitan  Opera 
House  makes  its  money,  Mawruss.  It  gets  a 
thousand  times  better  rates  as  any  of  the  big  five- 
cent  weeklies,  and  it  don't  have  to  worry  about  the 
second-class-postage  zones." 

"But  you  don't  mean  to  tell  me  that  the 
people  which  stands  up  down-stairs  and  buys  seats 
in  the  gallery  is  also  looking  for  publicity?" 
Morris  said. 

"Them  people  is  something  else,  again,"  Abe 
replied.  "They  are  as  different  from  the  rest  of 
the  audience  as  magazine-readers  is  from  magazine- 
advertisers.  Take  the  box-holders  in  the  Metro- 
politan Opera  House  and  they  oser  give  a  nickel 
what  happens  to  Caruso.  He  could  get  burned  in 
'Trovatore,'  stabbed  in  'Pagliacci,'  go  to  the  devil 
in  *  Faust,'  and  have  his  intended  die  on  him  in 
'Boheme,'  and  just  so  long  as  their  names  is 
spelled  right  on  the  programs  it  don't  affect  them 
millionaires  no  more  than  if,  instead  of  being  the 
greatest  tenor  in  the  world,  he  would  be  an  Inter- 
state Commerce  Commissioner.  On  the  other 
hand,  them  top-gallery  fellers  treats  him  like  a 
little  god,  y'understand,  which  if  Caruso  hands 
them  opera  fans  a  high  C,  Mawruss,  it's  the 
equivalence  of  Dun  or  Bradstreet  giving  one  of 
them  box-holders  an  A-a." 

"Maybe  you're  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but 
how  do  you  account  for  people  paying  forty  dollars 
for  an  orchestra  seat  at  the  Lexington  Opera 

178 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

House  just  to  hear  this  singer  Galli-Curci  in  one 
performance  only,  which  I  admit  I  ain't  no  ad- 
vertising expert,  Abe,  but  it  seems  to  me  that  if 
anybody  is  going  to  get  benefit  from  publicity 
like  that  he  might  just  so  well  circulate  a  picture 
of  himself  drinking  champanyer  wine  out  of  a 
lady's  satin  slipper  and  be  done  with  it,  for  all 
the  good  it  is  going  to  do  him  with  the  National 
Association  of  Credit  Men." 

"  That  is  another  angle  of  the  grand-opera  propo- 
sition, Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "Paying  forty  dol- 
lars for  an  orchestra  seat  to  hear  this  lady  with 
the  Lloyd-George  name  is  the  same  like  an  opera- 
tion for  appendicitis  to  some  people,  Mawruss.  It 
not  only  makes  them  feel  superior  to  their  friends 
which  'ain't  had  the  experience,  but  it  gives  'em  a 
tropic  of  conversation  which  is  never  going  to  be 
barred  by  the  statue  of  limitations,  and  for  months 
to  come  such  a  feller  is  going  to  go  round  saying, 
'Well,  I  heard  Galli-Curci  the  other  night,'  and 
it  won't  make  no  difference  if  it's  a  pinochle  game, 
a  lodge  funeral,  or  a  real-estate  transaction,  he's 
going  to  hold  it  up  for  from  fifteen  minutes  to 
half  an  hour  while  he  talks  about  her  upper 
register,  her  middle  register,  and  her  lower  register 
to  a  bunch  of  people  who  don't  know  whether  a 
coloratura  soprano  can  travel  on  a  sleeper  south 
to  Washington,  D.  C.,  or  has  to  use  the  Jim  Crow 
cars." 

"All  right,  if  it's  such  a  crime  not  to  know  what 
a  coloratura  soprano  is,  Abe,"  Morris  commented, 
"I'm  guilty  in  the  first  degree.  So  go  ahead,  Abe. 

179 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

I'm  willing  to  take  my  punishment.  Tell  me, 
what  is  a  coloratura  sporano?" 

"I  suppose  you  think  I  don't  know,"  Abe  said. 

"I  don't  think  you  don't  know,"  Morris  replied, 
"but  I  do  think  that  the  only  reason  you  do  know, 
Abe,  is  that  you  'ain't  looked  it  up  long  enough 
since  to  have  forgotten  it." 

"Is  that  so!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "Well,  that's 
where  you  make  a  big  mistake.  I  am  already  an 
experienced  hand  at  going  on  the  opera.  When 
I  was  by  Old  Man  Baum  we  had  a  customer  by  the 
name  Harris  Feinsilver,  which  if  you  only  get 
him  started  on  how  he  heard  Jenny  Lind  at  what 
is  now  the  Aquarium  in  Battery  Park  somewheres 
around  eighteen  hundred  and  fifty-two,  y'under- 
stand,  you  could  sell  him  every  sticker  in  the 
place,  and  him  and  me  went  often  on  the  opera 
together.  In  fact  I  got  so  that  I  didn't  mind  it 
at  all,  and  that's  how  I  become  acquainted  with  the 
different  grades  of  singers  which  works  by  grand 
opera.  Take,  for  instance,  sopranos,  and  they 
come  in  two  classes.  There  is  the  soprano  which 
hollers  murder  police  and  they  call  her  a  dramatic 
soprano.  And  then  again  there  is  the  soprano 
which  gargles.  That  is  a  coloratura  soprano." 

"And  people  is  paying  forty  dollars  an  orchestra 
seat  to  hear  a  woman  gargle?"  Morris  exclaimed. 

"Of  course  I  don't  say  she  actually  gargles, 
y 'understand,"  Abe  explained,  "anyhow  not  all 
the  time,  Mawruss.  Once  in  a  while  she  sings  a 
song  which  has  got  quite  a  tune  in  it  pretty  near 
up  to  the  end,  and  then  she  carries  on  something 

180 


"Take,  for  instance,  sopranos,  and  they  come  in  two  classes. 
There  is  the  soprano  which  hollers  murder  police  and  they  call 
her  a  dramatic  soprano.  And  then  again  there  is  the  soprano 
which  gargles.  That  is  a  coloratura  soprano." 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

terrible  anywheres  from  two  to  eight  minutes  till 
the  feller  that  runs  the  orchestra  couldn't  stand 
it  no  longer  and  he  gives  them  the  signal  they 
should  drown  her  out." 

"I  should  think  he  would  get  to  know  when  it  is 
coming  on  her  and  drown  her  out  before  she 
starts,"  Morris  said. 

"  What  do  you  mean — drown  her  out  before  she 
starts?"  Abe  continued.  "That's  what  she  gets 
paid  for — carrying  on  in  such  a  manner,  and  them 
people  up  in  the  top  gallery  goes  crazy  over  it." 

"Then  why  don't  the  feller  which  runs  the  or- 
chestra let  her  keep  it  up?"  Morris  asked. 

"A  question!"  Abe  said.  "There  is  from  forty 
to  fifty  men  working  in  the  orchestra,  and  if  the 
feller  which  runs  it  let  them  top-gallery  people  have 
their  way  it  would  cost  him  a  fortune  for  overtime 
for  them  fellers  that  plays  the  fiddles  alone." 

"He  should  arrange  a  wage  scale  accordingly," 
Morris  said,  "because  it  don't  make  no  difference 
if  it's  the  garment  business  or  the  grand-opera 
business,  Abe,  the  customer  should  ought  to  come 
first." 

"7  always  felt  that  I  got  my  money's  worth, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "In  particular  when  it 
comes  to  one  of  them  operas  with  a  coloratura 
soprano  in  it,  y'understand,  it  seemed  to  me  they 
could  of  cut  down  on  the  working  time  without 
hurting  the  quality  of  the  goods  in  the  slightest. 
There's  always  a  good  fifteen  minutes  wasted  in 
such  operas  where  a  feller  in  the  orchestra  plays  a 
little  something  on  the  flute  and  the  coloratura 

181 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

soprano  sings  the  same  music  on  the  stage,  the 
idee  being  to  show  that  you  couldn't  tell  the  dif- 
ference between  the  feller  playing  the  flute  and  the 
coloratura  soprano  except  the  feller  playing  the 
flute  has  all  his  clothes  on.  Then,  again,  during 
the  death-bed  scene  in  the  last  act  they  kill  a 
whole  lot  of  time  also." 

"Do  you  mean  to  say  there's  a  death-bed 
scene  in  every  one  of  them  operas?"  Morris 
inquired. 

"Practically,"  Abe  replied.  "There  ain't  many 
grand  operas  where  both  the  tenor  and  the 
soprano  sticks  it  out  alive  till  the  end  of  the 
last  act,  Mawruss.  Tenors,  in  particular,  is  awful 
risks,  Mawruss,  which  I  bet  yer  that  eighty  per 
cent,  of  the  times  I  seen  Caruso  he  either  passed 
away  along  about  quarter  past  eleven  after  an 
awful  hard  spell  of  singing,  or  give  you  the  im- 
pression that  he  wasn't  going  to  survive  the  so- 
prano more  than  a  couple  of  days  at  the  outside." 

"And  yet  some  people  couldn't  understand  why 
everybody  takes  in  the  Winter  Garden  or  Zieg- 
feld's  Follies,"  Morris  commented. 

'Of  course  I  don't  say  that  the  audience  suf- 
fers as  much  as  if  it  was  in  the  English  language, 
but  even  when  a  lady  dies  in  French  or  Italian  I 
couldn't  enjoy  it,  neither,"  Abe  said. 

"It  seems  to  me,  Abe,  that  a  feller  which  goes 
often  on  grand  opera  is  lucky  if  he  understands 
only  English,"  Morris  observed. 

"That's  what  you  would  naturally  think,  Maw- 
russ," Abe  agreed,  "and  yet  there  is  people  which 

182 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

is  so  anxious  that  they  shouldn't  miss  none  of  the 
tenor's  last  words  that  they  actually  go  to  work 
and  buy  for  twenty-five  cents  in  the  lobby  a 
translation  of  the  Italian  operas,  which  I  got 
stung  that  way  only  once,  because  to  follow  from 
the  English  translation  what  the  singers  is  saying 
on  the  stage  in  Italian,  Mawruss,  a  feller  could  be 
a  combination  of  a  bloodhound  and  a  mind-reader, 
y'understand,  and  even  then  he  would  get  twisted. 
For  instance,  Caruso  comes  out  with  a  couple 
hundred  assorted  tenors  and  bassos,  and  so  far 
as  any  human  being  could  tell  which  don't  under- 
stand Italian,  Mawruss,  he  begs  them  that  they 
shouldn't  go  out  on  strike  right  in  the  middle  of 
the  busy  season,  in  particular  when  times  is  so 
hard  and  everything,  and  from  the  way  he  puts 
his  hand  on  his  heart  it  looks  like  he  is  also  telling 
them  that  he  is  speaking  to  them  as  a  friend, 
y'understand,  and  to  consider  their  wives  and 
children,  understand  me.  All  the  effect  this  seems 
to  have  on  them  is  that  they  yell,  'Down  with  the 
bosses!'  and  they  insist  on  a  closed  shop  and  that 
the  terms  of  the  protocol  should  be  lived  up  to. 
This  gets  Caruso  crazy.  He  grabs  his  vest  with 
both  hands  and  makes  one  last  big  appeal,  y'under- 
stand, in  which  he  tells  them  that  the  delegates 
is  stalling  and  that  they  are  being  made  suckers 
of,  and  that  if  it  would  be  the  last  word  he  would 
ever  speak,  the  sensible  thing  is  for  them  to  go 
right  back  to  work  and  leave  it  to  arbitration  by 
a  joint  board  consisting  of  the  president  of  the 
Manufacturers'  Association,  the  chairman  of  the 
13  183 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Garment  Workers'  Union,  and  Jacob  H.  Schiff, 
y'understand,  but  do  you  think  they  would 
listen  to  him?  Oser  a  Stuck!  They  laugh  in  his 
face,  and  it  don't  make  no  difference  that  he 
repeats  it  an  octave  higher  accompanied  by  the 
fiddles,  and  gives  them  one  last  chance,  ending 
on  a  high  C,  y'understand,  they  refuse  to  recon- 
sider the  matter,  and  when  the  curtain  goes  down 
it  looks  like  the  strike  was  on  for  fair.  However, 
when  the  lights  are  turned  on  and  you  look  it 
up  in  the  English  translation,  what  do  you  find? 
The  entire  thing  was  a  false  alarm,  Mawruss.  It 
seems  that  for  twenty  minutes  Caruso  has  been 
singing  over  and  over  again,  'Come,  my  friends, 
let  us  go,'  and  the  whole  time  them  people  was 
acting  like  they  wanted  to  tear  him  to  pieces, 
they  have  been  saying,  'Yes,  yes,  let  us  go'  a 
thousand  times  over,  and  that's  all  there  was  to 
it." 

"Well,  after  all,  with  a  grand  opera,  it  ain't  so 
much  the  words  as  the  music,"  Morris  commented. 

"Even  the  music  they  don't  take  it  so  par- 
ticular about  nowadays,"  Abe  continued.  "In 
fact,  the  up-to-date  thing  in  grand  opera  is  not  to 
have  any  music,  Mawruss,  only  samples,  which 
some  of  them  newest  grand  operas,  Mawruss,  if  it 
wouldn't  be  that  the  people  on  the  stage  is  making 
such  a  racket  instead  of  the  people  in  the  audience 
you  would  think  that  the  orchestra  was  continuing 
to  tune  up  during  the  entire  evening." 

"Seemingly  you  didn't  get  a  whole  lot  out  of 
your  visits  to  the  opera,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

184 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Oh  yes,  I  did,"  Abe  replied.  "I  got  some 
wonderful  idees  for  dinner-dress  designs  and 
evening  gowns.  I  'ain't  got  no  kick  coming 
against  the  opera,  Mawruss.  A  garment-manu- 
facturer can  put  in  a  very  profitable  evening  there 
any  night  if  he  can  only  stand  the  music." 


XXI 

POTASH  AND  PERLMTJTTER  DISCUSS  THE  MAGAZINE 
IN   WAR-TIMES 

"  T  AM  just  now  reading  an  article  by  a  feller 

-I  which  his  name  I  couldn't  remember,  but  he 
used  to  was  a  baseball-writer  for  the  New  York 
Moon"  Abe  Potash  said,  as  he  laid  down  one  of 
the  several  weeklies  that  have  the  largest  circula- 
tion in  the  United  States. 

"Is  this  a  time  to  read  about  baseball?"  Morris 
Perlmutter  asked. 

"What  do  you  mean — baseball?"  Abe  de- 
manded. "I  said  that  the  feller  used  to  was  a 
baseball-writer,  but  he  is  now  a  dramatic  cricket." 

"With  me  and  dramatic  crickets,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "it  is  always  showless  Tuesday,  which  when 
it  comes  to  knocking  plays,  Abe,  believe  me,  I 
don't  need  no  assistance  from  nobody." 

"Who  said  he  is  knocking  plays,  Mawruss?" 
Abe  protested.  "This  here  dramatic  cricket  has 
just  returned  from  the  western  front,  and  he  says 
that  the  way  it  looks  now  the  war  would  last 
until- 

"  Excuse  me  for  interrupting  you,  Abe,"  Morris 

186 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

said,  "but  is  there  an  article  in  that  paper  by  a 
soldier  which  used  to  was  a  certified  public  ac- 
countant telling  what  is  going  to  happen  in  the 
show  business,  because,  if  so,  it  might  interest  me, 
y 'understand,  but  what  a  dramatic  cricket  who  is 
also  an  ex-baseball-writer  has  got  to  say  about  the 
war,  Abe,  would  only  make  me  mad,  Abe,  be- 
cause there  is  people  writing  about  this  war  which 
really  knows  something  about  it,  whereas  as  a 
general  proposition  it  don't  make  no  difference 
who  writes,  about  the  show  business,  he  usually 
don't  know  no  more  about  it  as,  for  example,  a 
baseball- writer. " 

"That's  where  you  make  a  big  mistake,  Maw- 
russ,"  Abe  said.  "I  have  read  articles  about  the 
war  ever  since  the  war  started,  and  so  far  as  I 
could  see,  Mawruss,  the  fellers  which  wrote  them 
might  just  so  well  of  stayed  at  home  and  got  their 
dope  from  actors  and  baseball-players,  because 
you  take,  for  instance,  the  fellers  which  has 
written  about  conditions  in  Russland,  Mawruss, 
and  claims  to  have  their  information  right  on  the 
spot  from  the  Russian  working-men  and  soldiers, 
y'understand,  and  from  the  way  them  fellers  is 
all  the  time  springing  Nitchyvo!  and  Da!  in  their 
articles,  Mawruss,  it's  a  hundred-to-one  proposi- 
tion that  them  two  words  was  all  the  Russian 
they  was  equipped  with  to  carry  on  their  con- 
versations with  them  moujiks." 

"For  that  matter,  the  fellers  which  writes  the 
articles  about  the  French  end  of  the  war  don't 
seem  to  have  had  a  nervous  breakdown  from 

187 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

studying  French,  neither,"  Morris  observed.  "All 
the  French  which  them  fellers  puts  into  their 
writings  is  0.  U.  I.,  m'sieu,  which  don't  look  to 
me  to  be  any  more  efficient  as  C.  0.  Z).,  m'sieu, 
when  it  comes  to  finding  out  from  a  feller  which 
speaks  only  French  what  he  thinks  about  the  war." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed.  "But  a  feller 
which  writes  such  an  article  ain't  aiming  to  tell 
what  the  French  people  thinks  about  the  war. 
He  is  only  writing  what  he  thinks  French  people 
is  thinking  about  the  war;  in  fact,  Mawruss, 
I've  yet  got  to  see  the  war  article  which  contains 
as  much  information  about  the  war  and  the  people 
fighting  in  the  war  as  about  the  feller  which  is 
writing  the  article,  and  the  consequence  is  that 
after  you  put  in  a  whole  evening  reading  such  an 
article  you  find  that  you've  learned  a  lot  of  facts 
which  might  be  of  interest  to  the  war  correspon- 
dent's family  provided  he  has  sent  them  home 
money  regularly  every  week  and  otherwise  be- 
haved to  them  in  the  past  in  such  a  manner  that 
they  give  a  nickel  whether  he  comes  back  dead 
or  alive." 

"Of  course  there  is  exceptions,  Abe,"  Morris 
said.  "There  is  them  articles  which  gives  an 
account  of  the  big  battle  where  if  the  Allies 
would  of  only  gone  on  fighting  for  one  hour  longer, 
Abe,  they  would  of  busted  through  the  German 
line  and  the  war  would  of  been,  so  to  speak,  over." 

"What  big  battle  was  that,  Mawruss?"  Abe 
asked. 

"Practically    every   big   battle   which    a   war 

188 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

correspondent  has  written  an  article  about  since 
the  war  started,"  Morris  replied,  "and  also  while 
the  article  don't  exactly  say  so,  y'understand,  it 
leads  you  to  believe  that  if  the  feller  which  wrote 
it  would  of  been  running  the  battle,  Abe,  things 
would  of  been  very  different.  Then  again  there 
is  them  articles  which  contains  an  account  of  just 
to  prove  how  cool  the  English  soldiers  is,  Abe,  the 
war  correspondent  which  wrote  it  heard  about  a 
private  which  had  the  hiccoughs  during  the  heavy 
gunfire  and  asks  some  one  to  scare  him  so  that  he 
can  cure  his  hiccoughs,  which  to  me  it  don't 
prove  so  much  how  cool  the  English  soldiers  is 
as  how  some  editors  of  magazines  seemingly  never 
go  to  moving-picture  vaudeville  shows." 

"Editors  'ain't  got  no  time  for  such  nonsense, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "They  got  enough  to  keep 
'em  busy  busheling  the  jobs  them  war  correspon- 
dents turns  in  on  them.  Also,  Mawruss,  running 
a  magazine  in  war-times  ain't  such  a  cinch, 
neither.  Take  in  the  old  times  before  the  war, 
and  if  a  trunk  railroad  got  wrecked,  y'understand, 
people  stayed  interested  long  enough  so  that  even 
if  the  article  about  how  the  head  of  the  guilty 
banking  concern  worked  his  way  up  didn't  appear 
till  three  months  afterward,  it  was  still  good, 
but  you  take  it  to-day,  Mawruss,  and  the  chances 
is  that  a  dozen  articles  about  how  Leon  Trotzky 
used  to  was  a  feller  by  the  name  Braustein  which 
are  now  slated  to  be  put  into  the  May  edition  of 
the  magazine  is  going  to  be  killed  along  with 
Trotzky  somewheres  about  the  middle  of  next 

189 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

month.  In  fact,  Mawruss,  things  happen  so 
thick  and  fast  in  this  war  that  three  months 
from  now  the  only  thing  that  people  is  going 
to  remember  about  Brest  -  Litovsk  and  Galli- 
Curci  will  be  the  hyphens,  and  they  won't  be 
able  to  say  offhand  whether  or  not  it  was  Brest- 
Litovsk  that  had  the  soprano  voice  or  the  peace 
conference." 

"Well,  if  a  magazine  editor  gets  stumped  for 
something  to  take  the  place  of  an  article  which 
went  sour  on  him,  Abe,"  Morris  suggested,  "he 
could  always  print  a  story  about  a  beautiful  lady 
spy,  and  usually  does,  y'understand,  which  the 
way  them  amateur  spy-hunters  gets  their  dope 
from  reading  magazines  nowadays,  Abe,  if  the 
magazines  prints  any  more  of  them  beautiful 
lady-spy  stories,  y'understand,  a  beautiful  face 
on  a  lady  is  soon  going  to  be  as  suspicious-looking 
as  Heidelberg  dueling  scars  on  a  man,  and  it's 
bound  to  have  quite  an  adverse  effect  on  the 
complexion-cream  business." 

"But  you've  got  to  hand  it  to  these  magazine 
editors,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "They  ain't  afraid 
to  print  articles  which  coppers  the  advertisements 
in  the  back  pages.  I  am  reading  only  this  morn- 
ing an  article  which  it  says  on  page  twenty-eight 
of  the  magazine  that  people  in  Berlin  is  getting 
made  Geheimeraths  and  having  eagles  hung  on 
them  by  the  Kaiser  in  all  shades  from  red  to 
Copenhagen  blue  for  helping  out  Germany  in  this 
war  by  doing  things  that  ain't  one,  two,  six  com- 
pared with  what  a  feller  in  New  York  does  when 

190 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

he  buys  a  fifteen-hundred-dollar  automobile,  y'un- 
derstand,  and  yet  on  pages  thirty,  thirty-two, 
thirty-eight,  forty,  and  all  the  other  pages  from 
forty-one  to  fifty  inclusive,  the  same  magazine 
prints  advertisements  of  automobiles  costing  from 
ten  thousand  dollars  downwards,  F.  O.  B.  a 
freight-car  in  Detroit  which  should  ought  to  be 
filled  with  ship-building  material  F.  O.  B.  New- 
ark, N.  J." 

"That  ain't  the  magazine's  fault,  Abe,"  Morris 
said.  "If  it  wasn't  kept  going  by  the  money 
the  advertisers  pays  for  such  advertisements  it 
wouldn't  be  able  to  print  them  articles  telling 
people  it  is  unpatriotic  to  buy  the  automobiles 
which  the  advertisement  says  they  should  ought 
to  buy." 

"Maybe  you're  right,"  Abe  said,  "but  in  that 
case  when  a  magazine  prints  an  advertisement 
by  the  Charoses  Motor  Car  Company  that  the 
new  Charoses  inclosed  models  in  designs  and 
luxury  of  appointment  surpass  the  finest  motor- 
carriages  of  this  country  and  Europe,  Mawruss, 
the  editor  should  add  in  small  letters,  'But  see 
page  twenty-eight  of  this  magazine,'  and  then 
when  the  reader  turns  to  page  twenty-eight  and 
finds  out  what  the  article  says  about  pleasure 
cars  in  war-times,  y'understand,  he  would  think 
twice,  ain't  it?" 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said.  "But  there's 
always  the  danger  that  the  advertiser  would  also 
turn  to  page  twenty -eight,  so  as  a  business  propo- 
sition for  the  magazine,  it  would  be  better  if  the 

191 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

editors  stick  to  them  nitchyvo  articles,  which  if 
the  advertisers  turn  to  page  twenty-eight  and 
see  one  of  those  articles  the  only  thing  that  would 
worry  them,  y 'understand,  is  whether  or  not  the 
reader  is  going  to  get  so  disgusted  that  he  would 
throw  away  the  magazine  before  he  reached  the 
advertising  section." 

"That  ain't  how  /  look  at  it,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
protested.  "The  way  a  manufacturer  has  to 
figure  costs  so  close  nowadays,  Mawruss,  any- 
thing like  these  here  war  articles  which  gives  you 
an  example  of  how  to  turn  out  the  finished  product 
with  the  least  amount  of  labor  and  material  in  it, 
Mawruss,  should  ought  to  be  of  great  interest  to 
the  business  man.  For  instance,  you  ask  one  of 
them  live,  up-to-date  young  fellers  which  is  now 
writing  about  the  war  with  such  a  good  imitation 
of  being  right  next  to  all  the  big  diplomatic 
secrets  that  no  one  would  ever  suspect  how  before 
the  war  he  used  to  think  when  he  saw  the  word 
Gavour  in  the  papers  that  it  wasn't  spelled  right 
and  cost  a  dollar  fifty  a  portion  with  hard-boiled 
egg  and  chopped  onions  on  the  side,  y'understand, 
and  we'll  say  that  such  a  feller  is  ordered  by  the 
magazine  nebich  which  he  works  for  to  go  and  see 
Mr.  Lloyd  George  and  fill  up  pages  twelve,  thir- 
teen, and  fourteen  of  the  April,  nineteen  seventeen, 
edition  with  what  Lloyd  George  tells  him  about 
political  conditions  in  Europe.  Well,  the  first 
time  he  goes  to  Mr.  Lloyd  George's  house  we  will 
say  he  gets  kicked  down  the  front  stoop,  on 
account  when  he  says  he  represents  the  Inter- 


borough  Magazine,  the  butler  thinks  he  comes 
from  the  subscription  department  instead  of  the 
editorial  department  and  didn't  pay  no  attention 
to  the  sign  'No  Canvassers  Allowed  on  These 
Premises/  Do  you  suppose  that  feazes  the 
young  feller?  Oser  a  Stuck!  He  goes  straight 
back  home,  paints  the  place  where  he  landed  with 
iodine,  y'understand,  and  writes  enough  to  fill 
up  the  whole  of  page  twelve  about  how,  unlike 
President  Wilson,  Mr.  Lloyd  George  believes  in 
surrounding  himself  with  strong  men.  The  next 
time  he  calls  there  he  gets  into  the  front  parlor 
while  he  sends  up  his  card,  and  before  the  butler 
could  return  with  the  message  that  Mr.  Lloyd 
George  says  he  wouldn't  be  back  for  some  days, 
y'understand,  Mrs.  Lloyd  George  happens  in  and 
wants  to  know  who  let  him  in  there  and  he  should 
go  and  wait  outside  in  the  vestibule,  which  is  good 
for  half  a  page  of  how  Mr.  Lloyd  George's  success 
in  politics  is  due  in  great  measure  to  the  tact 
and  diplomacy  of  his  charming  wife. 

"However,  he  has  still  got  half  of  page  thirteen 
and  all  of  page  fourteen  to  fill  up,  and  the  next 
day  he  lays  for  Mr.  Lloyd  George  at  the  corner 
of  the  street  and  walks  along  beside  him  while  he 
tells  him  he  represents  the  Interborough  Magazine, 
which  on  account  of  the  young  feller's  American 
accent  Mr.  Lloyd  George  gets  the  idee  at  first  that 
he  is  being  asked  for  the  price  of  a  night's  lodging, 
y'understand.  So  he  tells  the  young  feller  that 
he  should  ought  to  be  ashamed  not  to  be  fighting 
for  his  country.  This  brings  them  to  the  front 

193 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

door,  and  when  Mr.  Lloyd  George  at  last  finds  out 
what  the  young  feller  really  wants,  understand 
me,  he  says,  'I  'ain't  got  no  time  to  talk  to  you 
now,'  which  is  practically  everything  the  young 
feller  needs  to  finish  up  his  article. 

"He  sits  up  all  night  and  writes  a  full  account, 
as  nearly  as  he  could  remember  it,  not  having 
taken  no  notes  at  the  time,  of  just  what  Mr. 
Lloyd  George  said  about  the  'Youth  of  the  country 
and  universal  military  service,'  y 'understand,  and 
also  how  Mr.  Lloyd  George  spoke  at  some  length 
of  the  Cabinet  Minister's  life  in  war-times  and 
what  little  opportunity  it  gave  for  meeting  and 
conversing  with  friends,  quoting  Mr.  Lloyd 
George's  very  words,  which  were,  as  the  young 
feller  distinctly  recalled,  'Much  as  I  would  like 
to  do  so,  I  find  myself  quite  unable  to  speak  even 
to  you  at  any  greater  length,'  and  that's  the  way 
them  articles  is  written,  Mawruss." 

"I  wonder  how  big  the  article  would  of  been, 
supposing  the  young  feller  had  really  and  truly 
talked  to  Mr.  Lloyd  George  for,  say,  three  to  five 
minutes,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"Then  the  article  wouldn't  have  been  an  article 
no  more,  Mawruss,"  Abe  concluded.  "It  would 
of  been  a  book  of  four  hundred  pages  by  the  name : 
Lloyd  George,  The  Cabinet  Minister  and  the  Man. 
Price,  two  dollars  net." 


XXII 

POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER    ON    SAVING    DAYLIGHT, 
COAL,  AND   BREATH 

"  TT  ain't  a  bad  scheme  at  that,  Mawruss,"  Abe 

A  Potash  said  as  he  laid  down  the  paper  which 
contained  an  editorial  on  daylight-saving.  "The 
idee  is  to  get  a  law  passed  by  the  legislature  setting 
the  clock  ahead  one  hour  in  summer-time  and  get 
the  advantage  of  the  sun  rising  earlier  and  setting 
later  so  that  you  don't  have  to  use  so  much  electric 
light  and  gas,  y'understand,  because  it's  an  old 
saying  and  a  true  one,  Mawruss,  that  the  sun- 
shine's free  for  everybody.'* 

"Except  the  feller  in  the  raincoat  business," 
Morris  Perlmutter  added. 

"Also,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued,  evading  the 
interruption,  "there's  a  whole  lot  of  people  which 
'ain't  got  enough  will  power  to  get  up  until  their 
folks  knock  at  the  door  and  say  it  is  half  past 
seven  and  are  they  going  to  lay  in  bed  all  day, 
y'understand,  which  in  reality  when  the  clocks 
are  set  ahead,  Mawruss,  it  would  be  only  half 
past  six." 

"But  don't  you  suppose  that  lazy  people  read 
the  newspapers  the  same  like  anybody  else,  Abe?" 

195 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Morris  asked.  "Them  fellers  would  know  just 
as  good  as  the  people  which  is  trying  to  wake  them 
up  that  it  is  only  half  past  six  under  Section  Two  A 
of  Chapter  Five  Fourteen  of  the  Laws  of  Nineteen 
Eighteen  entitled  'An  Act  to  Save  Daylight  in  the 
State  of  New  York  for  Cities  of  the  First,  Second, 
and  Third  Classes,'  y 'understand,  and  they  will 
turn  right  over  and  go  on  sleeping  until  eight 
o'clock,  old  style,  which  is  two  hours  after  the 
sun  is  scheduled  to  rise  in  the  almanacs  published 
by  Kidney  Remedy  companies  from  information 
furnished  by  the  United  States  government  in 
Washington." 

"Of  course,  Mawruss,  I  ain't  such  a  big  philos- 
opher like  you,  y 'understand,"  Abe  said,  "but  so 
far  as  I  could  see  it  ain't  going  to  do  a  bit  of  harm 
if  you  could  get  down-town  one  hour  earlier  in 
the  summer-time,  even  though  it  is  going  to  take 
an  act  of  the  legislature  to  do  it." 

"And  it  would  also  be  a  good  thing  if  the 
legislature  would  pass  an  act  making  a  half  an 
hour  for  lunch  thirty  minutes  long  instead  of 
ninety  minutes,  the  way  some  people  has  got  into 
the  habit  of  figuring  it,  Abe,"  Morris  retorted, 
"but,  anyhow,  that  ain't  here  nor  there.  This  is 
a  republic,  Abe,  and  if  the  people  wants  to  kid 
themselves  by  putting  the  clock  ahead  instead  of 
getting  up  earlier,  Mawruss,  the  government  could 
easy  oblige  them,  y 'understand,  but  not  even  the 
Kaiser  and  all  his  generals  could  make  a  law  that 
would  change  the  sun  from  being  right  straight 
overhead  at  twelve  o'clock  noon,  Abe." 

196 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"Don't  worry  about  the  sun,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said.  "The  sun  would  stay  on  the  job,  war-times 
or  no  war-times.  Nobody  is  trying  to  make  laws 
to  kid  the  sun  into  getting  to  work  any  earlier, 
Mawruss,  but  even  with  this  war  as  an  argument, 
there's  a  whole  lot  of  people  which  would  be  foolish 
enough  to  claim  pay  for  a  time  and  a  half  for  the 
first  hour  they  worked  if  you  was  to  alter  your 
office  hours  so  that  they  had  to  come  down-town 
at  seven  instead  of  eight,  although  you  did  let  them 
go  home  an  hour  earlier  in  the  afternoon." 

"Maybe  they  would,"  Morris  said,  "but  it 
seems  to  me,  Abe,  that  a  great  deal  of  time  and 
money  is  wasted  by  legislatures  making  laws  for 
unreasonable  people.  For  instance,  if  you  change 
the  clocks  to  save  time  where  are  you  going  to 
stop?  The  next  thing  you  know  the  legislature 
would  be  trying  to  save  coal  by  changing  the 
thermometer  in  winter  so  that  the  freezing-point 
from  December  first  to  March  first  would  be 
forty-five  degrees  Fahrenheit,  and  then  when 
people  living  in  houses  situated  in  cities  of  the 
first,  second,  and  third  classes  kept  their  houses 
up  to  a  sixty-eight-degree  new  style,  which  was 
fifty-five  degrees  old  style,  they  would  be  feeling 
perfectly  comfortable  under  the  statue  in  such 
case  made  and  provided.  Also  legislatures  would 
be  making  laws  for  the  period  of  the  sugar  short- 
age, changing  the  dials  on  spring  scales  by  bringing 
the  pounds  closer  together,  so  that  a  pound  of 
sugar  would  contain  sixteen  ounces  new  style, 
being  equivalent  to  twelve  ounces  old  style." 

197 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"It  ain't  a  bad  idea  at  that,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said. 

"It  wouldn't  be  if  the  same  law  provided  for 
changing  the  size  of  teaspoons  and  cups,  Abe/* 
Morris  said,  "and  even  then  there  is  no  way  of 
trusting  a  bowl  of  sugar  to  a  sugar  hog  in  the  hopes 
that  he  wouldn't  help  himself  to  four  or  five 
spoonfuls,  new  style,  being  the  equivalent  of  the 
three  spoonfuls  such  a  Chozzer  used  to  be  put  into 
his  coffee  before  the  passage  of  the  sugar-spoon 
law,  supposing  there  was  such  a  law." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  daylight  is 
different  from  sugar.  The  idea  is  that  people 
should  use  more  of  it,  Mawruss." 

"I  am  willing,"  Morris  said;  "but  so  far  as  I 
could  see,  there  ain't  going  to  be  no  more  daylight 
after  the  law  goes  into  effect  than  there  was  before, 
and  as  for  setting  the  clock  one  hour  ahead, 
anybody  could  do  that  for  himself  without  the 
legislature  passing  a  law  about  it." 

"Say!"  Abe  protested.  "Legislators  don't  get 
paid  piece-work.  They  draw  an  annual  salary, 
Mawruss;  so  if  they  went  to  pass  a  law  about  it, 
let  them  do  a  little  something  to  earn  their  wages, 
Mawruss." 

"Don't  worry  about  them  fellers  not  earning 
their  wages,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "Legislators  is 
like  actors,  so  long  as  they  got  their  names  in 
the  papers  they  don't  care  how  hard  they  work, 
which  if  you  was  to  allow  them  fellers  to  regulate 
the  hours  of  daylight  by  legislation,  Abe,  so  as 
to  encourage  lazy  people  to  get  up  earlier,  Abe, 

198 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

the  first  thing  you  know,  so  as  to  encourage 
aviators  to  fly  higher,  they  would  be  passing  an 
act  suspending  the  laws  of  gravity  for  the  period 
of  the  war." 

"Well,  I  believe  in  that,  too,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said.  "Time  enough  we  should  have  laws  of 
gravity  when  we  need  them,  but  what  is  the  use 
going  round  with  a  long  face  before  we  actually 
have  something  to  pull  a  long  face  over?  Am  I 
right  or  wrong,  Mawruss?" 

"Tell  me,  Abe,"  Morris  asked,  "what  do  you 
think  the  laws  of  gravity  is,  anyhow?  No  Sun- 
day baseball  or  something?" 

"Well,  ain't  it?"  Abe  demanded. 

"So  that's  your  idee  of  the  laws  of  gravity," 
Morris  exclaimed. 

"Say!"  Abe  retorted.  "When  I  got  a  partner 
which  is  a  combination  of  John  G.  Stanchfield, 
Judge  Brandeis,  and  the  feller  what  wrote  Ham- 
afteach,  I  should  worry  if  I  don't  know  every  law 
in  the  law-books;  so  go  ahead,  Mawruss,  I'm 
listening.  What  is  the  laws  of  gravity?" 

"The  laws  of  gravity  is  this,"  Morris  explained. 
"If  you  would  throw  a  ball  up  in  the  air,  why  does 
it  come  down?" 

"Because  I  couldn't  perform  miracles  exactly," 
Abe  replied,  promptly. 

"Neither  could  the  legislature  and  also  Presi- 
dent Wilson,"  Morris  said,  "because  even  though 
you  would  understand  the  laws  of  gravity,  which 
you  don't,  the  baseball  comes  down  according  to 
the  laws  of  gravity,  and  even  though  Mr.  Wilson 

14  199 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

does  understand  the  laws  of  supply  and  demand, 
y'understand,  if  he  gets  busy  and  sets  a  low  price 
on  coal,  potatoes,  wheat,  or  anything  else  that 
people  is  working  to  produce  for  a  living  and 
not  for  the  exercise  there  is  in  it,  y'understand, 
such  people  would  leave  off  producing  it  and 
go  into  some  other  line  where  the  prices  ain't 
regulated." 

"They  would  be  suckers  if  they  didn't,"  Abe 
commented. 

"And  the  consequence  would  be  that  sooner  or 
later,  on  account  of  such  low  prices,  y'understand, 
everybody  would  have  the  price,  but  nobody 
would  have  the  coal,"  Morris  said,  "and  that  is 
what  is  called  the  law  of  supply  and  demand. 
It  ain't  a  law  which  was  passed  by  any  legislature, 
Abe.  It's  a  law  which  made  itself,  like  the  law 
that  if  you  eat  too  much  you'll  get  stomach 
trouble,  and  if  you  spend  too  much  you'll  go 
broke,  and  you  couldn't  sidestep  any  of  them  self- 
made  laws  by  consulting  those  high-grade  crooks 
which  used  to  specialize  in  getting  million-dollar 
fees  out  of  finding  loopholes  in  the  Interstate 
Commerce  law  and  the  Anti-trust  laws,  because 
there's  no  loopholes  in  the  law  of  supply  and 
demand." 

"Might  there  ain't  no  loopholes  in  the  law  of 
supply  and  demand,  maybe,"  Abe  said;  "but 
when  Mr.  Wilson  gave  the  order  to  his  Coal 
Administrator  to  lower  the  price  of  coal  it's  my 
idee  that  he  was  trying  to  punch  a  few  loop- 
holes in  the  law  of  The  Public  Be  Damned,  which 

200 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

while  it  was  never  passed  by  no  legislature, 
Mawruss,  it  ain't  self-made,  neither,  y 'under- 
stand, but  was  made  by  the  producer  to  do  away 
with  this  here  law  of  gravity,  because  under  the 
law  of  The  Public  Be  Damned  prices  goes  up  and 
they  never  come  down,  but  they  keep  on  going 
up  and  up  according  to  that  other  law,  the  law 
of  the  Sky's  the  Limit,  which  no  doubt  a  big 
philosopher  like  you,  Mawruss,  has  heard  about 
already." 

"In  the  company  of  igneramuses,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "a  feller  could  easy  get  a  reputation  for 
being  a  big  philosopher,  and  not  know  such  an 
awful  lot  at  that." 

"I  give  you  right,  Mawruss,"  Abe  agreed, 
heartily;  "but  even  admitting  that  you  don't 
know  an  awful  lot,  Mawruss,  there's  something  in 
what  you  say  about  this  here  law  of  supply  and 
demand." 

"Well,  now  that  you  indorse  it,  Abe,  that  makes 
it,  anyhow,  an  argument,"  Morris  commented. 

"But  it  looks  to  me  like  one  of  them  arguments 
that  is  pulled  by  the  supply  end  to  put  something 
over  on  the  demand  end,"  Abe  continued,  "be- 
cause President  Wilson  knows  just  so  much  about 
the  law  of  supply  and  demand  as  the  coal  operators 
does,  Mawruss,  and  when  he  fixed  the  price  of  coal 
you  could  bet  your  life,  Mawruss,  he  made  it  an 
even  break  for  the  supply  people  as  well  as  for 
the  demand  people." 

"And  what  has  all  this  got  to  do  with  setting 

the  clock  ahead  one  hour  in  summer,  Abe,  which 

201 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

was  what  you  was  talking  about  in  the  first  place?" 
Morris  demanded. 

"Nothing,  except  that  setting  the  clock  ahead 
so  as  to  save  bills  for  gas  and  electric  light  and 
limiting  the  price  of  coal  so  as  the  public  couldn't 
be  gouged  by  the  coal  operators,  so  far  as  I  could 
see,  is  two  dead  open  and  shut  propositions, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "which  of  course  I  admit  that 
I'm  an  ignorant  man  and  don't  know  no  more 
laws  than  a  police-court  lawyer,  y'understand, 
but  at  the  same  time,  Mawruss,  I  must  got  to  say 
the  way  it  looks  to  me  it  ain't  the  ignorant  men 
which  is  blocking  the  speed  of  this  war.  For 
instance,  who  is  it  when  Mr.  Hoover  wants  to 
have  millions  of  bushels  wheat  by  using  whole- 
wheat bread  that  says  whole-wheat  bread  irritates 
the  lining  from  the  elementry  canal?  The  igno- 
rant man?  Oser!  He  don't  know  the  elementry 
canal  from  the  Panama  Canal,  and  if  he  did  he 
couldn't  tell  you  whether  elementry  canals  came 
lined  with  Skinner's  satin  or  mohair  or  just  plain 
unlined  with  the  seams  felled.  Then,  again,  who 
is  it  that  when  any  order  is  made  by  the  govern- 
ment which  is  meant  to  help  along  the  war  takes 
it  like  a  personal  insult  direct  from  Mr.  Wilson? 
The  ignorant  man?  No,  Mawruss,  it's  the  feller 
which  thinks  that  what's  the  use  of  having  an 
education  if  you  couldn't  seize  every  opportunity 
of  putting  up  an  argument  and  using  all  the  long 
words  you've  got  in  your  system." 

"All  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  " I'm  converted. 
Rather  as  sit  here  and  waste  the  whole  morning 

202 


"For  instance,  who  is  it  that  says  whole- 
wheat bread  irritates  the  lining  from  the  ele- 
mentry  canal?  The  ignorant  man?  Oser!" 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

I'm  content  that  you  should  pass  a  law  saving 
daylight  if  you  want  to." 

"Don't  do  me  no  favors,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
commented. 

"And  while  you're  about  it,  Abe,"  Morris  con- 
cluded, "if  you  couldn't  save  it  otherwise,  have 
the  legislature  pass  another  law  that  people  should 
save  something  else  for  the  duration  of  the  war 
which  they  ordinarily  couldn't  live  without." 

"What's  that?"  Abe  asked. 

"Breath,"  Morris  said. 


XXIII 

POTASH  AND  PERLMTJTTER  DISCUSS  WHY  IS  A  PLAY- 
GOER? 

:<  T~\ID  you  see  on  the  front  page  of  all  the  news- 
•*— '  papers  this  morning  where  Klaw  &  Erlanger 
has  had  another  split  with  the  Shuberts,  Maw- 
russ?"  Abe  Potash  asked^one  morning  in  February. 
"Say,"  Morris  Perlmutter  replied,  "I  didn't 
even  know  they  had  ever  made  up  since  the  time 
they  split  before,  and,  furthermore,  Abe,  I  think 
that  even  if  the  most  important  news  a  feller  in  the 
newspaper  business  could  get  ahold  of  to  print  on 
his  front  page  was  an  I.  O.  M.  A.  convention, 
instead  of  the  greatest  war  in  history,  y'under- 
stand,  he  would  be  giving  his  readers  a  great  big 
jolt  compared  with  the  thrill  they  get  when  they 
read  about  the  troubles  people  has  got  in  the  show 
business." 

"Maybe  you  think  so,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"but  Klaw  &  Erlanger  and  the  Shuberts  don't 
think  so,  and  when  you  consider  that  them  two 
concerns  control  all  the  theayters  in  the  United 
States  and  spends  millions  of  dollars  for  advertis- 
ing, Mawruss,  a  feller  in  the  newspaper  business 

204 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

don't  show  such  poor  judgment  to  give  them  boys 
a  little  space  on  the  front  page  whenever  they 
have  their  semi-annual  split." 

"Probably  you're  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said; 
"but  if  it  was  you  and  me  that  had  a  big  fight 
on  with  our  nearest  competitors,  Abe,  advertising 
it  in  the  newspapers  would  be  the  last  thing  we 
would  be  looking  for." 

"The  garment  business  ain't  the  theayter  busi- 
ness, Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "For  instance,  being 
a  defendant  in  a  divorce  suit  don't  get  any  one 
nowheres  in  the  garment  trade,  because  if  a  gar- 
ment-manufacturer would  have  such  a  person 
working  for  him  practically  the  only  effect  it 
would  have  on  his  business  would  be  that  he 
would  be  obliged  to  neglect  it  two  or  three  times 
a  day  answering  telephone  inquiries  from  his  wife 
as  to  just  how  he  was  putting  in  his  time,  y'under- 
stand,  and  so  far  as  bringing  customers  into  your 
place  who  want  to  see  the  lady  you  got  working 
for  you  which  all  the  scandal  was  printed  about 
in  the  papers,  Mawruss,  it  wouldn't  make  any 
difference  what  the  evidence  was,  you  couldn't 
get  your  trade  interested  to  the  extent  even  of 
their  coming  in  to  snoop  with  no  intentions  to 
buy,  y'understand.  But  you  take  it  in  the 
theayter  business  and  big  fortunes  has  been  made 
out  of  rotten  plays  simply  because  the  theayter- 
going  public  wanted  to  see  if  the  leading  lady 
looked  like  the  pictures  which  was  printed  of  her 
in  the  papers  at  the  time  the  court  denied  her  the 
custody  of  the  child,  understand  me." 

205 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

"Then  you  think  that  there's  going  to  be  a  big 
rush  on  the  theayters  controlled  by  Klaw  & 
Erlanger  and  the  Shuberts  on  account  people  has 
been  reading  in  the  papers  about  their  scrapping 
again,  Abe?"  Morris  inquired. 

Abe  shrugged  his  shoulders.  "I  don't  think 
nothing  of  the  kind,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said;  "but 
there's  a  whole  lot  of  fellers  in  the  theayter  business 
which  have  stories  printed  about  themselves  in 
the  Sunday  papers  where  it  tells  how  they  used  to 
was  in  business  and  finally  worked  their  way  into 
the  theayter  business  and  what  is  their  favorite 
luncheon  dish,  y'understand,  till  you  would  think 
that  the  reason  people  went  to  see  plays  was 
because  the  manager  formerly  run  a  clothing- 
store  in  Milwaukee,  Wis.,  and  is  crazy  about 
liver  and  bacon,  Southern  style." 

"That  would  be,  anyhow,  as  good  a  reason  as 
because  the  leading  lady's  home  life  didn't  come 
up  to  her  husband's  expectations,"  Morris  com- 
mented. 

"Well,  no  matter  for  what  reason  people  do  it, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  concluded,  "buying  tickets  for  a 
show  is  as  big  a  gamble  as  a  home-cooked  Welsh 
rabbit,  in  especially  if  you  try  to  go  by  the  ad- 
vertisements. For  instance,  in  to-day's  paper 
there  is  three  shows  advertised  as  the  biggest  hit 
in  town,  four  of  them  says  they  got  more  laughs 
in  them  than  any  other  show  in  town,  and  there 
are  a  lot  of  assorted  *  Biggest  Hits  in  Years,' 
'Biggest  Hits  Since  the  "Music  Master,'"  and 
'Biggest  Hits  in  New  York,'  so  what  chance  does 

206 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

an  outsider  stand  of  knowing  which  advertise- 
ments is  O.  K.  and  which  is  just  pushing  the 
stickers?" 

"The  plan  that  I  got  is  never  to  go  on  a  theayter 
till  the  show  has  been  running  for  at  least  three 
months,  Abe,"  Morris  advised. 

"But  if  everybody  else  followed  the  same  plan, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  commented,  "what  show  is  going 
to  run  three  months?" 

"Say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "There  would  al- 
ways be  plenty  of  nosy  people  in  New  York  City 
which  'ain't  got  no  more  to  do  with  their  money 
than  to  find  out  if  what  the  crickets  has  got  to  say 
in  the  newspapers  about  the  new  plays  is  the 
truth  or  just  kindness  of  heart,  y 'understand." 

"From  what  I  know  of  newspaper  crickets, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "when  they  praise  a  show 
they  may  be  mistaken,  but  they're  never  kind- 
hearted." 

"If  a  play  runs  three  months,  Abe,  it  don't 
make  no  difference  to  me  whether  the  newspaper 
crickets  praised  it  because  they  had  kind  hearts 
or  knocked  it  because  they  had  stomach  trouble," 
Morris  said,  "I  am  willing  to  risk  my  two  dollars, 
anyhow" 

"Maybe  it  would  be  better  all  around,  Maw- 
russ, if  the  newspaper  crickets  printed  what  they 
think  about  a  play  the  day  after  it  closes  instead 
of  the  day  after  it  opens,"  Abe  observed,  "and 
then  they  might  have  something  to  go  by.  As 
it  is,  a  whole  lot  of  newspaper  crickets  is  like  doc- 
tors which  says  there  is  absolutely  nothing  the 

207 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

matter  with  the  patient  only  ten  days  before  the 
automobile  cortege  leaves  his  late  residence." 

"But  there  is  more  of  them  like  doctors  which 
says  that  the  patient  may  live  two  days  and  he 
may  live  two  weeks,  y'understand,  and  four  weeks 
later  he  is  put  in  Class  One  and  leaves  for  Camp 
Upton  with  the  next  contingent,"  Morris  said. 
"Take  even  'Hamlet,'  Abe,  which  I  can  remember 
since  'way  before  the  Spanish  war  already,  and  I 
bet  yer  when  that  show  was  put  on  there  was  some 
crickets  which  said  that  John  Drew  or  whoever  it 
was  which  first  took  'Hamlet'  did  the  best  he 
could  with  a  rotten  part  and  headed  the  article, 
'John  Drew  scores  in  dull  play  at  Fifty -first  Street 
Theater."1 

"Even  so,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "that  wouldn't 
feaze  J.  H.  Woods  or  whoever  the  manager  was 
which  first  put  on  'Hamlet,'  because  we  would 
say,  for  example,  that  the  cricket  of  the  New 
York  Star-Gazette  said,  'Hamlet'  would  be  an 
A-number-one  play  if  it  had*  been  written  by  a 
pants-presser  in  his  off  moments,  but  as  the 
serious  work  of  a  professional  play-designer  it 
ain't  worth  a  moment's  consideration;  also  the 
cricket  of  the  New  York  Record  says,  From  the 
liberal  applause  at  the  end  of  the  third  act  'Ham- 
let '  might  have  been  the  most  brilliant  drama  since 
'  The  Easiest  Way '  instead  of  a  play  full  of  clack- 
trap  scenes  and  which  will  positively  meet  the 
capora  it  deserves,  y'understand.  Furthermore, 
Mawruss,  we  would  say  that  every  other  paper 
says  the  same  thing  and  also  roasts  the  play, 

208 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

y 'understand,  so  what  does  this  here  Woods  do? 
Does  he  lay  right  down  and  notify  the  operators 
that  under  the  by-laws  of  the  Actors'  Union  they 
should  please  consider  that  they  have  received 
the  usual  two  weeks'  notice  that  the  show  will 
close  the  next  night?  Oser  a  Stuck!  The  next 
day  he  puts  in  every  paper  for  two  hundred  and 
twenty -five  dollars  an  advertisement: 

FIFTY-FIRST  STREET  THEATER 

J.  H.  WOODS LESSEE 

J.  H.  WOODS 

PRESENTS 

'HAMLET' 

THE  SEASON'S  SENSATION! 

An  A-number-one  play. — New  York  Star-Gazette. 
Most   brilliant   drama   since  'Tlie   Easiest  Way.' — New 
York  Record. 
John  Drew  scores  heavily. — New  York  Evening  Moon" 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  said;  "while  I  ad- 
mit that  the  theayter  crickets  is  smart  fellers  and 
knows  all  about  the  rules  and  regulations  for 
writing  plays,  y'understand,  so  that  they  can  tell 
at  a  glance  during  the  first  performance  if  the 
audience  is  laughing  in  violation  of  what  is  con- 
sidered good  play  construction  or  crying  because 
the  show  is  sad  in  a  spot  where  a  play  shouldn't 
ought  to  be  sad  if  the  man  who  wrote  it  had 
known  his  business,  y'understand,  still  at  the 
same  time  theayter  crickets  is  to  me  in  the  same 

209 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

class  with  these  here  diet  experts.  Take  a  dinner 
which  one  of  them  diet  experts  approves  of,  Abe, 
and  the  food  is  O.  K.,  the  kitchen  is  clean,  the 
cooking  is  just  right  as  to  time  and  temperature 
of  the  oven,  there's  the  proper  proportions  of 
water  and  solids,  and  in  fact  it's  a  first-class  A- 
number-one  meal  from  the  standpoint  of  every 
person  which  has  got  anything  to  do  with  it,  ex- 
cepting the  feller  which  eats  it,  and  the  only 
objection  he's  got  to  it  is  that  it  tastes  rotten." 

"And  that  would  be  quite  enough  to  put  a 
restaurant  out  of  business  if  it  served  only  good 
meals  according  to  the  opinion  of  diet  experts, 
Mawruss,  because  diet  experts  don't  buy  meals, 
Mawruss,  they  only  inspect  them,"  Abe  com- 
mented. 

"And  even  if  theayter  crickets  did  pay  for  their 
tickets,  Abe,"  Morris  continued,  "there  ain't 
enough  of  them  to  support  one  of  these  here  little 
theayters  which  has  got  such  a  small  seating- 
capacity  that  neither  the  exits  nor  the  kind  of 
plays  they  put  on  has  to  comply  with  the  fire  laws, 
y'understand.  But  that  ain't  here  or  there,  Abe. 
A  theayter  cricket  is  a  cricket  and  not  an  ap- 
praiser, y'understand.  He  goes  to  a  play  to  judge 
the  play  and  not  the  prospective  box-office  re- 
ceipts, Abe,  and  if  on  account  of  his  knocking 
a  play  which  would  otherwise  make  money  for 
the  manager  and  do  a  lot  of  harm  to  the  people 
which  goes  to  the  theayter,  such  a  show  is  put  out 
of  business,  Abe,  then  the  theayter  cricket  has 

done  a  good  job." 

210 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"Sure,  I  know,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "But  it's 
just  as  likely  to  be  the  other  way  about,  which 
you  take  these  here  shows  the  crickets  gets  all 
worked  up  over  because  they  are  written  by 
foreigners  from  Sweden,  Mawruss,  where  a  mar- 
ried woman  gets  to  feeling  that  her  husband,  her 
home,  and  her  children  ain't  exciting  enough, 
y'understand,  so  she  either  elopes  or  commits 
suicide,  understand  me,  and  many  a  business 
man  has  come  to  breakfast  without  shaving  him- 
self on  the  day  after  taking  his  wife  to  see  such  a 
show  and  caught  her  looking  at  him  in  an  awful 
peculiar  way,  y'understand.  Then  there  is  other 
shows  which  crickets  thinks  a  whole  lot  of,  where 
a  young  feller  which  couldn't  get  down  to  business 
and  earn  a  decent  living  puts  it  all  over  the  man 
who  has  been  financially  successful,  y'understand, 
and  plenty  of  young  fellers  which  gets  home  all 
hours  of  the  night  and  couldn't  hold  a  job  long 
enough  to  remember  the  telephone  number  of  the 
firm  they  work  for,  comes  away  from  the  show  feel- 
ing that  they  ain't  getting  a  square  deal  from  their 
father  who  has  never  done  a  thing  to  help  them 
in  all  this  life  except  to  feed,  clothe,  and  educate 
them  for  twenty -odd  years." 

"Well,  such  plays  anyhow  make  you  think, 
Abe,"  Morris  said.  "Whereas,  when  you  come 
away  from  one  of  them  musical  pieces,  what  do 
you  have  to  show  for  it,  Abe?" 

"A  good  night's  rest,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"which  no  one  never  laid  awake  all  night  won- 
dering if  his  wife  or  his  son  has  got  peculiar  no- 

211 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

tions  about  not  being  appreciated  from  seeing  this 
here  Frank  Tinney  talking  to  the  feller  that  runs 
the  orchestra  in  the  Winter  Garden,  Mawruss." 

"Then  what  is  your  idee  of  a  good  show,  any- 
way?" Morris  inquired. 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Mawruss,  a  good  show  is  a 
show  which  you  got  to  pay  so  much  money  to  a 
speculator  for  a  decent  seat,  y'understand,  that 
you  couldn't  enjoy  it  after  you  get  there,"  Abe 
concluded.  "And  that  is  a  good  show." 


XXIV 

'POTASH  AND  PEKLMUTTER  DISCUSS  SOCIETY — 
NEW  YORK,  HUMAN,  AND  AMERICAN 

"T  SEEN  Max  Feinrubin  in  the  Subway  this 

•*•  morning,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner, 
Morris  Perlmutter.  "He  broke  two  fingers  on 
his  left  hand  last  week." 

"Why  don't  he  let  the  shipping-clerk  do  up  the 
packing-cases?"  Morris  commented. 

"He  didn't  break  his  hand  on  no  packing-case," 
Abe  said. 

"Well,  what  did  he  break  it  on,  then?"  Morris 
asked. 

"The  shipping-clerk,"  Abe  replied,  "which  the 
feller  said  that  this  war  is  a  war  over  property, 
and  every  nation  that  is  in  it  is  just  as  bad  as 
Germany,  so  Feinrubin  asked  him  did  he  claim 
that  the  United  States  was  just  as  bad  as  Germany 
and  he  said  'Yes,'  and  afterward  he  said  that 
Feinrubin  would  hear  from  him  later  through  a 
lawyer." 

"And  that  is  how  Feinrubin  broke  his  two 
fingers,"  Morris  said. 

"Well,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  up  to  that  point 

213 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

Feinrubin  had  only  broke  one  finger,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "but  just  before  the  shipping-clerk 
went  out  of  the  door  he  said  that  President 
Wilson  was  an  enemy  to  Society,  so  Feinrubin 
broke  the  other  finger." 

"Serves  Feinrubin  right,"  Morris  said.  "There 
he  was  in  his  own  shipping-room  with  hammers 
and  screw-drivers  laying  around,  and  he  has  to 
break  his  fingers  yet." 

"You  probably  would  Ve  done  the  same  thing," 
Abe  retorted,  "if  we  would  got  for  a  shipping- 
clerk  a  Socialist  who  puts  up  such  arguments." 

"Well,  I  don't  know,"  Morris  said.  "A  So- 
cialist would  naturally  say  that  this  is  a  war  over 
property  because  it  don't  make  no  difference  if  it 
would  be  a  war,  an  earthquake,  a  cyclone,  or  a 
blizzard,  to  a  Socialist  all  such  troubles  is  property 
troubles,  just  -as  to  a  stomach  specialist  every  pain 
is  appendicitis,  so  if  our  shipping-clerk  would  give 
me  a  line  of  argument  like  that,  Abe,  instead  I 
would  break  my  fingers  on  him,  y'understand,  I 
would  simply  dock  him  fifty  cents  as  an  argument 
that  if  he  wants  to  talk  socialism,  he  should  talk 
it  in  his  own  time  and  not  mine." 

"But  the  feller  had  no  business  to  tell  Feinrubin 
that  President  Wrilson  was  an  enemy  to  Society," 
Abe  protested. 

"Say!"  Moms  exclaimed.  "For  that  matter 
I  am  an  enemy  to  Society,  too." 

"Never  mind,"  Abe  declared.  "Lots  of  So- 
ciety fellers  which  never  done  a  day's  work  in 
their  lives  has  gone  down  to  Washington  to  gr  e 

214 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

the  country  the  benefit  of  their  experience,  Maw- 
russ,  and  it's  surprising  how  many  Society  ladies 
is  also  turning  right  in  and  giving  up  their  time 
to  the  Red  Cross  and  so  forth." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said.  "But  there  is 
lots  of  them  which  don't,  Abe,  and  you  take  it 
on  a  cold  Sunday  in  February  when  the  superin- 
tendent of  the  apartment-house  where  you  live 
is  keeping  the  temperature  of  your  flat  below 
sixty-eight  degrees  by  not  letting  it  get  up  to 
fifty,  y'understand,  and  it  would  make  a  Bolshevik 
out  of  the  president  of  a  first  national  bank  to  see 
Mrs.  J.  Van  Rensselaer-This  and  Mrs.  H.  Twom- 
bley-The  Other  on  the  front  page  of  the  illustrat- 
ed Sunday  supplement,  photographed  at  Pallum 
Beach  on  Lincoln's  Birthday  in  practically  a  pair 
of  stockings  apiece,  y'understand,  which  if  them 
people  want  to  wear  clothes  in  Florida  that  if 
any  one  wore  them  around  New  York  if  they 
didn't  get  arrested  they  would  anyhow  get 
pneumonia,  y'understand,  that's  their  business, 
Abe,  but  what  I  don't  understand  is,  why  should 
they  want  to  advertise  it?" 

"Well,  what  is  the  use  of  being  in  Society 
if  you  couldn't  rub  it  in  on  people  who  ain't?" 
Abe'  asked. 

"But  this  is  a  democracy,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"so  who  cares  if  he  is  in  Society  or  not?" 

"Don't  fool  yourself,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 
"There  wouldn't  be  no  object  for  Society  ladies 
to  advertise  that  they  are  in  Society  if  they  didn't 
know  that  reading  such  an  advertisement  would 

15  215 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

make  a  whole  lot  of  people  feel  sore  which  wants 
to  get  into  Society,  but  couldn't." 

"And  such  people  calls  themselves  Americans?" 
Morris  said. 

"They  not  only  calls  themselves  Americans,  but 
they  are  Americans,"  Abe  said.  "Which  the 
main  talking  points  of  any  one  who  advertises 
that  they  are  in  Society,  whether  they  do  it 
through  publicity  in  the  newspapers,  by  marrying 
or  dying,  y 'understand,  is  that  the  bride  or  the 
deceased,  as  the  case  may  be,  was  a  descendant 
of  Txvee  van  Rensselaer  Ten  Eyck  who  came  in 
America  in  sixteen  fifty-three  and  that  another 
great-great-grandfather  opened  the  first  ready-to- 
wear-clothing  factory  on  the  American  continent 
in  sixteen  sixty-six." 

"Of  course,  Abe,  you  may  be  right,"  Morris 
said,  "but  it  seems  to  me  I  read  it  somewheres 
how  a  whole  lot  of  people  which  is  now  in  Society 
qualified  by  settling  in  Pittsburg  along  about  the 
time  Judge  Gary  first  met  Andrew  Carnegie." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said.  "But  millionaires 
can  get  into  Society  on  a  cash  basis,  nunc  pro 
tune,  as  of  May  first,  sixteen  twenty,  as  the  lawyers 
say,  Mawruss,  which  if  a  lady  is  trying  to  butt 
into  Society  on  the  grounds  that  her  great-great- 
grandfather, Hyman  de  Peyster  van  Rensselaer, 
olav  hasholom,  came  over  on  the  Mayflower  and 
bought  all  the  land  on  which  the  town  of  Hock- 
bridge,  Mass.,  now  stands  from  the  Indians  in 
sixteen  sixty-six  for  two  hundred  dollars,  y'under- 
stand,  it  wouldn't  do  her  chances  a  bit  of  harm  if 

216 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

her  husband  came  over  on  the  White  Star  Line, 
third  class,  just  so  long  as  he  bought  U.  S.  Steel 
when  it  was  down  to  thirty  and  a  quarter  in 
nineteen  five  and  held  on  to  it  till  it  touched 
one  hundred  and  twenty,  y 'understand." 

"Then  what  used  to  was  the  'four  hundred' 
must  have  added  a  whole  lot  of  ciphers  to  it  in 
the  last  few  years,  Abe,"  Morris  commented. 

"Ciphers  is  right,"  Abe  said.  "But  that  four- 
hundred  figure  is  a  thing  of  the  past  along  with 
the  population  of  Detroit  before  the  invention  of 
the  automobile,  Mawruss,  and  I  guess,  nowadays, 
Society  must  be  running  the  Knights  of  Pythias 
and  the  Royal  Arcanum  pretty  close  on  the  size 
of  its  membership,  Mawruss." 

"For  my  part,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "I  would 
just  as  lieve  join  either  of  them  societies  in  prefer- 
ence to  Society.  Take,  for  instance,  these  here 
Vanderbilts  which  they  have  been  in  Society  for 
years  already,  and  what  benefit  do  they  get  from 
it?  It  isn't  like  as  if  one  of  them  would  be  in 
the  wholesale  clothing  business,  for  instance,  and 
could  get  a  friend  to  use  his  influence  with  a  re- 
tailer by  saying:  'Mr.  Goldman,  this  is  my 
friend,  Mr.  Vanderbilt.  Him  and  me  was  in 
Society  for  years,  already,  and  anything  in  his 
line  you  could  use  would  be  a  personal  favor  to 
me,'  because  any  connection  with  the  clothing 
business,  wholesale  or  retail,  bars  you  out  of 
Society  unless  the  Statue  of  Limitations  has  run 
against  it  for  at  least  four  generations." 

"Still,  it's  a  big  help  to  be  in  Society  for  certain 

217 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

businesses,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "Take  it  in  our 
line,  Mawruss,  and  a  feller  which  was  in  Society 
could  make  a  fortune  duplicating  for  the  popular- 
price  trade  an  expensive  line  of  garments  such  as 
you  would  be  apt  to  see  at  an  affair  which  was 
run  off  by  somebody  'way  up  in  Society." 

"That  ain't  a  bad  idee,  neither,  Abe,"  Morris 
said;  "and  then,  Abe,  instead  of  people  asking 
what  is  the  big  idee  when  they  see  a  picture  of 
Mrs.  Yosel  van  Rensselaer  Lydig  in  the  illustrated 
Sunday  supplement  they  could  read  on  it,  'Our 
Leader — the  Mrs.  Yosel  van  Rensselaer  Lydig 
gown;  regular  sizes,  nine  fifty;  stouts,  ten 
dollars/  which  there  is  no  use  letting  all  that  good 
publicity  going  to  waste,  Abe,  so  if  a  garment- 
manufacturer  couldn't  utilize  it,  a  cigar  whole- 
saler could  vary  his  line  of  cigars  called  after 
actresses  by  naming  one  of  them  'The  Mrs. 
Yosel  van  Rensselaer  Lydig,  a  mild  and  aromatic 
three-for-a-quarter  smoke  for  five  cents." 

"I'm  afraid  Society  people  wouldn't  be  willing 
to  stand  for  such  a  thing  even  in  war-times, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

"Well,  I  only  make  the  suggestion,  Abe,  be- 
cause some  states  has  already  passed  laws  com- 
pelling everybody  to  find  a  job  for  the  duration 
of  the  war,  y'understand,"  Morris  said,  "and  if 
the  courts  should  hold  that  sitting  on  the  sand  at 
Pallum  Beach  and  having  a  photograph  taken  ain't 
holding  a  job  within  the  meaning  of  the  statue  in 
such  cases  made  and  provided,  Abe,  maybe  the 
addition  of  a  little  advertising  matter  to  the  picture 

218 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

would  be  enough  to  keep  some  Society  lady  out 
of  jail  on  the  ground  that  she  is  working  as  a 
model  for  advertising  pictures,  y'understand,  al- 
though, for  my  part,  Abe,  I  am  willing  to  see 
anybody  who  tries  to  get  publicity  as  a  Society 
person  go  to  jail  whether  they  work  or  not." 

"Why  so?"  Abe  asked. 

"Because  such  publicity  is  only  the  start,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "It  is  the  first  stages  of  what  is  the 
trouble  in  Germany  to-day  yet.  For  years  already 
the  Society  fellers  of  Germany,  headed  by  the 
chief  Society  feller  of  Germany,  the  Kaiser,  has 
been  getting  their  pictures  into  the  paper  dressed 
in  soldiers'  uniforms  till  it  got  to  be  firmly  fixed 
in  the  minds  of  people  which  wasn't  Society  fellers 
that  the  latest  up-to-the-minute  idee  was  wearing 
a  soldier's  uniform.  Also,  Abe,  along  with  such 
publicity  goes  the  idee  that  anything  Society 
fellers  does  is  O.  K.,  and  it  is  this  just-watch-our- 
smoke  advice  of  the  German  Society  fellers  to  the 
poor  German  people,  nebich,  which  has  changed 
the  motto  of  Germany  from  'Hei-lie!  Hei-lio! 
Hei-lie!  Hei-lio!  Bei  uns,  geht's  immer  so!'  to 
* Deutschland,Deutschland  ueber  Alles,'  and  that  is 
what  brought  on  the  war,  Abe." 

"You  mean  to  say  that  when  Mrs.  Mosha  van 
Rensselaer  has  her  picture  taken  at  Pallum  Beach 
the  intention  is  the  same  as  when  the  Kaiser 
used  to  got  printed  a  photograph  of  himself  as 
colonel  of  the  One  Hundred  and  First  Pomera- 
nian Regiment." 

"Toy  Pomeranian  or  regular  size,  Abe,"  Morris 
219 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

said,  "it  don't  make  no  difference,  the  intention 
in  both  cases  was  to  get  publicity  for  the  fact 
that  the  sitter  was  a  leader  of  Society,  Abe,  and 
so  far  as  the  Kaiser  was  concerned,  he  soon  got 
the  idee  that  just  as  the  Kaiser  was  the  leader 
of  Society  of  Germans,  y'understand,  so  Germany 
was  the  leader  of  the  Society  of  Nations,  and 
therefore  that  Germany  should  have  the  biggest 
army,  the  biggest  navy,  the  biggest  colonies,  and 
the  biggest  territory." 

"And  she's  going  to  get  the  biggest  licking, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  interrupted. 

"She's  got  it  coming  to  her,"  Morris  said,  "and 
then  when  we've  showed  Germany  that  she  ain't 
such  an  international  Society  leader  like  she 
thought  she  was,  y'understand,  the  Germans 
which  was  rank  outsiders  in  Germany  Society  is 
going  to  look  up  a  lot  of  old  illustrated  Sunday 
supplements,  and  when  the  trial  comes  off  before 
the  Berlin  County  Court  of  General  Sessions  the 
district  attorney  is  going  to  offer  in  evidence  that 
well-known  picture  of  the  Kaiser  and  his  six  sons, 
and,  without  leaving  the  box,  the  jury  will  find  a 
verdict  of  guilty  of  being  German  Society  leaders 
in  the  first  degree.  Also,  Abe,  pictures  will  turn 
up  of  one  of  the  Kaiser's  hunting  parties,  and 
only  the  people  which  couldn't  be  identified  on 
account  of  being  at  the  edge  of  the  photograph 
will  escape." 

"But  you  don't  think  anything  like  that  would 
happen  to  our  Society  fellers,  Mawruss?"  Abe 
said. 

220 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"I  think  they're  perfectly  safe  for  the  next 
hundred  years  or  so,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but, 
just  the  same,  they  should  take  example  by  the 
Society  leaders  over  in  Russland,  and  learn  to 
drink  coffee  from  the  saucer  and  eat  with  the 
knife  while  there  is  still  time." 


XXV 

POTASH     AND     PERLMUTTER     DISCUSS     THIS     HERE 
INCOME   TAX 

DIDN'T  I  beg  you  that  you  shouldn't  give 
to  a  lawyer  that  claim  against  Immerglick 
which  we  had  for  the  money  we  loaned  him  five 
years  ago?"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner, 
Morris  Perlmutter,  as  he  pored  over  form  1040, 
revised  January,  1918,  which  bore  in  large  black 
letters  the  heading,  "INDIVIDUAL  INCOME-TAX 
RETURN  FOR  CALENDAR  YEAR  1917.'* 

"Ten  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  he  paid  us, 
and  now  I  don't  know  should  I  stick  it  under 
A,  B,  C,  D,  E,  or  F." 

"I  suppose  you  would  rather  see  Immerglick 
get  away  with  the  whole  sum  as  pay  eight  per 
cent,  of  it  to  the  government,"  Morris  com- 
mented. 

"I  would  give  the  government  not  only  eight 
per  cent.,  but  eighteen  per  cent.,  Mawruss,  if  they 
would  only  send  round  their  representative  and 
fill  out  this  here  paper  themselves,  and  leave  me 
in  peace,"  Abe  said.  "I  'ain't  done  nothing  for  a 
month  now  but  write  down  figures  on  this  rotten 

222 


blank  and  scratch  them  out  again,  and  what  is 
going  to  be  the  end  of  it  I  don't  know." 

"All  the  government  asks  of  you,  Abe,  is  to  be 
honest,"  Morris  said. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  replied.  "But  to  be 
honest  about  fixing  up  this  here  income-tax  re- 
turn, Mawruss,  you've  got  to  be  a  lawyer,  a 
certified  public  accountant,  a  mind-reader,  and 
one  of  these  here  handwriting  experts  who  knows 
how  to  write  the  whole  of  the  Constitution  of  the 
United  States  on  the  back  of  a  two-cent  stamp, 
which  take,  for  instance,  *N.  CONTRIBUTIONS  TO 
CHARITABLE  ORGANIZATIONS,  &c.  (Enter  below 
name  and  address  of  each  organization  and  amount 
paid  to  each)/  and  while  I  'ain't  given  away  a 
million  dollars  to  charity  in  nineteen  seventeen 
exactly,  I  can  see  where  next  year  when  somebody 
comes  round  to  schnoor  from  me  five  dollars  for  the 
Bella  Hirshkind  Home  for  Aged  and  Indignant 
Females  in  the  Borough  of  the  Bronx,  City  of 
New  York,  y'understand,  he's  going  to  get  turned 
down  on  the  grounds  that  Mr.  McAdoo  only  pro- 
vided three  lines  for  all  charitable  contributions 
and  I'm  saving  them  up  for  the  Red  Cross,  the 
S.  P.  C.  A.,  and  one  orphan  asylum  with  an  awful 
short  name." 

"Did  it  occur  to  you  that  you  could  give  the 
Bella  Hirshkind  Home  four  dollars  and  sixty 
cents  and  leave  it  out  of  your  income-tax  return 
altogether?"  Morris  suggested. 

"Listen!"  Abe  said.  "I  ain't  trying  to  invent 
ways  of  getting  around  what  looks  like  the  only 

223 


WORRYING    WON'T   WIN 

good  feature  of  this  here  income-tax  return,  Maw- 
russ.  If  Mr.  McAdoo  or  President  Wilson  or  who- 
ever it  was  that  fixed  up  this  here  paper  thought 
that  the  average  man  didn't  need  more  as  three 
lines  to  put  down  his  charities  in,  Mawruss,  who 
am  I  that  I  should  set  my  opinion  up  against 
theirs?  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 

"Well,  for  that  matter,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "if 
you  are  up  against  it  for  space  to  fill  in  about 
the  Bella  Hirshkind  Home,  how  many  lines  did 
Mr.  McAdoo  leave  me  to  write  in  about  you  and 
Feigenbaum?" 

"Me  and  Feigenbaum?"  Abe  repeated. 

"Sure!"  Morris  said.  "The  time  you  and  him 
had  the  argument  should  it  be  pronounced 
'Bolsheviki  or  Bolshezwki." 

"Well,  I  was  right,  wasn't  I?"  Abe  demanded. 

"Certainly  you  were  right,"  Morris  replied. 
"But  the  question  is,  do  I  put  in  the  fifteen- 
hundred  -  dollar  order  he  canceled  on  us  under 
'EXPLANATION  OF  LOSSES  OF  BUSINESS  PROP- 
ERTY' or  under  *J.  GENERAL  DEDUCTIONS  NOT 
REPORTED  ON  PAGE  THREE'?" 

"Put  it  in  the  same  place  where  I  would  put 
the  money  which  I  lost  from  having  got  it  a 
partner  which  wastes  dollars'  and  dollars'  worth 
of  time  on  me  every  day  by  arguing  about  things 
which  arguing  couldn't  help,"  Abe  advised.  "Be- 
cause with  this  here  income-tax  proposition, 
Mawruss,  if  you  are  going  to  waste  so  much  time 
arguing  about  what  you  have  lost  that  you 
couldn't  be  able  to  remember  by  April  first  what 

224 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

you  made,  y 'understand,  you  would  lose  in  addi- 
tion a  thousand  dollars  more  and  fifty  per  cent, 
of  the  amount  of  the  tax  due,  and  you  couldn't 
have  the  consolation  of  blaming  it  on  your  partner, 
neither." 

"It  seems  to  me,  Abe,"  Morris  commented, 
"that  the  government  makes  a  big  mistake  limit- 
ing you  to  April  first,  because  I  already  figured 
my  income  tax  out  six  times  and  it  comes  to  a 
hundred  dollars  more  every  time,  which  if  they 
would  only  give  me  till,  say,  the  first  of  August, 
y'understand,  I  might  be  able  to  figure  it  out  a 
couple  dozen  times  more  and  pay  the  government 
some  real  big  money." 

"With  me,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said  with  a  sigh, 
"sometimes  it's  more  and  sometimes  it's  less,  but 
it  only  goes  to  show  how  if  a  business  man  is  going 
to  have  such  a  big  difference  of  opinion  with 
himself,  Mawruss,  what  kind  of  a  difference  of 
opinion  is  he  going  to  have  with  the  collector  of 
internal  revenue?  So  I  guess  the  only  thing  for 
me  to  do  is  to  start  all  over  again  and  this  time 
I'll  multiply  the  result  by  two,  because  if  I've 
got  to  pay  anything  extra  to  the  government, 
y'understand,  I'd  just  as  lieve  do  it  without  getting 
indicted  first." 

"Say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "If  they  started  in 
to  indict  everybody  which  is  going  to  figure  up 
their  income  tax  wrong  this  year,  Abe,  the  govern- 
ment would  got  to  draft  a  couple  of  million  grand- 
jurymen,  and  then  lay  off  the  workers  on  canton- 
ments and  put  them  to  building  jails." 

225 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

"And  labor  is  scarce  enough  as  it  is,  Mawruss, 
when  you  figure  the  hundreds  of  thousands  of 
sitsons  of  this  country  which  has  been  taken  out  of 
active  business  life  during  the  past  sixty  days 
while  they  were  engaged  in  making  up  their  in- 
come-tax returns,"  Abe  said. 

"Well,  that  will  simplify  things  a  whole  lot 
next  year,  Abe,"  Morris  declared,  "particularly 
in  the  excessive-profits  department,  because  owing 
to  the  time  they  spent  in  doping  out  what  exces- 
sive profits  they  had  last  year,  the  business  men 
of  the  country  won't  have  any  profits  this  year, 
excessive  or  otherwise." 

"I  should  only  make  enough  this  year  to  pay  a 
certified  public  accountant  for  fixing  up  my 
income-tax  return  next  year,  Mawruss,  and  I 
shall  be  satisfied,"  Abe  said,  "because  who  could 
tell,  maybe  next  year,  Mawruss,  the  government 
wouldn't  stop  at  wanting  to  know  what  your 
income  is  and  how  you  made  it,  but  would  also 
insist  on  knowing  how  you  spent  it  after  it  was 
made,  which  if  business  is  so  bad  next  year  on 
account  of  the  war,  Mawruss,  it  may  be  that  the 
government,  finding  that  they  couldn't  raise 
enough  money  with  an  income  tax  and  an  ex- 
cessive-profits tax,  will  pass  a  law  calling  for  a 
personal-extravagance  tax." 

"They  could  get  a  lot  of  revenue  that  way," 
Morris  admitted. 

"Yes,  and  they  could  get  it  coming  and  going," 
Abe  said.  "Take,  for  instance,  the  hotel  and 
restaurant  hat-check  business,  which  I  seen  it  in 

226 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

the  papers  that  a  partnership  of  hat-checkers  got 
into  a  dissolution  lawsuit  the  other  day,  and  it 
come  out  that  they  made  a  quarter  of  a  million 
dollars  profit  in  less  than  five  years,  y 'understand. 
Now  in  a  case  like  that,  Mawruss,  the  government 
couldn't  tax  them  robbers  an  additional  eight 
per  cent.,  because  hat-checking  ain't  a  profession 
under  'A.  INCOME  FROM  PROFESSIONS,'  any  more 
than  burglary  is.  Neither  could  the  government 
soak  them  highwaymen  for  an  excessive-profits 
tax,  because  hat-checking  ain't  a  business  with  an 
invested  capital,  not  unless  you  count  as  capital, 
Chutzpah,  gall  and  a  nerve  like  a  rhinoceros.  So 
the  only  way  the  government  could  collect  on  tips 
to  hat-checkers  would  be  to  tax  the  tipper  fifty 
per  cent,  and  put  it  up  to  the  hat-checker  to 
collect  it  at  the  source  from  the  feller  who  is 
foolish  enough  to  give  up  his  money  that  way." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said.  "But  that 
wouldn't  be  a  personal-extravagance  tax,  Abe. 
That's  what  I  would  call  a  tax  on  personal  cow- 
ardice. It's  the  kind  of  a  tax  the  government 
coulu  soak  a  feller  which  'ain't  got  enough  back- 
bone to  say  'No'  when  a  head  waiter  sug- 
gests celery  and  olives  at  seventy-five  cents  a 
throw." 

"Whatever  it  is,  I'm  in  favor  of  it,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "Also  it  should  ought  to  be  collected 
from  the  feller  who  lets  the  barber  get  away  with 
ten  cents  extra  for  a  teaspoonful  of  hair  tonic, 
and  as  for  face  massages,  there  should  be  a  flat 
rate  of  five  dollars  for  each  offense." 

227 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

" Aber  don't  you  think  that  a  face  massage  is 
its  own  punishment,  Abe?"  Morris  asked. 

"So  is  attempting  suicide,"  Abe  said.  "But 
people  go  to  jail  for  it,  Mawruss." 

"Well,  anyhow,  before  the  government  goes  to 
work  and  taxes  people  for  that  part  of  their  income 
which  they  spend  foolishly,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"they  should  get  busy  under  the  present  income- 
tax  law  and  prevent  anybody  from  getting  away 
with  anything  under  *J.  GENERAL  DEDUCTIONS' 
by  claiming  a  drawback  or  bad  debts  arising  out 
of  personal  loans,  which  the  government  is  losing 
thousands  and  thousands  of  dollars  on  many  a 
week-kneed  business  man  who  knew  when  he 
loaned  the  money  to  his  wife's  relations  that  he 
would  never  even  have  the  nerve  enough  to  ask 
them  to  renew  their  notes  even.  Then  there  is 
other  business  men  which  has  got  a  lot  of  cus- 
tomers on  their  books  who  couldn't  get  credit 
except  by  paying  such  a  high  price  for  their  goods 
that  if  they  bust  up  there  would  still  be  a  profit, 
even  if  they  settled  for  thirty  cents  on  the  dollar, 
and  when  them  business  men  start  to  make  up 
their  income-tax  returns  they  don't  hesitate  for  a 
moment  to  charge  off  the  balance  under  'B.  BAD 
DEBTS  AKISING  FROM  SALES  (See  instructions).' ' 

"I  suppose  such  business  men  clears  their  con- 
sciences with  the  thought  that  if  they  had  lost 
the  money  legitimately  playing  pinochle,  Maw- 
russ, the  government  wouldn't  let  them  deduct  a 
cent,"  Abe  suggested.  "And  in  a  way,  Mawruss, 
they  are  right,  because  while  you  couldn't  charge 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

off  pinochle  losses,  I  understand  Mr.  McAdoo 
holds  that  you've  got  to  pay  income  tax  on 
pinochle  profits." 

"That  only  goes  to  show  how  much  Mr. 
McAdoo  knows  about  pinochle,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "because  unless,  Gott  soil  huten,  a  feller 
should  drop  dead  immediately  after  he  cashes  in 
his  chips,  y'understand,  money  which  you  win  at 
pinochle  ain't  an  asset,  Abe,  it's  a  loan,  and  sooner 
or  later  you  are  going  to  pay  it  back  with  interest." 

"You  argue  with  Mr.  McAdoo!"  Abe  advised 
him.  "Why,  as  I  understand  it,  if  you  are  having 
the  game  up  at  your  own  house,  Mawruss,  and 
you  happen  to  draw  out  ahead  you  ain't  even 
allowed  to  deduct  nothing  for  electric  light  and 
the  delicatessen  supper,  so  strict  the  government 
is." 

"But  do  you  mean  to  say  that  if  you  have  a 
regular  Saturday-night  pinochle  game  and  you 
make  a  few  dollars  one  Saturday  night  and  drop 
it  the  next  and  so  forth,  Abe,  that  the  government 
wouldn't  allow  you  to  deduct  your  losings  from 
your  winnings?"  Morris  asked. 

"That's  the  idee,"  Abe  said.  "When  you  cash 
in  at  the  end  of  each  game,  Mawruss,  that  con- 
stitutes a  separate  transaction  under  'H.  OTHER 
INCOME  (including  income  from  partnerships, 
fiduciaries,  except  that  reported  under  E,  F,  and 
G),'  and  you  don't  get  no  allowances  for  nothing." 

"Well,  that  settles  it,"  Morris  said.  "For  the 
fiscal  year  January  first,  nineteen  eighteen,  to 
December  thirty-first,  nineteen  eighteen,  I  play 

229 


WORRYING    WON'T    WIN 

pinochle  two-handed  with  my  wife,  Abe,  and  then 
I've  always  got  the  come-back  that  I  answered 
'No'  to  question  eight,  *  Did  your  wife  (or  husband) 
or  dependent  children  derive  income  from  sources 
independent  of  your  own?": 

"I  don't  think  that  Mr.  McAdoo  would  hold 
that  you've  got  to  report  money  which  you  win 
from  your  wife,"  Abe  said. 

"Why  not?"  Morris  asked. 

"Because  Mr.  McAdoo  is  a  married  man  him- 
self, Ma  wruss,  and  he  knows  that  such  moneys  ain't 
income,"  Abe  concluded.  "They're  paper  profits, 
and  you  never  collect  on  them." 


THE   END 


A     000125815     1 


